...of my newest poem about vampires
The Eternal Night
By: Adam Snow
Tis be the night of darkened desire the Eternal
One watches me from above. Tis be my final hours
of life. The Eternal One plunges her fangs into my
very neck sucking away my very ounce of life. As my
final hours comes to a pause I slowly reach for a razor
I then slowly started to ponder then I woke up
and I realized that I was in a cushioned bed
with no way out. I’m now trapped for
eternal rest.
2007-08-14 18:41:03 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
Okay..."Tis be the..."...what???? Not only is that phrase anachronistic, but it's also poor grammar. I know you wanted a dark vampiric piece, but this is prose, and not all that good the way it's written either.
However, you "could" have made this a poem...watch as I "take a bite" out of the words that need to go:
Night of darkened desire
the Eternal One watches
from above...my final hours of life.
She plunges fangs
sucking away my life.
a pause...a razor...I start to ponder
I wake up and realize
that I lie on a cushioned bed
with no way out.
trapped in eternal rest.
See the difference? There "was" a poem in your words, but it was hidden between prosaic lines that kept the focus from being sharp and incisive.
practice...keep writing
2007-08-18 16:03:21 · answer #1 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Kevin S. already did what I would've done! Also you need to practice sentence and paragraph structure!
Read some of the classics like Edgar A. Poe, Emily Dickinson, Walt Whitman , William Ernest Henley
A poem is a miniature fact based story with a beginning, a middle, and an ending; to capture your audience you must make it ring true even if it isnt!
2007-08-21 20:30:42 · answer #2 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it is pretty sad, if you are feeling trapped....because Satan is not the Eternal one...or a vampire....Satan knows his end is coming, because he has already lost the war. But he intends to take as many as he can with him...and the eternal night will be eternal hell.
You have a choice...now...in this life to choose where you will be eternally....but someday, it will be too late.
It could be your "dream"....if you had one...is warning you that you still have time....you are not really "trapped" yet...because you still have a choice.
God provided your way out of that "trap" if you are willing to pay attention. He sent His own Son, Jesus to die for you...in your place, so that you could have eternal life...not death. The choice is yours. And then He said "He who has the Son (Jesus) has Life....and he who has not the Son shall not see Life and the Wrath of God abides on him". He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes on Him (that's Jesus) has eternal Life". God always gives the choice. Then it is up to you...because this life is only the beginning. Eternity will go on forever. Where do you want to be then?
If you want to check this out...get a Bible and read the book of John over and over until it sinks in....or find a Bible teaching, Bible believing church and they will share this truth with you.
Hope you are interested enough to check it out.
I am not concerned about vampires, warlocks, and werewolves. I am concerned about good and evil which totally exist...and God and Satan....and God defeated Satan when He sent His Son to die for us. Satan's end is coming.
2007-08-23 00:04:36 · answer #3 · answered by samantha 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ti's but a dream within a dream.
2007-08-15 01:52:00 · answer #4 · answered by saturn 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Very good. But instead of saying then I woke up...try...then i risen or then i arose....sounds more "daring"
2007-08-15 01:56:24 · answer #5 · answered by RAW DIVA™ 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sweeeet!!
2007-08-15 02:21:14 · answer #6 · answered by T.Mack 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
;-{} "P"`'E'`e,e`e.e'.Y``U``.'e`.~!?! But I still have faith that I'll see MANY fOOd things coming from you !! it's just that I may not like !?! Or agree to many things I'd see !! & or expeirence~!! ` "R"r`r,r'r.r`.'-
2007-08-22 05:03:08 · answer #7 · answered by ? 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Dark! I like it!
2007-08-15 02:30:34 · answer #8 · answered by ButterflyBecoming 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oh come on, you can't be serious?
2007-08-20 23:17:43 · answer #9 · answered by margot 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋