How long did it take to finally make the decision to get divorced?

Question

I am married...but sometimes think about it (divorce)....we have our share of problems...but I wanted your opinion as to how long it took to actually say, "That's it....we need to get divorced."

What was your deciding factor? Do you regret it? Would you do anything different?

Answer 1

Hi Liv,

Our problems bubbled and boiled over time and again. We had been sleeping in separate rooms for over a year already, and were more roommates than a couple. It took ten months of sleepless nights, ridiculous arguments, followed by complete silence, before I finally told her I wanted a divorce. She appeared to be waiting for me to be the one to say it out loud. Once it was stated, the air was cleared and we started communicating more openly and honestly. It was painful, to get some of our issues out on the table, but once they were spoken, they were much easier to face and to deal with.

Our deciding factor was too personal for Y/A but we both accept full responsibility for our actions. It was not something a couple recovers from. It was the perfect closure for 13 years of petty arguments, disrespect, and frustration.

My son is happier and healthier. My self confidence is restored. I do not regret this decision. It was the healthiest decision I have made in 10 years.

The only thing I would do different is : I would have self-respect to be more honest and vocal when something bothered me. Instead of letting a small problem fester and grow into something larger. I have no illusions this would have saved our marriage, but it could have ended earlier if I had been honest - both with myself, and with my partner.

Not to influence your decision, but to state my mantra once again - divorce is the sweetest freedom you will ever know.

That being said, good luck in your decision and to your family.

Answer 2

Well for me the first time I was married, my husband was an alcoholic, we had 3 children together in no time and I divorced him or kicked him out before 6 years was up. He was unreliable, drunk most of time, he beat me up and of course he didn't work regularly. The deciding factor was him driving drunk with my children in the car. I wanted to divorce him after 1 year basically but I kept trying and trying. The time line is just different for everyone though. I was in a bit of a desperate situation. I wish I could have done something differently, but I don't know what it would have been.

The last time I was married, my husband walked out after 9 years of marriage with no warning at all. I thought we were happy and I think he just made a hasty decision, but that was 9 years ago. I haven't tried it again.

Answer 3

Though I'm not married, nor do I think that someone should have to force themself to suffer in an unhappy relationship I think that lots of people (over 50% anyways) who decide to get married to the one they love give up because it's not really a "big deal" today (the institution of marriage that is). I think that there are lots of options that we have at our disposal that many people either don't know about or chose not to take advantage of. People vastly under estimate the power of counseling, and also feel there is a certain stigma associated with it (weakness, etc.) so they just skip that route all together. I dont think that we should suffer in long relationships that make us unhappy, but I do think that we should dig really deep down and try to remember what it was in our partner that made us think that going in for the long haul in the first place was worth it. Its so easy to get caught up in the daily grind, and just go through the motions and forget about the love and passion that once existed in our relationships. I'm sure once a person decides "okay, divorce is really the only option left" that it's probably a pretty immediate and definite decision. I wish you the best, only YOU truely know what's best for you.

Answer 4

After 8 years together, it took me 1 week to decide I wanted a divorce. Period. End of Sentence. There was no going back for me. My deciding factor was that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life like that. Do I regret it? Absolutely NOT! No, I wouldn't do anything any differently. It was great while it lasted and there were good times, and it was all part of my growth.
That was 30 years ago. I got a real good one right after that that's been solid and loving and productive.

Answer 5

It's got to be up to you what you choose and you need to make sure that your doing whats right for you, don't stay with her just because she'll be devastated if you don't believe their marriage will work will be harder for you in the long run to get out of it. Also you need to think about whats right for your daughter is it right for her to grow up with an alcoholic step-mother and if you end up going to court again because she's accused you of violence what does it mean for the relationship with your daughter if you end up being charged, also if you do decide to get a divorce and go back to your ex make sure your doing it for the right reasons not because it's easy and what you think is the right thing to do but form what you've said it seems that maybe you married Kaleigh because it was easy and you didn't think Savana wanted you. It seem that you don't have any trust or respect; without trust & respect you will slowly develop resentment towards her, loose interest in the marriage and most likely end up divorced anyway. Make sure you choose what's right for you and your daughter as that's what matters the most. Hope this helps :)

Answer 6

I am not divorced but I think the problem with most marriages is that each person gives up too soon. You should both open up the lines of communication and tell eachother how you feel and why things are different now then when you got married. Think back on what attracted you to eachother in the first place. Make sure when you are communicating that you truly listen and aren't just waiting for them to stop talking for you to respond. God gave you two ears and one mouth so you can do twice as much listening as you do talking. Hang in there!!!

Answer 7

I was married to my first husband for 6 years. I almost called the wedding off the week before it. I endured those years living with an alcoholic, abusive husband, and we had 2 children and know matter how hard I tried I couldn't make it work. My girlfriend told me you will know when the time is right. I didn't quite understand what she meant until the night he called me a f#@kin whore and slut and quite a few other names and our children did not react to his words. Thats when I knew the time was right. It was a hard decision and a battle between us. But after a few years of not being married anymore, we have become very good friends. We speak 3 x's a week and keep each other involved with our kids. We have never bad mouthed or fought in front of them again. It was the best decsion for both of us and the kids. I wish you all the luck.

Answer 8

Have you thought "that's it we need to try counseling"? Divorce isn't something to think about lightly. Especially if you have kids. I am now the divorced mom of three boys. It is not easy!! My husband walked out and it took me about 2 years to finally get up the nerve to file. I'm glad I did!! You know deep down inside if you're done. If you've given up 100% and just can't do it anymore. Go with your gut. You can't live being miserable the rest of your life. At the same time, you just can't bail because you guys are going through a rough spot. I would try counseling. Divorce should be the LAST resort!!

Answer 9

Just over 3 years to work up the nerve, after about 2 years of thinking "I can't take this anymore".

Deciding factor was my asking him to talk to me about what was bothering him, why he had been sleeping on the couch for several nights. He left the house rather than talk. I went to a friends house, he called threatening me if I didn't come home right now, "see you in court" and crap like that.

No, I don't regret it. But I would have hired a better lawyer! He was a snake (lawyer). I also would not have left our child with him for as long as I did, which was only a few months and I visited her. Never occurred to me that he would try to poison her against me. Took 3 years of counseling to get her head straight.

Answer 10

If kids are involved then the deciding factor is "Will my children suffer more if we remain together- hearing us argue and dealing with the stress of our marraige" or "Will my children suffer more if my husband and I are apart and they spend time with us separately. The more common decision now-a-days is the first one- but thats a good thing! More damage is done to children who are forced to witness the "hatred" between two parents for a long period of time than those who experience divorce right away.
So, if counseling hasnt helped, there is alot of unresolved tension and nobody is giving into the other and no one is willing to make a change, than yes- Divorce is better SOONER than later. Both of you desearve to be happy