What do I do about my overweight wife?

Question

My wife and I have been together for 12 years. She had a child when we met and we've since adopted more. She has gained about 80 pounds since we were married and she was a little big then. I love her, will not cheat, and will not leave. She had a heart problem then a thyroid problem. I have never once said anything about her losing weight. She wants to lose weight. I have asked her millions of times to walk with me. She has joined every weight loss company and I have supported her. I work 70 hours a week so she doesn't have to. I hoped she would take time to work out while the kids are in school, but doesn't. She volunteers for everything under the sun, but too tired to work out. I help with chores at home (vaccum, cook weekends, clean, laundry). There are going to be a bunch of people who yell at me for being shallow, and hassling whatever...those things are untrue. I've done all I think I can. Sexual desire is fading. The weight is too much. Help

Endo girl, she has asked me to change, and I have. From little things like, having my back waxed...oh what fun. To providing her with the life she wanted. A providing husband, with a nice home that we own, and decent vehicles to drive, few limitations on shopping....Look I virtually worked my 20's away. Completely lost track of all but maybe 2 buddies in the process. I worked 80.. 90... sometimes over 100 hours a week when we first started out. I have asked for very little. I haven't even asked for this....to be honest I wouldn't know how to word it so it didn't hurt her. I've have stayed silent. I do no extra curriculars...like golf, gyms, poker. I am WORK and I am Man ABOUT the House. I do jog in the morning and walk the dog at night. I played football in college, so I was always very active. Though I grant you I'm no small man-6'4" a little heavy at 280, but I'm 40 pounds lighter than when we met and I'm working at it-I'm sure I'll get nailed for my weight but

but like I was saying... my family always called me the gentle giant. I'm not bragging, but I'm put together. when I was 16 I was 230 solid with a 48" chest. Think bull. No I'm no stud and nothing to look at, just "country strong". But she's 5'7 and 240. I don't want angelina jolie, i'm not looking for barbie doll. but 170 would be nice. When we were first married I could litterally sweep her off her feet and carry her to our bed. She hurt her ankle the other day and I had to carry her to the house. It wasn't as easy...I'm not being a pig. I am worried about her health, but I can't lie and say the sexual component of a relationship is unimportant. I'm italian for godsakes!

Answer 1

You're doing a good thing asking her to take walks with you. When you cook, do you cook lower fat meals? I don't think you are being shallow. She was a certain way when she married you, she should at least get back to that weight. I don't really have advice for you, except to tell you that you are not being shallow. I guess keep asking her to take walks with you and maybe make it really appealing...

Answer 2

Hi, you sound like a very nice man who obviously loves and cares about his wife, she is lucky to have you and it is okay to feel the way you do and it shows that you do actually care by having the courage to ask before it gets beyond that stage. You mentioned a thyroid problem, now that could be a factor in her overweight as an underactive thyroid can equate to weight gain. What your wife really needs to do is to go see a qualified nutrionist to discuss her diet and exercise and find out what is the best option for her. Being very overweight causes a lot of health problems and shorten her life so you dont actually have to mention anything about losing sexual desire for her or make it personal in that respect as that might be hurtful and you obviously dont want to upset her in that way. Now on the other hand you do mention that she is not doing any exercise and does loads of voluntary work etc.. I think that you need to look at that too as that might be an issue, your wife knows that she is overweight and maybe she is afraid that she wont lose the weight and could be depressed about, we all worry about our looks and weight and are totally aware if either is slipping. If sexual desire is slipping she has noticed that too.. it seems to me that you are doing too much and covering, you cant do it all, believe me, you will end up ill, you are shielding her from her own responsibilities and that doesnt help. I think that you need to be verbally supportive and assure her of your love but push the point home that she does need to get healthy and fit and that she needs to see a nutrionist. Think about things you can do together like go on a picnic which involves a big walk, go on regular sunday outings with the kids which involves playing and running around.. a thyroid problem means you get tired, yes but it doesnt mean that you cant do things and the more you exercise, the better you feel so i wouldnt take tired as an excuse... I hope this helps and best of luck, always remember to look after yourself too and your own needs before anyone else even those you love.

Answer 3

Your only being human. First you r worried about her health and that doest help matters. How can YOU worry when she doesnt seem to be worried at all? Im a very small person- 5 ft 2 and 103 lbs. When I had knee surgery a few years ago I went clear up to 148 lbs! For me that is like huge! I couldnt do a thing cuz I couldnt walk at all for almost a year! Im the original junk food junkie and hate anything healthy! I set in my mind I was NOT going to stay in such poor shape and hated the way I looked when I did recover! I went on a 500 cal. a day diert and walked 45 minutes 3 times a day on treadmill. I dropped 49 lbs in 5 weeks! And I have maintained it ever since! If she truly WANTED to loose the weight Im sure she could. If she is on medication for thyroid- that will make her gain weight but if she is off of it- then its just will power! Invite her into some rowdy sex! Bring up her heart rate in the best way possible to burn them calories! I know when I was losing weight I insisted on always being on top so I WOULD burn the most calories! Trell her how u feel! Dont hurt her by using mean words just tell her kindly how u feel and MAKE her walk with you! Drag her with you kicking and screaming! Cut your hours at work . Sounds like she should go back to work so she isnt home on her couch all day long ya know??? Good luck to u darlin!

Answer 4

If she wants to lose weight like you said then I would ask her what the biggest problem is for her. I don't think you have to do everything for her but at least ask what her problem is so you can see if there is some way to help. Does she need to see a counselor maybe? Does she need already prepared meals? Is it because of her thyroid because I have heard that it is almost impossible sometimes with thyroid problems? You sound like a caring guy so don't give up. Keep talking keep offering to help. Go with her to a doctors appt and help her ask questions about what she can do. Maybe you should go to the YMCA or whatever with her and do an orientation with her. Ask her if there's a class she would like to take. If necessary take a few together. Please continue to be patient with her, I have known a few women with thyroid problems and they all seem to feel overwhelmed, like it is impossible to ever get control of their weight again.

Answer 5

You sound like a good man and I do not believe you are being shallow. Everyone who is honest with themselves know that physical attraction is essential. Some of your wife's weight gain can be attributed to thyroid disease, but not all. I had my thyroid removed at age 29, am now 49, and have not become obese although maintaining is a battle for me. You need to tell her you love her, but then be honest about your feelings about her weight. Maybe she doesn't realize how much it is affecting you.

Answer 6

I have heard from many people that Curves works really well. Some women look better than before they had kids. Three times a week for 30 min. Plus the work out is different for each women, so nobody else is doing the same work out which elimanates competiveness or the feeling of being inadequate.

Good luck, you sound like you love her so much.

Answer 7

I have been married for a long time too. My husband has gained 50 pounds since. But I still love him and I still lust after him. I do everything I can to make him feel attractive. I exercise 4-5 time a week (I am a size 6, and with any luck, I will be a size 4 by christmas). He sees me and he can feel my toned muscles every time we have sex (several times a week). I tell him that I exercise for my health. I want to be healthy and to live a long, wonderful life with him. THIS gets him to want to loose weight so he can be healthier, so he can live a longer life with me (not to mention all the sex he wants, he gets).

So my advice to you is to approach it like I did. You start to exercise, you make love to your wife more often, you tell her that you want to be healthier, you tell her that you want her to be healthier and ask her to start exercising with you. It can start out slow, take a walk together after dinner (start for 10 minutes, increase by 5 minutes every week). Walk 3 days a week and then increase to 4 days a week after the first month, and so on.

Some other things to do would be in the food category. Cut down on sodas (one 12 ounce soda has 10-15 teaspoons of sugar) and alcohol (empty calories with no nutritional values), cut down on fatty foods (hamburgers, french fries, donuts, chips, cookies, ice cream, candies, etc...), increase vegies and fruits (eat at least 3 different fruits a day), check out foodtv.com for more healthy suggestions.

The other thing I would suggest is Nutri System. They send you food that is on the glycemic scale. It should help her loose weight. It costs about $10/day for 3 meals, dessert and a snack.

I think it is great that you love her, you will not cheat and you will not leave her. Kudos to you!! :)

Good luck to you.

Answer 8

Well this could be tough..since you have tried everything under the sun to help and ecourage her. I don't think you are being shallow at all.....I would say it is not healthy for her to be that weight. try watching the Biggest Looser with her and see how she reacts. Let her know how important it is for her to exercise and eat healthy...to be around for her children. We all know being over-weight can lead to numerous health issues, including heart attacks. I would rather my husband tell me, than not say anything at all. have you tried telling her you got a membership for thwe both of you??? That way not only will she be doing something to improve her life, but also spending some quality time with you.

Good luck!!!

Answer 9

Oh my. Barring any recurring health issues that are causing it, or side effects from medication, then maybe if you planned some family activities that are more active? It's so good that you care and that you are looking for solutions. The best thing would be ask her how she needs you to support her in this, reassure her of your love, and let her know you are worried about her health. Let her know she is beautiful to you-don't let her feel rejected or it might get worse. Best to you all.

Answer 10

The first thing is to make sure you both are eating right. Being overweight is difficult enough -- and then going on fad diets doesn't help.

Make sure she is getting enough sleep and enough to drink (water) too. Remind her when you can to drink water, or get yourself a drink and get her one too.

Also, try to work with her to find out where her "difficult" points are -- does she watch too much TV in the morning? Hide the remote or have cable/satellite disconnected. Does she do too much volunteer work? Try to work with her on limiting it to one or two favorites.

Also, set a good example. Instead of working out at a gym, work out at home in the mornings or evenings. If she doesn't want to walk after dinner (I don't like it as it makes me nauseous ) try walking before dinner and eating later. Get the kids involved too -- make it a family affair.