How do you get over abuse?

Question

I was in a very abusive relationship. Both physical but more so mentally. My wife was abused as a child and brought those dynamics into the house. I tried everything to make it work. the rules kept changing, she couldn't control her temper or whatever came out of her mouth, and sometimes things would come flying at me. i knew that if i touched her, i would be the one charged with domestic violence. Finally she left. I was relieved at first but notice that i suffered a lot of trauma. i was beaten down emotionally and am just now noticing that my self esteem and confidence really took a beating by staying in it. i was married though so i was determined to make it work. now i'm paying the price. i feel like i was in a war zone now that i'm out of it. what's the best way to get over it?

Answer 1

get out of that unhealthy relationship and seek counseling. However, remember, time is the best healer. Though scars will remain, you'll be able to overcome most of the problems you've faced.

Answer 2

Realize that you WERE in a war zone!

Truthfully, you never really get "over" it, but you will end up with a peace and closure about it.

In working with couples in crisis and personal experience, the best remedy and medicine are the following things if you are either not married or divorced...

1. Find a new love. One of the hardest things about the ending of a relationship is the emptiness, loneliness and void that is left behind. When my ex left, I was talking to the christmas lights with tears hoping things would work out. But a fresh new love will start to mend broken ligiments, and the emotions that someone will love and accept you, and not hurt you will overall be your best healing element. Until you have a connection of someone to replace that someone, you will be filling in holes and gaps. But a person has the unique ablity to either bring someone down, or lift someone up.

2. Join some kind of group. Whether a church, house-church, recovery, anything. It will definately help you to get your focus off of yourself and the pain.

3. Learn, learn, learn. Know that your experience has taught you quite a bit. Learn from your mistakes, and hers, what could be different next time, and what could help others.

4. Get involved. The more activities, people, and surroundings you are involved in, the more "alive" you will feel.

5. Accept the hurt. Don't suppress it, but allow it to be healed.


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Answer 3

Been there done that. I'm single and I plan on staying that way, I can only say that I'm putting it all behind me. I lived with an abusive man, alcoholic,chronic liar, much more vendictive than I can express. I did everything I could to try and make things work and I came to the conclusion that when someone hates themselves so much, all they can do is lash out and blame everything that's wrong on everybody else, never accepting responsibility for their own stupidity. In no way am I saying that I'm perfect, but I am saying that this world has happiness and peace, it isn't suppose to be total chaos all the time. Just try to find good things that life has to offer and feel blessed that you are out of the war zone and there is good in this world, not everyone is crazy. You can't change the past just try to make the future better, if you carry all that baggage with you, it will eat you up. Just let it go and find peace with yourself knowing you gave it your all.

Answer 4

My husband was in the same exact situation. He said more than likely there was someone else that you didnt know about. Maybe not physically, but emotionaly. He would advise to try dressing differently, basicaly upgrade your appearance. It helps your self esteem to an extent. You made the right decision by not hitting her back. It would have never gotten any better. He stayed in his for 17 years. Move on with your life and try not to have any contact at all with her. She will be miserable for the rest of her life and will keep you that way if you allow her to do so. Things do get better, but you have to move in a positive direction along the way. Try to find new people to hang out with and bring new things into your life. Find some good friends who will be supportive of you. Try bringing something into your life that will make you feel better about yourself after it is accomplished like going back to school for a degree or something similar. Volunteering to help others. These are a few things that will help with self esteem. But mostly it will take time more than anything. Just be sure not to take a step back, bc one step back will be like starting completely back over.

Answer 5

It is a lot harder for guys to get over this kind of thing because they have a very hard time admitting it even happened. So kudos to you for admitting it, that is the first real step in making the turn around. A good counselor can help or a good friend, someone that you can talk to that will listen. It is important that you not suppress, because you can become just what she was very easily. Often times, people will end up right back in the same kind of relationship if they do not identify the problem and it just gets worse.

Answer 6

Well firstly try not to be in any relationships until you can fully heal. Go to a therapist and if you can't afford that get some self-help/self-enrichment books to boast your sense of being a man once again. Time will help but list down the traits she had you didn't like and don't settle until you can find someone who treats like a person. Abuse is hard and I have been through it myself. The only thing that has truly helped me though is therapy and still I have the horribly miserable feelings. Just hang in there and I'm praying for you!

Answer 7

Time, patience, possibly counselling and talking about it openly definitely helps. This is a serious issue and can definitely lead to depression if you're not careful. Most men don't talk about abuse, but don't be afraid to get it out in the open with someone you trust, be it male or female. It will be up to you whether or not you want to go the professional counselling route. Hopefully you know that not all women are like that, and at least you recognized the fact that she brought it into your house due to her childhood. Take some time to yourself before you engage in another serious relationship and take time to do things that increase your confidence and self-esteem. Positive self-talk will help you as well as prayer and meditation. Keep your head up and don't lose hope. Keep yourself surrounded with positive, uplifting/supportive people.

Answer 8

I suffered from an abusive mother when I was a child. And when I got to my teens, her beating stopped but verbal abuse was even more hurting then physical pain.

Overtime, I have learnt to forgive her and focus on re-defining my life ahead. Its not an overnight things but with an open mind and open heart, you will come out of it. You are responsible for making yourself happy. Later on, you will realized that all these has molded you to be a much stronger and positive person.

Answer 9

I feel sorry for what happen to you, if she already left you should feel HAPPY... what's wrong with you? These woman with her personal issues was making you have a miserable life. So, wake up stop feeling sorry for yourself and start your life again. Make new friends, talk with family, find a hobby... go out and try to put that bad experience behind your back. Playing as a victim will not resolve your problems or make you feel better. Put your mind in other stuff and that will help you forget what you went through.
Good luck :)

Answer 10

I was in a similar situation... I didn't give up until I was in a mental health facility... they helped me see things clearer. Find a good therapist and don't stick with the first one. You might want to consider some medicine depending on the severity of the situation. It is hard and it will take lots of time to heal but with the mind power you will grow stronger and be able to get over your loss. I wish you luck.

Answer 11

Every day your confidence will build, but do you ever feel like you did before that person came into your life? I don't know. Its been 2 years for me and I'm really starting to realize how much damage he really did. I can't say I love you to another man. I want too, because he seems great...but so did my X in the beginning. I literally choke when I try to tell him anything personal. I don't want to give him an arsenal to use against me later on...know what I mean?