How would you handle this ? should I feel bad?

Question

What would you if this were your mother?
I just recently visited my mom for the weekend. She had a chip on her shoulder the whole time and was looking for a fight with her husband etc. We stayed and made the best of it but were definitely ready to leave when the weekend was over. I had decided to move four states away in a year due to my husband finding a great job in Denver. Mom has already started the guilt trip asking me when am I coming back to visit (I live 7 hrs away) and how she wished I lived closer. I try to visit when I can out of respect but it seems unfair because mom does not work and her husband is self employed. They have never visited me. I work full time and go to school part time. It annoys me that my mom is not thoughful of this and puts pressure on me and no effort on her part. How can I politely tell her that it is her turn to visit me? Why does she not understand? She and her husband just got home from a trip 4 1/2 hours from their home for their anniversary, why can't they visit me?

I forgot to include she no showed at my wedding and to this day has no explanation. I am trying to have some type of relationship with her but it seems I have to do the giving and work.

Answer 1

Parents love to do this kind of thing to their adult kids when they get older. I don't know why. I guess the think we as adult kids now owe them something for all they invested in us. Maybe they're right to a certain degree. I'm not sure. The situation doesn't sound healthy. I guess its for each person to decide. Sorry I'm not much help. Macky

Answer 2

"Mom, I have something to say. I do not wish for an answer I just need you to hear. I am very busy right now with work and school trying to make a good life for myself. I have a new home and would love for you to visit and maybe give me some decorating suggestions."

You never Know.

Look, some people are just plain selfish. Forget about the wedding thing - she has.
Go out and enjoy life. Sounds like you have a great foundation to work with. In time she will need you more than ever --- then the decisions you make will either make you or break you.

Answer 3

I live a few hours from Denver, it's beautiful up here, I wish you and your husband the best of luck, you won't be sorry. Now about your mother, maybe when you move she will realize that in order for her to keep a relationship with you she needs to give a little, and she might actually enjoy a trip to Colorado. I believe in the saying distance makes the heart grow fonder, and maybe that is what it will take. Talk to her when she doesn't have a chip on her shoulder, it may sink in to her when the time for you to move is closer. Sometimes you just need to say it with no hesitation, she will see how this affects you and take it more seriously. Best of luck.

Answer 4

You're doing everything you can. I have some experience with this because I moved out of the country (OK, halfway across the world) and my mother kept asking about a visit, especially when her grandchild was born!-- it's very expensive to do this, as you can imagine, and there was never any idea of coming down here. At one stage she came, but the (stated) attitude was, "Well, you chose to go down there, you have to come up." When she made her one visit, she said, "There, I've come. I won't come again." But I'm still asked occasionally...

It used to bother me that she didn't want to come. But I had to accept that it wasn't going to happen, and if I go back to my home country, I won't be staying with her very long (based on the experience of my LAST visit!). And my sister says she can't fly because it bothers her ears, but she and her friends and boyfriend trot all over the place!!

She obviously has other issues-- your wedding is one indication. Hard as it is, you have done all you can, with genuine effort. You may simply have to accept that one of you wants this relationship more than the other, and as painful as that is because she's your mother, you know that you're doing what you have to in your life, and when she asks about visiting again, you can say something (politely) to the effect of, "Oh, mom, you know that's not possible because of my work and studies-- next time you're looking for a trip, think about coming our way!"

After that if she continues... try hard to ignore it. After awhile, it WILL go away, and if she wants to visit, she will.

Answer 5

This is me, and I'm not saying you should do it but of course that would be your jurisdiction. the fact that she didn't come to your wedding completely appalls me, I would probably be embittered by that fact alone, but on top of that she's giving you a guilt trip about not visiting her and has never visited you. I would calmly but very very sternly tell her what I was feeling and have a nice little talk about where her motherly priorities stand.

Answer 6

Invite her every chance you get. Offer to pay for the plane tickets. You did your part. She is just stubborn. Don't feel guilt.
When you can visit, sometime in the future, do it. You do that for yourself. It may never be a fair or equitable trade off. She is responsible for her choices. Call or write to maintain connection. Again, you do that for yourself. This has to be good enough, because you may never be able to convince her. Enjoy Denver. C. :)!!

Answer 7

Its everyones mother! lol. I have 3 kids and my parents expect me to drive the whole fam 4 hours to see them whenver they have a break. You can NEVER win this arguement, sorry. Just have peace in knowing that your family is normal and that at least your mother loves you, lol! Just tell her " you can't wait to see her and it will take extra time to plan a really good trip to see her so it will take some time.." that is some good BS

Answer 8

You have to get it off your chest!.


I suggest that you tell her that you feel pressured having all these chores. Ask her if she could help you and come from time to time because every time is getting harder for you to visit her.

Answer 9

their old their grumpy.... and they will probably take twice as long as it should to get anywhere.... plus they know they will probably end up arguing on the way there.... still though i would suggest it to them.... your right for the most part but just try your best on your part and eventually they should catch up and do the same

Answer 10

Don't feel bad. If your description is accurate, she is trying to lay a guilt trip on you. Don't fall for it. You sound perfectly reasonable to me.