How to resolve this without ruining a lifelong friendship?

Question

Ok, this is not a very serious problem, but i am just interested in others' opinions.

My best friend and I have been best friends with wach other for 22 years (we are both 33 now). We both have very young children. SHe has a son who is 2 and I have a daughter who is 20 months.

Her son is quite a difficult child - lots of tantrums, not very friendly. He pushes, pokes and rugby tackles my daughter, even when my daughter is being nice to him. SHe offers him her toys, drinks, tries to cuddle him. Nowadays she more or less leaves him a lone but he still attacks her.

I feel the boys mother is not firm enough when she tells him off for being violent. She does it in this softly softly voice, and i think she should really lay down the law (i would do that if it was my daughter attacking her son). SHe DOES tell him off, but gently.

It hurts me so bad to see my daughter being bullied - on occasions i have told off the boy sternly but his mother seems not to like me doing so.

So how do I approach this? AM i taking this too seriously - after all they are just kids? DO I need to get over it?

Do i try and avoid letting the two children playing together?

Or do i open up and tell my friend how i feel about the way I feel?

Help!

My daughter hasnt been SERIOUSLY hurt yet, but only by sheer luck. She has been hurt though. He sometimes goes up to her and gives her a vicious slap on her head! The more forceful slaps have been caught in time thankfully, but he has slapped her before.

Answer 1

Parents are so sensitive about their own children and no matter how you approach this, its going to cause friction. I am with you on this one. There is no way she should be allowing that kind of behaviour without tougher sanctions. Smacking is no longer PC (which is silly in my personal opinion) but there are plenty of other ways of directing her son's behaviour without resorting to physical punishment (and in this case, physical punishment would not teach the little chap anything!). Your friend might want you to think that she is in control and thus you will find that she gently tells off when you are around - she may well beat him with a stick in private! You do have to have the conversation if you want to continue enjoying each other's company - either that or it is going to lead to much resentment. I would wait until it happens again and then ask her to sort it out properly as you don't like it and her gentle tellings off are doing nothing to resolve it. If you attempt a non-judgemental method of discussion (it wont be easy) then hopefully she may open up and tell you that she is actually at a loss of what to do. Or she may get up and walk out! If she does take it badly, you will have to remind her that you have been friends for a long time and you would never want to hurt her but you do find her son overwhelming at times. Also, make sure you mention his good points too. Good luck.

Answer 2

oh i would defiantly say something to your friend!! without a doubt.
theres no need for this kind of behaviour if it can be prevented meaning his mother should as you say lay down the law!
me and my sister have a friend and her boy was exactly the same and it did our heads in that his mother never said anything, so before long we were having to tell him to leave our kids alone as we felt she wasn't doing enough to stop it. But then another problem occurred, she didn't like us telling her son off for battering our kids so it goes on.
Why not try not seeing your friend for a few days and if or when she asks where you've been you can then use this time to say 'i've been thinking (you no the rest)' and try in a very nice and gently way to put your point across as you have a young daughter to protect and that your only doing your job as a good mother!
Good luck

Answer 3

well it's good that she doesn't smack the child but I do know what you mean my son is also 20m old and when we go to play group some children are never watched and my son has been picked on, I do the same as you I say that's not very nice and give them a stun look.
however if she is a real friend you should be able to approach her tactfully for example I was reading a book the other day and it said this I'm gonna try it with my daughter what do you think.
if that doesn't work i know it's hard but it is probably best to distance your self from her children are like sponges and if you daughter see him being violent all the time with no punishment she is going to think it's OK to do it you need to have friends with the same views as you other wise your always gonna be biting your tongue!

Answer 4

A true test of character is when people show their parental skills. I have actually lost respect for people in such a way. If someone is attacking your child you have the right to have a go back - let's face it, if it were an adult, you would thump them hard. If it were my child doing it, a good slap round the legs would be in order.

Sorry to say this, but you are in a losing battle. Your friend is useless with her son, and if she cannot be bothered to stop him attacking your child, walk out wherever you are, and tell her why. You have a duty to protect your child. How do you suppose she feels if you are allowing this to carry on?

Answer 5

At 20 months old you daughter is still a baby and not capable of protecting herself, you should not feel guilty about rebuking anyone who does her harm - even if it's a two year old! If your friend does not like her son to be told off then she needs to tackle her sons behaviour herself. I have been in this situation, when my friend told me that she did not like others telling her son off I asked her how she would feel about someone hitting him. She got the message!

Answer 6

This kinda is a big problem! My brother's 3, and is quite badly behaved at home, and i would be appalled if he behaved like that infront of other kids or adults. I don't think you should be disciplining the boy yourself, after all, it's not your place, unless he's in your care. You should just talk to your friend and tell her how you feel and how you are worried about your children being friends. If talking to her doesn't work, just tell her that you don't think your kids should play together until his behaviour and discipline is sorted.

Answer 7

This is a sad thing to say but for the sake of your daughter I think you need to end this friendship or if poss just keep it as an adult friendship you can not let this carry on and she needs to deal with her child now.Are you close to her parents would they maybe say something to her I would never let my children behave like that and if he is not stopped now he will only get worse.Good luck hope this helps.

Answer 8

the kids r too small to handle that themselves so some intervention from ur side is needed,have a general talk with ur friend not accusing the boy of what he does,explain her it might lead to a serious thing if it is not controlled right now, n i m sure she will understand this n not offend
good luck

Answer 9

I think that unless your child is being physically hurt, you should let the kids work it out. It's hard but you can't be there every moment to protect your daughter from bullies, she has to learn how to handle it herself.