this is awful.?

Question

So my dad has been cheating on my mom for a year with a family friend. he doesnt know that my mom, brother and i all know about it. My mom is beginning divorce proceedings. It gets worse. i am furious with him and really hate him for this, after i found out i avoided him for a day or so and then last night was my first interaction with him since finding out the news. He came home drunk, since his 25 year old girlfriends mom is in town and he couldnt sleep there. He informed me and my mom and brother straight up that he hates us all, and that he will not be paying for any of my college tuition. It was so hurtful. He thinks he is completely in the right here. I am ready to never speak with him again. Am i wrong here? will i be screwed up for life by never interacting with him again? im 19 and confused. please help.

Answer 1

If he never changed at all could you still love him? Some times we act out just to get the reaction we are hoping for from the other person. If he never changes can you still love him? Ask yourself that and you will find that Yes you love him...hate what he has done... but still love him. He is wrong NO DOUBT but he is who he is and his choices are his choices. Do what you have to do to be happy. Whatever that is. Good Luck.

Answer 2

First - you don't need him to pay for your education. You can live on your own for a year and claim independance -- then between loans and financial aid, pay for your own tuition at a local college.

As to never speaking to him again, that is your right. We cannot tell you what to do, but I will tell you that my sister -- who stopped talking to my dad for a long time after he and my mom divorced -- is extremely grateful that she took the time to come back and start talking to and seeing my dad for the last couple of years before he passed away. Don't do anything rash.

On the other hand, if your mom stayed home for several years to take care of you, be sure to back her up in an getting alimony and child support if your brother is young enough. He may also be court ordered to assist with your college, if that was the plan that your parents had.

Good luck.

Answer 3

Listen carefully... try not to feel... just listen for a minute...

1. Your Dad is obviously in a lot of pain to say such hurtful things. People who are hurt, hurt others.

2. Be the adult if he wont. Do what is right, not what feels right. Don't regret your own actions and compound the situation.

3. Ask him what hurts him... listen between the lines. I know from experience that a wife can influence the kids to the point that a man is neglected and unappreciated.

4. Do things that will be reparative in nature. Support him, not his actions that are wrong, but him... the Dad that did pay for most of your life...

5. Realize that people make mistakes. What would you want him to do if the situation was reversed. Trust me... you never know what mistakes you might end up making in life.

6. If your dad is looking to cover pain and find some love because your mother and he have not built a healthy relationship then there may be hope for him to change but your mother will have to change too. There is NEVER just one guilty party.

Answer 4

Your anger and hurt are understandable however you are a young 19 and have many years ahead of you. Take a break from Dad if you want(a year or so if thats what it takes).
Get some counseling for your feelings but eventually you should forgive him. He may be acting out because of his pain(marriage failure is a difficult thing...even if your the one at fault)he could have an alcohol problem to overcome as well. I'm sure he felt attacked an lashed out in anger...I am sure he does not "hate" you or your brother. The day may come when you can work out your relationship and it may turn out to be a positive relationship in your life later...always keep that hope alive in your heart. At 19 you can take some time for yourself to find out what you want to do with your life and take time to sort through all your feelings...don't shut the door permanently on either of your parents. Things will get better over time hang in there!

Answer 5

I'm sorry to hear about what your father did to your family. Yes, you have every reason to be mad at him. However, try not to say anything you might regret. You may not feel the way you do in a year or so. You will not be "screwed up for life". You're just going through a very difficult emotional time right now. Rely on your family and trusted friends for support.
You will make it through. In fact, college is the perfect place to be for you. Away from it all. He'll pay the tuition.

Answer 6

I feel for you..your Dad is being a louse. You have to be strong and put the blame where it belongs---with your Dad---he will regret the things he is saying--what if his young gf doesnt stay with him? If you need to cut off all ties with him, at least for a while, then do so--you need out of this situation --maybe you can speak to him later on when he has regained some sense.

Try to be strong and dont let your Dad's foolish actions make you bitter and angry---try to find help with your college tuition and the law will have something to say about this too! Life can sure deal us some bad cards--we have to be bigger and stronger and try to let hurtful words not ruin our lives. Hope you start a great and wonderful life in college--it can be the best time of your life.

Answer 7

it sounds like he's having a midlife crisis, not to mention he was drunk. my guess is he's angry with himself for being so out of control. Give him a few years and I bet he changes his tune. In the meantime don't even waste your energy hating him. Just do not have a relationship with him at all as long as he is acting like this. Like I said it may be a year or two. Just write a letter or say you're my dad and I love you but I will not put up with this abuse from anyone. When you get your act together we'll talk again. Then just shut him out and move on with your life. Don't worry too much about him paying for college if you have to find a cheaper school or see is you qualify for more financial aid. You all may need some family therapy to cope with what he's putting you through. I hope he comes to his senses quickly

Answer 8

That really is awful. It doesn't sound like things will work out for the best here, sorry to say. However, please don't be so quick to cut your dad out of your life. He maybe isn't being himself. Down the road, he will likely come around to see what a mess he has made of everything and there may be a chance for a relationship with him again. As for tuition, look for the student assistant representative in the college you plan to attend. They can help you out with scholarships and loans. Don't let this tragedy in your family side track you from your future. Just keep trudging on and things will work out.

Answer 9

First let me say that I am sorry that you have to go through this and I respect your decision to ask perfect strangers for advice. It shows your really hurting.
I feel for you. Unfortunately you are now forced to live the crappy side of life through no fault of your own.

I can't begin to know the feelings you may be experiencing but I do know what it feels like to have someone in your life who was supposed to be there for you treat you like you don't even matter.

All I can say is, Be strong in yourself and take comfort in other family members and friends who do care. Whatever you do, don't blame yourself for his mistakes. Maybe some day your dad will wake up and realize his grief and take responsibility for himself instead of blaming the world for the demons that trouble him.
You are not wrong to feel this way and you will only be screwed up if you allow yourself to be. Don't let the trauma drain you. Easier said than done I know but look at your other choices. Talk out your pain. Don't bottle it up or it will kill your spirit. Hopefully, one day soon that pain will not be as strong. Good luck, God bless and Peace to you and yours.

Answer 10

You have a right to be angry.. you blame your dad for the breakup of your family.. which is a completely normal reaction to the circumstances...

I think its time to just put your dad aside for a moment and work on yourself. Help your mum and your brother get everything settled. It will be hard but remember its for you all. Get counselling if need be and ensure that your mother does to.

In time your father will work out what he did was wrong and talk to you.. and when that happens its up to you whether you want to continue a relationship with him or not...

But for now just take care of yourself and family. I wish you luck