My poem. =] Is it any good?

Question

Gloria the seamstress,
Had a breaking down sewing machine.
One day when she was adding buttons to a coat,
The needle came out from where it had been.

Gloria the seamstress,
Burst into tears right there.
The two had been together for years,
And she had no other machine to spare.

So Gloria the seamstress,
Still in much distress,
Put on her nicest, blackest dress,
To mourn the loss of the machine she possessed.

“It’s time to let you go,” she said,
As she threw the machine in the trash.
She lit a match right on the box,
And watched the trash can burn to ash.

But just then, as she was crying,
She noticed a man at her door.
“Excuse me, madam,” he said rather sweetly,
“I’m selling sewing machines for only 144.”

Gloria looked at the burnt rubbish bin,
And thought about all the time the two has spent.
“No thank you,” she replied, remembering her machine ,
“For no one can replace my old friend.”

I spelled HAD wrong.
Sorry about that. :|

Answer 1

This is really more of the beginning of a fable or a story. This is prose. It would be "broken down" sewing machine. Not trying to be harsh, but line breaks alone do not make something a poem.

Answer 2

No it doesnt work. You've made it to personal with Gloria throughout the poem. Poetry is a short story in effect, written for public enjoyment; so making it a personal thing with Gloria removes the public aspect. Also you've made it more like a recorded conversation which just doesnt work for poetry or prose!
Read "Phenomenal Woman" by Maya Angelou, or "If You Forget Me" by Pablo Neruda, or Walt Whitman, Edgar Allen Poe, Robert Burns, and Emily Dickinson to name a few. Then go forth and develope your own peculiar style! Remember also that punctuation is a very big part of poetry and prose!

Answer 3

Okay, this doesn't happen very often, but I once again have to disagree with Todd. Sorry buddy, but this IS a poem...it has uneven meter, but it does have a consistent rhyme scheme...so it is NOT prose...it's poetry.

Now, is it "good" poetry? well....it's "fair". It's an okay story with a good moral, but the meter is uneven and the beats are are off in most of the stanzas...so that's what you need to work on. I think what Todd was getting at is that there are lines that disregard meter and beat and read closer to prose...like the "no thank you....her machine"...too long...and "To mourn the loss of the machine she possessed"...it works but is overburdened with syllables. Also, I understand why you used "breaking down" sewing machine instead of "broken down"...because it was 'always breaking down'...and it wasn't broken down before she tried to use it that day...but the phrase just doesn't work...so you need to find another way to say it.

Still, it was one heck of a try...don't give up, keep writing

Answer 4

I liked your poem, I started smiling while reading the fourth stanza. It's unique and that's what I like about it. Although I think you should work on your rhthmn and meter. The first stanza, you could work on your rhyming more. I also as Brianna think that "Gloria the Seamtress" is used too much. I realize that if you take out Gloria the Seamtress, you will have to figure out where to get your rhymthm going. I suggest you take "Gloria the Seamstess" out in 1st Stanza, it doesn't rhyme. Overall you've got a lot of potential. Try googling a rhyming dictionary to help with your poetry.

Answer 5

It's not fully developed. It sort of looks like this is a subject you took comfort in but you didn't give it enough of your love or your time.

I don't think Poetry 101 is your answer here. I think it is more about going back and making it better, incrementally.

It's a very sweet story. It reminds me of the story about the woman who sold her hair to buy her husband a watch. And he sold something equally dear to buy her a hair brush.

In this case, Gloria tossed a machine with which she actually had a relationship. She just didn't realize that until somebody tried to sell her a new one. Then she realized its true value.

I think this was lovely and I think you should go back and rework it...from the heart, not the manual.

Answer 6

it's good, I really like the story. It's really nice to read something so cuet and sweet, I love the way you personify the sewing machine a little bit! I would reword a few things, just so you don't have rhymes that really don't flow

(“It’s time to let you go,” she said,
As she threw the machine in the trash.
She lit a match right on the box,
And watched the trash can burn to ash.)

I really do like it though, it's very cute!

Answer 7

Maybe not so good. A better ending needed, I think, because you seem to have a sense of humour that needs to come out. Go back and rework it a couple of times, take out the sentimentality and resubmit.

Of course, this could be about some friend that isn't living up to the friendship, but you can't decide what to do. In that case you are in trouble.

Answer 8

I think it's good but I have a suggestion I know it's an important part of this poem but I feel like you use "Gloria the seamstress" too many times

Answer 9

No matter what other people think, I think this was an absolutely brilliant poem. It's very creative and you made it yours. Definitely keep writing, because you've got a great gift that should be shared with the world. Write your poems the way you choose to. You don't need to follow any rules, only your heart. I believe in you. Keep writing. You're a great person with a great future ahead of you.

Answer 10

As a sewing machine technician and collector I find your poem very sad. It could have been fixed. I think your poem has a moral. "Never set a price on an old friend".