Wife is a stay-at-home Mom and I work full-time for a large corporation. I don't work excessive hours, but my job is demanding. Not saying her job isn't, as staying home taking care of kids, is not easy also. We have sex about ONCE every 3-4 months (I'm not exagerating!). I find this completely UNACCEPTABLE and she finds it OK. Mind you, she is on Effexor for anxiety/mild depression. She is 5'8; 230lbs and I'm sure she doesn;'t feel sexy, but come on. We don't sleep together anymore as she says I keep her up snoring, but when I wake up in middle of night to use the bathroom, guess who I hear snoring? Yes, her. I'm frustruated. I been asking her to seek counceling with me, but she refuses to talk to a stranger, so finally 3 wks ago I went to make an appt with a psychologist and this week will be my 2nd session. I'm going alone.
2007-08-14 05:41:13 · 43 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I'd tell her because of her weight, she probably has sleep apnea, which makes her tired. If she got on a breathing machine, she'd sleep better, have more energy and would lose weight.
2007-08-14 05:46:21 · answer #1 · answered by Jules 5 · 2⤊ 2⤋
I am sorry. Marriage is hard work as you can tell. I would try to save the marriage. Buy her and yourself a gym membership so that you both can become fit again, even if you don't need it. Then try to take her out without the kids and do things together to rekindle the marriage. My husband and I have struggled. We had sex like once a month and couldn't stand each other. But whenever we go on a trip away from the kids for a weekend we come back much more comfortable with each other. I am a stay-at-home mom and sometimes I just get tired of being touch by the kids. There is never any ME time. We get caught up with the daily grind and life gets hard. But..it can be fixed if you want it to. Have you spoken to her about a divorce? What is her opinion? Does she still want to be married? I'm not saying that having a private mini trip solves it all but it does give you two time to be alone and to talk without interruptions. And maybe get some! Good luck.
2007-08-14 10:15:22 · answer #2 · answered by ~Charity~ 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is good that you are at least seeking counseling. Though she maybe over weight and on effexor there are a number of things that will assist her to get into the mood, your job is to find the right thing. Fact is she would probably loose much of that weight if you all had daily or 3X a week "workouts" another words sex burns a lot of calories and gives the muscles a good work out too. You seem to be a loving and caring husband, and after 12 years things become routine and people become complacent. Time for you to break up the monotony of it all and make a fresh go of it all. Sit and have a one on one talk over dinner and wine, with no blaming.
2007-08-14 05:56:28 · answer #3 · answered by 20+ years and still in-love! 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's great that you are seeking help, even is she refuses to go, but understand that the situation you are in is normal. Couples, happily married, perfectly healthy with no issues such as depression, and have kids also go through the same thing. It is stress and every day family life. The more you put pressure on her, the more she may not want to. Hopefully the therapist will give you great ways to approach the situation, but if your wife doesn't give it to you more than once every three months, then make sure everytime you do get it, it's absolutely awesome for both sides, and that may make it happen a little more frequently.
2007-08-14 05:53:43 · answer #4 · answered by Lovebug123 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If she doesn't want to talk to a stranger, maybe she can talk with her medical doctor about this. Maybe the two of you could visit him together.
I think it's great that you're going on your own. It's likely to help and maybe you'll find some strategies to talk with her from your therapist.
The antidepressant makes it very unpleasant to have sex. Not just, not wanting it, but not enjoying it. Maybe she should think about trying a different medication.
I have the same type of problem. Ever since I started taking antidepressants I am totally uninterested. My husband and I have an unspoken understanding. Every other night.
You are not in the minority in this situation. There are many, many couples having the same difficulties. Just don't feel like there's no hope. It can get better.
You just have to approach it gently. Being overweight is really depressing. When you add that to the fact that she already feels like she's screwed up for having to take antidepressants it really begins to do a number on her.
2007-08-14 05:51:35 · answer #5 · answered by dustalyn 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Its obvious that your wife is depressed, and its probably a combination of things. Unfortunately help has to be her idea not yours. I think you are doing the right thing right now by seeing a counselor as this will give you the tools to cope.
One thing I would suggest is that you look seriously at your behavior. You said you have a demanding job and that usually means its stress filled. You say you want more sex, but when was the last time you actually dated your wife? You have kids, and that's usually something that sucks the energy and life out of any relationship, but have you guys actually sent the kids off to grandma's or brought in a babysitter and spend some adult time together any time since they were born?
Someone who simply wanted sex because he was my husband and wasn't willing to grow the relationship past the parenting stage would depress me too. I'm not saying that's all you want, but that's where you started your question.
You have to keep up your end of the bargain before you can complain about anyone else.
2007-08-14 05:52:41 · answer #6 · answered by tjnstlouismo 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Perhaps you'll find a way to work this out because your other choice is divorce. Many married people tend to avoid this as it causes emotional, physical and mental stress on everyone involved. You divide up the assets, and the kids as well. No matter how you try, it's an exceptional person that will not take this divorce and turn it into revenge whether it's in terms of money, assets, or the children themselves. I personally only know of 2 couples, and they did it as civil as possible for the sake of the children. Many adults in this situation find themselves caught in the middle and it's difficult to segregate one's feelings from what is right.
If you find yourself going to counseling alone, it's a good possibility that you may find yourself alone in this, and any decisions you make as a result may look like a traitor in her eyes. I would recommend that you keep the lines of communication open as much as possible.
Good luck to both of you.
2007-08-14 05:55:40 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hormonal problems as a result of her weight may be the reason for the decreased sex drive. It's not really an issue of "feeling" sexy...I think that it may be more chemical. I had a friend who had a wife that was a big woman, and she had the same problem as well. It has actually gotten better because she had that surgery..gastric bypass. Her health was getting pretty bad so...
Rather than talking to a psychologist, maybe you should talk to your family doctor he may be able to help you figure out if her lack of drive stems from hormonal or not, and if they are hormonal he may be able to give you some alternate solutions, that's where I would start.
2007-08-14 09:23:46 · answer #8 · answered by darknangelic77 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Good for you for going to counseling...even if she refuses. It will help you deal with the situation and be able to make stable decisions. It is unacceptable to be able to be with your spouse so infrequently.....especially if in the past it was always a bit different. I can understand if she is depressed that it may be somewhat difficult to be 'in the mood', but I would also think that if all else is well in the relationship she would want to work on whatever the problem may be. Good luck...but by all means keep attending the sessions. It will help you in the end.
2007-08-14 07:07:19 · answer #9 · answered by Kaylee 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
More than likely, she doesn't feel attractive. She's probably down because life has become so mundane.
Find a babysitter. Take her on a romantic night out. Pull out all the stops. WITH NO EXPECTATION OF GETTING ANY!!! Just make her feel loved. Make her feel attractive. Make sure that she knows that you love her no matter what her weight is. And don't just do this one time. Make it a bi-weekly/monthly thing.
You guys fell in love and decided to make a life together. You need to remember that you wanted to be together before kids. Make time for yourselves to just be a couple. Find those things that attracted you to her in the first place.
Don't expect change overnight. It took a long time for things to get the way they are. It will take time for things get back to the way they were.
Good luck. :)
2007-08-14 05:56:27 · answer #10 · answered by Fab Mrs G 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You seem to be handeling things as well as can be expected.. I am guessing that some of the problem is that she doesn't feel sexy and some is her depression/anxiety. That said, it's really sad she won't go to counseling. Maybe your therapist can give you some tips on how to handle situation? Also, do you compliment your wife? Tell her when she looks nice, sexy or whatever? It's hard being a girl.. positive reinforcement is always nice! :)
2007-08-14 05:47:56 · answer #11 · answered by ♥ JustAChick ♥ 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋