what do you guys think of this poem honest answers only please?

Question

love
your body trembles,your mind is all mixed up
your racing your pacing you cant get enough
cant be away, want to be near, with every second
every minute of the day
you try to think
but you cant
your emotions
your thoughts
all swirling around
no exsplanation for this feeling
the feeling is beyond us
beyond this world
its the feelings of the heart
the feelings of falling in love!

Answer 1

You've got talent. This is good poetry, no doubt about it. I liked this poem very much. Keep on going, because you're good and you obviously know how to be unique and creative. I can definitely relate to this poem, a lot like many other people. I would love to read more of your work. You're talented, and you have a bright future ahead of you. Keep it up, superstar.

Answer 2

I like your way of thinking, and I like your word choosing. I could imagine what you were describing perfectly, specially on this part :"your body trembles,your mind is all mixed up
your racing your pacing you cant get enough
cant be away, want to be near," And I think the 2 final verses are perfect!
But I dind't like the "beyond this world", it affected the flow of the poem a little; just my opinion. But all in all it was great.

Answer 3

Hello,

Here's your honest answer. It needs a lot of work. You need a lot of concrete images in this to make it a successful poem. What you have is a lot of abstract concepts. You need to find a way to guide your reader through the poem--thought by thought, image by image. People will disagree with me on my next point (and this is not a universal rule), but I would encourage you to use more consistent punctuation. Put apostrophes in your contractions at the very minimum. This helps to convey meaning, and gives clues on how to read your work out loud. Think about line lengths and where your line breaks should be. Some of your lines near the top are too long. The big issue though is again abstraction. If you can't see it, smell it, hear it, taste it...it is likely too abstract. Go though your poem word by word with that thought in mind.

I know that was brief, but I hope it helped.

Answer 4

I think your poem could be lovely with just a little bit of rewording. Sometimes the same words can be used, but just moved around, and a few words left out, or added. If I could just make a few suggestions? I am that silent girl, alone against the wall. The one that goes unnoticed. I seem faceless, nameless, Blending in with the rest of the world. Those who notice are captured by my presence, My existence is a mystery, To those who never noticed me before. “Where did she come from, how did she get here?” It is a question with an easy answer... if you had taken the time to acknowledge my existence. If you look for me you'll know where to find me. You won't have to look too far. Just stop searching, you'll notice a girl, seemingly posted...waiting silently up on the wall... acknowledge her..... Just my opinion, no offense meant ever. Thanks for sharing your poem. ♥

Answer 5

Okay, your title is "love"...big concept...novels have been written about it...so what do you have to say that is "new" to what's already been said? Let's see...

"your"...you said "your" 6 times...a little much, don't you think? how about "you"? only 3 times...almost too much. "feeling/s"? 4 times...too much. Misspellings: "can't" and "explanation".

You could have said,
"Your body trembles, mind is all mixed up
racing, pacing, just can't get enough" one "your" and the pair of lines still says the same thing. The next several lines are really confused...and no, it doesn't represent the confusion of the speaker...it's just confused. You need to "show" the feelings in a poem, not just "say" feelings...you didn't do that...you started to in the beginning, but then you ran out of metaphors and you dropped back to punt...no field goal...start over back at the 5...sorry...but a good try.

keep writing

Answer 6

Punctuation and spelling aside, there's nothing in here that screams out poetry to me. It speaks more to me about simple thoughts you have about a complex person. And then at the end, you seem to write it off. By "it" I mean this person's inability to deal with the moment to moment that most of us call "life."

DSM-IV would probably view this as clinical borderline personality disorder (fear of abandonment) or possibly bi-polar (the roller coaster up and down). Not sure that's what you were looking for.

If you are already emotionally invested in this person, help this person get help.

Answer 7

A good start.

I do, however, have to agree about proofreading your stuff. Meantime, take some creative writing classes, read some books on writing *written by writers*, and write--write--write!

Good luck to you.

Answer 8

Honestly, I don't want to discourage you, but I got nothing from it that seemed poetic. Sorry, try again. Never give up, and Todd does give good advice generally.

Answer 9

Honestly....use spell check.

Answer 10

leave the s off feelings.