Do I stay with my husband of 8 years who has intimacy issues?

Question

He admits to not being able to give me the affection and attention that I desire/need, says he just "can't do it". He has been to therapy alone and with me as well but it hasn't helped. Do I TRY to learn to live without these things or do I leave him and try to find it elsewhere eventually? I have been so lonely for 6 years now that I have cheated on him several times due to the sheer need to be touched, desired, and wanted. We have two young kids together and he is a great father, but not the kind of husband that I feel that I need. Is it selfish to leave him considering he isn't abusing me or anything like that?

It's not just about the sex, it is also touching, kissing, complimenting me. We are like roomates. But is had pretty much always been this way, so I guess I know this when I married him but I was young and though I could learn to live without it...

Answer 1

I think you should leave. It is not fair to him or the children that you are cheating.

Answer 2

He IS abusing you by not giving you the love you desire and need. You may never find a person to be the way that you want him to be. But do you settle for less than you need? I am afraid you have to answer that yourself. If you are giving up security for the dreams of desire, touching, wanted, then I would NOT take the chance of thinking that I could find this in any man. Weigh your values completely. Does this man abuse you in any other way? Is there something that you are NOT doing that you think he would like, do you expect HIM to make all the romantic advances? Do you try new things to amuse him? Perhaps the problems lies with you, not him. Think long and hard before you leave or even consider leaving for good.

Answer 3

Yes - when you said intimacy I was assuming you meant more than just sex. Why has it always been this way? He seems very distant from what you described.


First things first NO ONE SHOULD BE UNHAPPY FOR ***6*** YEARS!

If he admits to not being able to give you the affection you need - then you have more than just a minor problem on your hands. Why can't he do it? Are you unattractive to him? Does he have a problem that he's too embarrassed to tell you about?

If therapy isn't helping - then you CANNOT continue to live this way. You are going to eventually be driven to depression and maybe even suicide. I know you love your kids and you want to stay with their Dad for the sake of them - but if you would be divorced - that doesn't mean they would never see their father or bond with him ever again.

Look - in life there are permanent changes we know we can live with. When you got pregnant that was a permanent change. From then on you had a responsibility the rest of your life. You were happy and you knew having a child was something you wanted and something you could live with. Now this is a change that isn't healthy on any level what-so-ever. You NEED to be touched and told that you are beautiful. You need intimacy. This is taking a toll on your self esteem. Not having self esteem can affect you in more ways than one. It can affect you at your job, school, decision making. Do not think for a minute that this is okay to live this way.

It sounds to me that you already made your decision on this one. I see signs that you want to leave but you just want to be 100% sure you are making the right choice before you actually go through with it.

Does your husband have problems in other areas? Maybe emotionally unstable? Does he bond well with the children? Does he seem distant? I highly doubt the problem ends here. He has something going on that stems back to God knows when.

It isn't wrong to leave him. Some may say stay with him for the sake of the children. But you need to do what is healthy for YOU and your children. Your children will see how their Mom and Dad act together. They will see that their Dad and Mom are not affectionate. It might even take a toll on them when they are older. It will eventually hurt your children to see their Mom unhappy.

Just b/c he isn't abusing you doesn't mean that you can't leave him. You are DEPRESSED! You have been depressed for six years. Do you want to be depressed the rest of your life? That's a long time to be sad.

You do have to think of the financial burden this will have on you and your children. If you need to hang around long enough to be secure. In the meantime plan the divorce talk out and look for apartments. Think of what will happen to the family dog if you have one. All of these things need to be taken into consideration.

Answer 4

I can kind of see both sides of this. I left my first husband because I wasn't happy. I am like your husband as in I am not an affectionate person. That's not the way I was raised. My second husband that I am currently married to now is a touchy feely kind of person. He likes to give affection and get it. Some how we make it work. I think if your not happy then you should leave. Your kids will see your unhappiness and I don't think that's fair to them. But you also need to take responsibility for this marriage also. You yourself said you knew he was like this when you married him. Well there must have been other things about him you loved that made you want to marry him. Sit down and think if those things outweigh him not being an affectionate person and then make your decision if your going to stay or not.

Answer 5

I was with my husband for 7 years and we have 1 child together, it was the same for us and it went on for a good 5 years. He always slept on the couch and we never did anything together, one day i had enough of being alone and i looked in the mirror and realized i was still young and attractive, i wanted to go out on my own and be wanted again and knew that i only had a few good years left so that is what i did. I left with nothing, my daughter and i have had to start a whole new life again and i'm glad i did. I dont have a steady boyfriend yet but i have definately met alot of great people and had a lot of fun sexual encounters. After i left my ex I did find out that for a good year he had a girlfriend on the side and if i didnt leave i probably never would have found out about it. Trust me it hasnt been an easy year but every month i find happiness in myself and in others that i never realized before. Your not being shelfish, we all only get one life, live it to the fullest and enjoy every day you get.

Answer 6

I am in the same situation with a few differences, I am not married to him and I don't have children. I have cheated on him with a man I have known for 6 yrs and has been my best friend. I feel like my b/F's roommate and nothing more. My friends tell me I can't cheat on a roommate. I justify my actions by saying he drove me into the arms of another man because if he was giving me what I need and desire, I wouldn't go to my best friend. I did it for the reasons of feeling loved, wanted, desired, beautiful and sexy, all of which my b/f lacks in making me feel, My b/f doesn't abuse me either, he is a little controlling, as in controlling every dime of my paycheck and gives me no cash for myself. I wish I knew the answer, sweetie, if I did, I wouldn't be so confused myself. I know this isn't advice, but maybe just letting you know you aren't alone will help some. You can email me if you would like to talk. I'd be happy to hear from you. Good luck and take care I also have tried talking to him on several occasions, wrote him letters, even sent him emails, and nothing works, it's like he thinks if he ignores our problems, we don't have any. He just won't discuss our relationship problems. I know he can be the man I want, because I found a chat session he had with his ex and he was telling her all the compliments and sweet things I want him to say to me.

Answer 7

Three things.

1. All counselors and therapists are not created equal. If one did not work, then another might. If you want to make this marriage work, then get back to another marriage counselor and get this fixed! Also, have you had your husband talk to his doctor? That's a no-brainer. It could be medical or biogical, and therefore treatable with medication.

2. Cheating is not just bad for your relationship with your husband. It is bad for your children and you as well. You risk getting pregnant, contracting a disease, getting caught, and then having to explain it all to your kids. Very bad idea. You are just making the problem worse by handling it in this immature and childish manner.

3. If things cannot be resolved, then the best thing you can do is be a mature adult and divorce him. You are NOT doing your children a favor staying with him if he is a bad husband, regardless of what kind of father he is. You are essentially teaching your children how NOT to have a good relationship when they grow up. And do you really think they don't sense the tension? Do you really think it has no impact on them? You know it does. Your husband can be a good father, even if you are divorced. If you (or him) are not willing to resolve the real problem, then I think it is selfish of you NOT to leave him.

Good luck!

Answer 8

I don't mean this to be funny, but have you guys tried seeing a doctor for Viagra or something along those lines. Also he can give you affection without being able to give you sex. I don't mean this in a bad way, but lesbians stay together, and they can not penetrate each other, but the can use their mouth, they can hold, and caress each other, and they can use toys so to me I just don't see the problem. You can still be provided with sexual activity, and be happy with just a little open mindedness, and effort. Also check out the website I have included. I wanted to add is it that he can't do it to you because he is doing it with someone else, and the two of you are just really good room mates.


http://www.theromantic.com/101%20Romantic%20Ideas3.pdf

Answer 9

Let me get this straight he is a great father.... two YOUNG kids together! Hmmmmm... so he does give you affection and attention? It's just less than YOU desire / YOU need.... he's not the husband "[ I ] feel" "[ I ] need".

Unfortunately for him, YOU sound very needy and selfish, and YOU cheating [several times] is proof enough to me YOU are selfish...

Honestly, HE deserves better than YOU!!!!

Answer 10

Been there, done that. I chose to stay for the kids. It was a mistake for me. Although I didn't cheat on him, I sure wanted to. I too need the kind of attention I think every woman needs. Be true to yourself. You have to take care of yourself, so you can take care of the kids. If you are like me at all, without my needs being met, it was soooo hard to meet their needs. You know the answer. You have all along. Follow your own instincts.

Blessed Be and may you find Peace

Answer 11

You have cheated several times? Does he know about this? maybe you have just answered your own question as to why he won't be intimate with you. When you marry someone, you need to accept that their may come a time when they may end up paralyzed and in a wheelchair like Christoper Reeve and unable to touch you! Don't get married if you cannot accept the "worse, poorer, and sickness" part of the vows!!!!