My husband is a pure redneck, which I knew this when I married him, and I knew that he drinks, a lot. The problem is he keeps getting worse about how he treats me after he starts drinking. I've been through the same situation with him everytime he drinks of getting in fights over silly things because he takes things the wrong way when he drinks. I told him he's gotta choose, me and his daughter, or beer. Thats it, that simple. Alcohol has been the cause of all our fights, so was it wrong for me to make him choose like that?
2007-08-14 09:58:52 · 20 answers · asked by tiffthone 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I think some didn't catch this...I knew he drank before we got married. This is not what I have a problem with. As time has gone by he's gotten to the point where he is mean to me when he drinks, and picks fights. He didn't do that before we were married, its something he's developed over time.
2007-08-14 10:24:51 · update #1
Not wrong at all however it's not what you say it how you say it.
Give him 2-3 choices 1. continue drinking but live somewhere else 2. stop drinking and stay home 3. He start going to AA and you can go to Alanon to save the marriage because he is escalating and becoming abusive.
He might just get real macho & tell you to leave and you can't tell him what to do. This is the hard part you must leave and stay true to you convictions why? because you are right that's why.
He will have time to pary & think and party and think. Then wait for the call that he wants to work it oout. This does not happen quickly. Alcohol addiction is very strong so you must practice tough love because you are right. Stay strong and fight the good fight to keep your marriage!
2007-08-14 10:19:03 · answer #1 · answered by theladygeorge 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I've heard it said that giving an ultimatum puts the responsibility on the one who sets it, you, in this situation, because you'll be the one who has to follow through when he drinks again, and he will. The ultimatum, as you gave it, is setting him up to fail, so likewise, it's setting you up to have to follow through with something that you're apparently not ready or wanting to do just now.
If he's drank all of his life, telling him to dry up or else, he'll wind up at "or else", even if he doesn't want that.
Making it clear to him that you mean business, though, there's nothing wrong with that, but I think giving him something he can actually achieve, maybe as an intermediate step, would help you both out.
Explain to him how you feel when he drinks so much, giving him examples of his behavior, then telling him that it scares you, then convey how serious you are by the options you're considering. Meet him half way, at first, so that he'll be able to succeed in the ultimatum you set for him.
Good luck!
2007-08-14 17:17:53 · answer #2 · answered by Venzen 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Not wrong, who would blame you for wanting better for your daughter and yourself then that. Its NOT good for either of you. As hard as it is, you are doing the right thing, however, do you think he is an alchoholic? It may not be as simple to just quit, is he willing to try to make effort to quit. You just bottom line are the one who can say what is right oor wrong for you, what you will tolorate. I think its very couragious of you to give the ultamatum beings you are putting your daughter first and yourself. You may be in for a shock, he may choose the beer. I speak from experience, but it was not beer he chose. It hurt, but, I have standards for what I want in my life. Beer drinkin like he is doing is not good at all, fighting cause he's drunk!! Have you ever tried recording him when he is drunk and starting stuff with you. Try it out, let him see how he is, video and audio. Good liuck to you hun, I wish you the best of luck
2007-08-14 17:14:33 · answer #3 · answered by Maalru3 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is funny to read the womens answers to this one. I totally agree if he is abusive then yes. But what about when women gain alot of weight after they are married, it is only fair to give them the same choice, lose weight or I'm cheating. And it is the same. They both hurt marriages and if they weren't like that before they married and they have changed. See what kind of response this gets.
2007-08-15 11:16:05 · answer #4 · answered by hazmat1424 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
In your situation it is cause he is not going to stop drinking at least not for you. You accepted him this way, you knew he was like that before hand. I hope that you meant what you said and that you are ready to move on with your life...because the chances of him stopping are slim. I hope that you didn't do it only thinking that it will really stop, because if he doesn't stop and you stay it's going to get worse.
I hope that you weren't bluffing because you are going to get your heartbroken.
2007-08-14 17:27:15 · answer #5 · answered by darknangelic77 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No. He sounds like an alcoholic and he will likely keep getting worse unless he gets help.
So, you are only looking after you and your daughter's safety, sanity and security.
If you decide to give the ultimatim, be prepared to stick with it. If you go back on it, the situation will only get worse with you and your daughter stuck in the middle of it.
2007-08-14 17:05:41 · answer #6 · answered by Melanie J 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You shouldn't use things like this to manipulate someone but if you will actually follow through then it was ok to say it. The key being that you will not live like this. You should not ever threaten people to get the behavior you want but I do think it was fair to warn him in this case.
2007-08-14 17:17:00 · answer #7 · answered by Jessie 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm going to tell you from experience.
My father is a recovered alcoholic.
He caused alot of damage to my sister and I
in his drunken rages. I think my mother would've
gotten rid of him sooner...less damage would've been
done. My mother gave my father 3 times to get it together.
He checked himself into a veterans hospital each time. BUT the problem was my mom made him do it...he wasn't ready to
do it for himself...so it didn't work.
My advice to you is just leave while your daughter still
has somewhat nice memories of her father.
I can honestly tell you there will be ALOT of stuff that she will
NEVER forget.
2007-08-14 17:14:15 · answer #8 · answered by Lady T 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Nope, not unless you want to perpetuate the cycle with your daughter. If she grows up thinking its ok to be an enabler and married to a drunk then she'll be more likely to become an enabler and marry a drunk. I'd hope you would want better for her.
2007-08-14 17:05:42 · answer #9 · answered by gypsy g 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
NO, i think more women need to do this instead of putting up with it for longer because they don't want to leave. Do what is in your heart because otherwise yo will be very unhappy. A person should be very willing to quit drinking for his family....if he is not willing then he shouldn't have you anyway
2007-08-14 17:07:41 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋