Divorce yes or no?

Question

After 19 years of marriage it appears to be over. Over the years our sex life has slowly but surely been fading away. about 3 years ago wife made it clear that she was only have sexing because it something that married people do. Then a year ago she had hysto... surgery and it went from some to nothing. Have asked her about it and she just says that sex isn't something she wants to do anymore at all. She did offer me sex about 8 months ago and it was like doing it to a dead log it was just dry and she was like hurry up and get done. So I just stopped didnt even finish and went to sleep. A few months ago I met a women and we did have sex but now feel so guilty. I just want my wife back the way she was in the first 15 years of marriage. To add to this she does not want to hug, kiss or even just hold each other. We did try counseling but said she wasn't going to go anymore because she was happy the way things are and if i had a problem with the lack of intimacy then I could continue to go

Answer 1

Sounds to me like your wife has already given the marriage up. I think it's reasonable to assume that it's time for you to set the ball in motion for a divorce. It isn't fair to you if you are so unhappy. You deserve to happy. There is however more to a marriage than sex. Do you have children? Does your wife work? Does she show you love and affection in other ways? Yor wife need to understand your needs as well. If that isn't happening, find yourself someone who can fulfill those needs. Come straight out and explain to your wife what is bothering you, and that you feel the need to seek someone else because of your desires. No need to tell her about the fling. That will only make matters worse. Just explain that you need more from a relationship and that if she isn't willing to try, then you're out. It's as simple as that.

Answer 2

Well - she's already made her decision regarding this matter now its time to make YOURS.

You need to sit her down and make your feelings known. Ask her why she feels its OK to devalue your feelings and needs for intimacy in the relationship. If she refuses to go to counselling with you, then ask her if she's OK with you sleeping with other women.

YES - straight out ask her ! If she says yes, then the problem is solved. If she is against it, then she either needs to step up to the plate and help the two of you "fix" this issue in your marriage or you should leave her - plain and simple.

Its obvious from your post that you are in an unhappy situation that you do not want to continue the way it is. If she's unwilling to even attempt to address the issue with you, then SHE's already made the decision.

You just need to decide what you are going to do: 1) work it out 2) cheat on her 3) have and open relationship 4) leave her.

Its a multiple choice 1,2,3 or 4. Oh - I guess there is a #5 - that would be remain in a miserable marriage for the remainder of your life. So its not much of a choice.

She needs to be willing to at least attempt to address the issue with you (counselling, doctor's visit, compromise on frequency) or I'd step out (with permission) or leave if she doesn't want you to take a lover - plain and simple.

If she doesn't want to do it - she can't really be too upset if you go get it somewhere else.

Answer 3

Let me first start by telling you that counseling only works when BOTH parties participate. I went through a bad time in my marriage and at one point my husband was going to therapy with me but I found out later it was only to shut me up. Pretty soon he started missing appointments and I'd end up at the session alone. That was a big hint for me. It doesn't make any sense for one person to go and seek help when the other just doesn't care and is drifting aimlessly. I truely feel bad for your situation however from my own personal experience I would suggest you keep going to your counseling alone. Turn the focus on your marriage and on yourself and what you can do to make the situation better for YOU. Divorce may have to be the option for you. Why settle for a marriage that clearly makes you unhappy and why settle for a woman who doesn't even care??? In the long run you're only hurting yourself because she seems "content" with the situation and content just sitting idle in her marriage. **I think your wife may need some counseling as well. I know when my mom had a hysterectomy it sent her a.s.s. thru a lot of changes, especially hormonal. I hated to be around her. Her problem was fixed because SHE wanted it to be. So she did whatever was necessary. Medication etc..But it sounds like even prior to that she had "issues". Really at this point it's your call on what you want to do. Maybe if you sit and talk to your wife and let her know about the possibility of leaving she may want to shape up. If not, then you'll know where your marriage stands. *My parents have been married over 30 years and they still act like teenagers with eachother, so I know firsthand that a loving relationship is possible after MANY years of marriage.

Answer 4

Ask your wife if she is happy with herself and your current marriage, chances are she will say no. A hysterectomy changes a woman incredibly and makes even the thought of sex or human interaction difficult. Discuss with her hormone replacement therapy to make her feel more like a woman. As for the adultery, tell her, but not alone do it in counseling so there is an objective party in the room. I wish you luck and I hope you can work it out, that is a long time of marriage to just all of a sudden give up.

Answer 5

Abandonment comes in many forms. It sounds like your wife has abandoned you intimately and emotionally. If she is happy with the way things are, then she obviously does not care about how you feel. Marriage is a two way street. Both parties need to strive to meet the needs of the other. Offer counseling again, if she refuses, try an ultimatum. If she still refuses to get help and try to improve your relationship, then divorce could be on the horizon. That's your choice. But, adultry is never okay no matter what.

Answer 6

Wow....that's so hard! I wouldn't advocate divorce...but she doesn't even want to try!!! Doesn't she love you? Does she realize that she owes it to you? (Just as you owe it to her as well.)
It was wrong that you cheated, even if she doesn't care. The guilt is natural. But I don't think that it destroys your chances of working it out. It would be hard to convince her to try though...if she's not willing at all to work to save your marriage (which sex is a CRUCIAL part of), then there's nothing you can do. However, dont' be too quick to throw away 19 years of marriage.
I would really talk to her...find out if she even loves you...if she does, then your needs and happiness should be important to her. She's being extremely selfish.
As for your side...just try to look at your marriage and yourself, and honestly ask yourself if there's anything you may have done to contribute to it deteriorating. Maybe you didn't try to please her, maybe you weren't caring about her other needs (emotional, making her feel loved, etc...). I'm not saying you're to blame, but marriage takes 100% from both people. Maybe this started a LONG time ago. Those are just suggestions...only you know if there's anything you did. You could even ask her straight out...."Did I do anything or not do anything years back or throughout our whole marriage to make you feel this way? Was I neglectful in any way?..." Only if you're really clueless. Also that way she'll see that you care about her too.
Good luck,,,prayers are with you, I hope you can work this out. :-)

Answer 7

Hmm, maybe sit down and have a heart to heart talk. Maybe something is bothering her?

Also-as for lack of intimacy, perhaps she has a medical condition that makes it hurt? Some women have that-or maybe she can talk to her doctor about the lack of drive-and there can be something perscribed.

I don't think divorce is necessarily the answer-just talk to her. Explain how you feel. Maybe plan certain days for that-doing something you like, then her-spice it up?

Other than that-not much you can really do except for talk to her.

I wouldn't really suggest an affair-thats going to make things A TON worse with your wife. That could lead to divorce and her not wanting to do anything more.

I would try and come clean to her about this other woman...hiding it will be hard for you and make life difficult.

All in all,
Good Luck.

Hope I helped.

I'm here 24/7 if you need me. [e-mail]

-Jen

Answer 8

If she had a hysterectomy (removal of uterus lining), for most women, this puts them in menopause. Menopause in many women causes changes since it is a lack of specific hormones that regulates body functions. Aside from the usual hot flashes, night sweats, mood changes, when it comes to sex, they either take it (with a vengeance) or leave it. Not all women have the same symptoms as everyone is different. But one definite sign is your last sentence...if you don't like it....a woman in menopause will not beat around the bushes, she will tell you what she likes and what she does not. I understand that once menopause is over, women either go back to before or not. If the sex was bad before this, very little will resurrect it except if you work hard at it. You need to find out what exactly is the reason she does not enjoy sex - technique? lack of ? no feelings on her part? The two of you need to communicate.

Answer 9

Dude...I had an almost identical experience with my wife except for the cheating part and mine turned to prescription meds. After six years of nothing in the sex department and increasing abuse from her, I told her things had to change or it was over after 27 years of marriage. Well, her answer was do whatever you think you can handle. I've been divorced for four years now and happy. I hate what happened but she refused counseling, drug treatment and to even care. I read an article about hysterectomies and what you describe is very common. The article recommended that women take hormone therapy of estrogen to control the hot flashes and testosterone to increase the sex drive and secretions in the Virgina. I tried to get my ex-wife to try this for about three years but she refused and sank deeper into her Rx drug stupor. I am better off now and very happy.

Answer 10

A person will not change no matter what. U either accept ur wife the way she is and either continue cheating or don't cheat and get off on your own!

Or divorce her and move on!

After all, Is she in love with U ... Cause anyone can love another person but if she's no longer in love with U then ... Move along and find someone that'll make U happy and appreciate U as an individual, husband, father, friend etc...