is this a good poem that i wrote?

Question

it's called 'magical midnight rain'
i made this when i was 10 now im 12 so yeahh

The midnight rain hit the cold glass on my window.
It hit the glass with a sparkling explosion.
It spread like peices of broken diamonds.
Millions of smooth, wet drops of water on a cool spring night.
Like fireworks on the fourth of July.
The drops seek through the ceiling into the room.
They fell in my mouth with a fresh spring taste.
Refreshing my body and making myself stronger than I am.
The taste made me grow with responsiblity and respect.
Making the room fill with magic water.
As the night passed away, the room suddenly dranned.
The night of magical spring can change your life forever.

yeahh it ain't that good but i was ten so it sorta is

i might put one of my new ones upp soon so keep your eyes open ☺☻☺☻

Answer 1

This is actually exceptional for a 10 year old...I'm impressed. Here's some commentary on it, should you decide to improve upon it:

First line: "glass OF my window"...the window is made of glass, so the glass is not "on" the window...it "is" the window.
Second line: since you already said the rain hit the window's glass in the first line, don't repeat it here..just say "it hit with a sparkling explosion"...and since you already said "it", in the third line, just say, "spreading like broken diamonds" or "spreading like the pieces of a broken diamond"...you shouldn't say "pieces" and "broken diamonds" unless you add a "the" before "pieces"...so it's just as easy to say "spreading like broken diamonds". However, you then contradict yourself in the next line by saying "smooth"...broken diamonds are not smooth...and "water" is "wet", so you don't need to tell us that the water was wet...say, "millons of water drops on a cool spring night"...which is NOT like fireworks on the 4th of July (Summer)...so just drop that line. Then, you say the drops "seek"...you really mean "seep"...and since you were already talking about the drops, just say, "seeping through teh room's ceiling". The next line you say "fell in my mouth"...unless they were already walking around in there, they "feel into" your mouth :) so just say, "falling into my mouth with a fresh, Spring taste (capitalize Spring..or you'll have us thinking that they tasted like a steel spring). Also, don't put a period after "Spring" because you've enjambed the line into the next, saying "Refreshing my body..., etc." Now, in that line, you say "making me stronger than I am"...this is impossible...you can never be stronger than you are...you can be stronger than you "were", but you can't be stronger than you "are"...so just say, "making me stronger", then follow it by chopping the next line so it continues, "growing with responsibility and "self" respect". You don't know if you gained anyone else's respect, so you have to say "self-respect"...and that doesn't explain how your gaining strength and responsibility made the room fill with water...so just say, "the room willed with these magic waters". The next line, "As the night passed away"...did the night die? no. Just say, "As the night passed, the room drained." then change the last line to read, "But a single night of this magical spring can change your life forever".

Again, truly amazing for a 10 year old...keep writing

Answer 2

I really do like it I feel it's unfinished like you need to explain bout the magic of that night or end it with a good line of how it changed your life the audience thirst for more give it to us okay sweetie otherwise its great! keep up the great work

Answer 3

you're so proficient. i be attentive to i've got pronounced that till now. it incredibly is a deep significant poem, it must be a various style than you utilize now even though it is so stable to me. Drown my soul in wash of sorrow. build my doubts and leave me hallow. you be attentive to i admire you. I desire i ought to open up the type you do.

Answer 4

hi,
It seems good. But u have to try more harder. Good Work. Inspire ur self that u can write more good poem then this. Wishing u all the best

Answer 5

Good for your age but im not the nature type but dont listen to me listen to your soul.

Answer 6

it just sounds like you are trying to hard to make art.......it just has to be