wat do u peeps think of ma poem?

Question

murdered beyond the door
my mothers breath was heard no more
i heard my father trembled in tears
now all i had was memories

my father cryed beyond the door
as i hear the click of the guns chrigger
now all i could was sit there
and feel my father die

then the door opens
it was my father being pushed through in torture
a shadow came towards him
and shot my father in the head

i was terrifed, i had to run
but i was in a corner
the shadow was approaching me
and there i screamed in horror

the shadow became two and three
and then three guns faced me
then my once normal life became death
on the summer of july.

star me if u liked it

im 11 if this is in any use

Answer 1

If you are 11 you have real talent.Keep nurturing that talent and you will do well.It doesn't matter about the subject matter as others have mentioned.Some people are just freaked out by it.The fact that you have used this subject makes it more amazing that your poem is so good.Well done.

Answer 2

Wat do u peeps think of ma poem? Are you from a country that doesn't speak English? Anyway, I got my grandson to translate it into "What do you people think of my poem?" and I replied to him (Though he told me to write it down), Go onto http://www.storywrite.com or better still, http://www.poetrywrite.com These are free sites that you can sign up to, brother and sister sites, that you put your literal work on to be judged and commented on by fellow users, many very serious about writing, though that is not necessary. (The people on the sites' ages range from around seven to twenty-five, but if you so wished, you cn go onto a child friendlier version. There is no swearing consented and anyone caught doing so will be banned.You read the rules.) All it has to be is a past time or small hobby in boredom. You can sign up for a membership as well though, giving you more privileges, though that costs money. For the first month (I think it's a month) you get silver membership free, but then you get downgraded to a bronze. It doesn't matter what membership you have really, but if you want to apply a picture for customisation of your page, do that straight away, or in the silver membership stage. I know I trailed off the subject a little, but your poem is a sad little thing that feels completely misplaced right now, and so I won't read it and judge it.
I hope this was more informative than you had anticipated.
Regards,
Nanny
P.S You spell it "Cried" not "Cryed". Future reference.
P.P.S Your punctuation is in need of improvement. Kind hand of help.
P.P.P.S It is not chrigger, it's trigger
P.P.P.P.S etc.,etc.
P.P.P.P.P.S OK, so I am judging it...
P.P.P.P.P.P.S You shouldn't have mentioned your age, looking at other readers' comments.

Answer 3

Did you die at the end?
Is it coming from your point of view after death?
That's how I imagined it.

What's scary is that I actually know a very nice family that a story like this happened to. All except for the dad and person telling it dying. The dad I know remarried a flight attendant. The kid that witnessed the crime is real though. It's just the world we live in, unfortunately. We live in a world where there is war and violence and some people have to live amongst it and have it affect their lives. I hope you are just venting over something that you saw or heard happened and not just having these thoughts for no reason.

Answer 4

For someone of your age, you sure have some deep feelings that really should be addressed! If that poem came from the heart... anyway, it's quite good, but not the type of poem most people would exactly enjoy reading.

Answer 5

Mmm, morbid thoughts for an eleven year old. I should lighten up a bit if I were you. Why not have a go at a feel good subject?
Bet you'd get good reviews.

Answer 6

Its very sturdy. And as for the farting!!! you're no longer on my own with a daddy like that i'm afraid. Why no longer connect your dad and do what my 12 year previous has finished together with her dad...they have their very own specific fart club. i'm no longer a member.

Answer 7

My grandaughter is 11 and if I thought for one second she was thinking and writing things like this, I would be very concerned! Where do these ideas come from?

Answer 8

it needs alittle work, the first parragraph i would leave alone. I hope this is not a true poem, if it is this is a way to express it. I write poems about life to.

Answer 9

Too dark for you're age. Sounds more like a nightmare you had. Sorry, no star

Answer 10

i think its a very good poem i felt the pain and depth with in it.i think it could use more detail you have the potential to exspand and not stay so broad its very good though :)