My ex-husband has told my 15 year old that her grandfather is not her biologica grandfather. She has just come back from a 3 week stay with her dad and he has told her this. I have never met my biological father but my father now is my real dad as far as i am concerned. My ex wants my daughter to live with him; I am of a Native American Indian heritage and caucasian heritage he is of a Hindu Indu heritage. What should i say? I am so hurt that he has told her this out of frustration towards me just to hurt me emotionally. I am remarried for 6 years and have an 19 month old with my new husband. What do i do? Iam so stressed and hurt buy what he has done.
2007-08-14 14:32:42 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
The truth will not harm you in any way. The love you have for your Father is not going to change by this neither will the love your child has for him. It might also be a good thing that the granddaughter knows the truth should she meet he biological grandfather.
2007-08-14 14:38:14 · answer #1 · answered by djmantx 7 · 9⤊ 0⤋
Blood means nothing as far as I'm concerned. How did your daughter take the news? I'd sit down and talk to her about it. Is she hurt by it? I would raise your other child knowing that his grandfather isn't his biological grandfather. There's no need to keep that a secret. Adoptive parents should tell their children while they're young that they're adopted... it has been proven that this avoids identity conflicts in the future, especially if they find it out in their teens when they're forming their identity. In either case, smooth things out with your daughter... let her know what it really means to be a parent and that you don't necessarily need to share the same blood to have a person be your parent. Good luck! I hope you feel better soon.
2007-08-14 14:45:31 · answer #2 · answered by Cochy 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You should talk to her about it. Explain to her about how being a daddy is alot more then sperm donor and you don't see how your daddy isn't your daddy. Just because he didn't have to sexually release his frustration he was there for what really mattered. As long as you've raised her right she'll agree with you and won't care what her father had to say.
Most states it depends on where the fifteen year old child wants to reside and if the parent can support them. Talk to her about it and explain to her, how you want her to continue to live with her, but understand if she has to have the experience of living with her dad. Tell her how much you'll miss her but ultimately will support her decision, but wishes she would stay.
Your Ex had no right to express to her about your biological father. He was being an *** in my guess to hurt you. He needs to learn he can not always put your daughter in the middle of your fights. That is unhealthy for him, you and your daughter, most of all. He needs to grow up and learn to put his daughters best interest first.
2007-08-14 14:42:32 · answer #3 · answered by Susie 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am not sure what the problem is. You have a biological father and a daddy. Most people this is the same person, for you (and likewise for me) that is not the same person. Your daughter is old enough to understand the situation. Sit her down and talk to her. My daughter is 16. She knows about my past and understands. As far as her living with your ex, if you don't want her to and he pushes the issue, take him to court. He will not win unless he can prove you are unfit.
2007-08-14 14:48:57 · answer #4 · answered by eharrah1 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Explain to yuor child that you never mentioned it because he IS your daddy. Tell the truth. Tell your child that your real father was a bad person, or never around or what ever the case may be and that THIS man has loved you and feed you and clothes you and put up with your crap and has earned every ounce of love and pride that you have. Explain that he is the reason that you are the way you are (I hope thats a good thing :) And then tell your ex to stick it!
2007-08-14 14:39:37 · answer #5 · answered by Brandi 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The man that has raised you is your father. It only takes a tiny sperm and egg to make a baby. It takes a real man and woman to be a father and mother. I'm not sure if the man you consider your father raised you, but this is how I see things. So, don't worry about this, you have a father. Do you want your daughter to stay with you? You may have to go to court.
2007-08-14 14:37:08 · answer #6 · answered by existingtobe 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
The one who raised you is your father, and that is the end of that. I am thinking that the reason you x did what he did was to get your child to think less of you and to be embarrassed by this, so that the child will come live with him. What you x is doing will certainly backfire on him eventually. You need to ask him why he felt it his business to give this information regarding you and your family. You need to sit down and ask your child if he/she has any questions about what his/her dad told them about you and your father. and you answer to the best of your ability those questions. And try very hard not to be negative against your x, the child will eventually figure out that he was initially trying to hurt you and will find that it hurt the child as well.
2007-08-14 14:50:31 · answer #7 · answered by mrs_endless 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have had to face much the same dilemma - the choice should have been yours WHEN to tell her, but not if. I'm sorry, but that is the blood, medical history, and ancestry of your daughter. She deserves to know who the hundreds of years of blood running through her veins belongs to, even if your father is not worthy of the lineage. I do think he should have waited for you to do it, though.
As Native American, do you know about the Indian Child Welfare Act? Are you a member of a recognized tribe? If so, you may be able to have your tribe take jurisdiction of the case, as the Indian Child Welfare Act purpose is to make sure that the child is able to know her culture and her people.. I am Cherokee, as is my daughter.
I would talk to your daughter about your feelings for both your father and your "dad" .. She is old enough to understand and to be respected enough for a truthful explanation. I would help her to learn of the ancestry beyond your father and let her know who her people are, additionally, I would encourage her to research the ancestry of your "dad".. Remind her that often, as Native People, we walk between two worlds, one of tradition, one of the modern way of life. Tradition is your blood, your ancestry, your history, the modern way is "remarriage" "adoption" and "creating a new life" which you have evidently done.
From my heart to yours,
Wildflower
2007-08-14 14:43:31 · answer #8 · answered by Wildflower 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Explain to your daughter that your father is an amazing man, he chose to be your Dad and you will always love him for that. There is no shame into not being this man's biological daughter. If you make a big thing out of this your daughter will dwell to much on it, make it a natural and beautiful thing...cause it is!
2007-08-14 14:42:33 · answer #9 · answered by Jane Marple 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
your daughter is probably upset with you because of the things your ex has been telling her. he probably presented the information in a way that how can she trust you when you never told her about her grandfather. in addition, he might have told her other lies about you. you need to talk to her.
when you talk to her, try to be as calm as possible. do not do it when you are real emotion be it sad or angry. you do not know what your ex-husband might have told her and what if any of it she believes. if you overreact she might say dad said you would react this way and say that and i want to live with him.
explain to her you never thought to tell her about her grandfather. because he is the only dad you have ever known. in your mind, your dad was there for you and more your dad than the man who is biologically your "father" especially since you never met your biolgical "dad."
provided your daughter would be safe with your ex-husband you might want to ask her where she wants to live. why? because she is fifteen and can make some of her own decisions. you risk alienating her from you if she feels she has no choice or say in the matter. if she is still going to see your ex-husband he is likely going to tell her that he asked you to have your daughter come and live with him. odds are good he will be angry with you and tell her and he might also say other lies. she needs to feel that she can decide or at least have an opinion in where she lives. it is also crucial that if you let her decide that you make it clear that this is not a him against me situation where she has to choose between the two of you. she will probably want to stay with you, but it will be better for your relationship if you give her a say or just let her decide. and if she is going to keep visiting you will probably need to talk with her and keep the communication open between the two of you.
if she would not be safe to live with him that is an entirely different situation in which case you would need to explain that to her. though i imagine it probably is safe for her to be with him if she visits him.
this is all very wrong of him, but none of us can control what he does. so you need to talk to your daughter. if you need to complain about your ex-husband do not do it to your daughter. he is her dad and she is probably loyal and defensive of him. you risk alienating her if you do. talk to your friends and husband but not her.
sorry your ex-husband hurt you like this.
hope someone on here can help you. best wishes.
note - my parents divorced when i was about thirteen and i have two younger siblings, so i know about the child/teen's perspective.
2007-08-14 14:54:14 · answer #10 · answered by :-D 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋