An old one that may have promise, but a bit shabby in the presentation. Comments please?

Question

Also, this may offend, if it does, I apologize, it is not meant to.
This is something I see around me often and it saddens me, and leaves me feeling directionless about my own responsibility as a woman...

Gradually,
they settle into
the narrow path
of normalcy,
trading sharp
eccentricities
for smooth plastic smiles.

Maybe once
they burned bras
and men
with the fire of
equality in their eyes...
maybe once
their dreams,
now run through by
a child’s cry
or the groaning
mattress of mediocre,
routinized, sexless,
copulation,
lived as something
separate from them,
to be followed,
not cropped and manipulated
like vacation photos,
in a box,
under the bed,
waiting
to be forever preserved
between the sticky pages
of an album,
small, frozen
images of an ideal
not representations of reality.

And when the
graceless baggage of years
pulls at their
finer female attributes,
they turn to the Botox dealers
and the Pygmalions of our time,
because this
is what it means to be
free and liberated.

Answer 1

Hello Willow,

I like your message here. A couple thoughts I had (just another point of view, ignore it if it adds nothing):

I wonder if your beginning might be better like this:

Gradually, they settle

I like what that line does within the context of your poem.

You may want to consider removing the Maybes in the poem.

Your sexless copulation lines reminded me of Louise Gluck's poem "Mock Orange". Here's a link if you are unfamiliar with it. http://www.geocities.com/bjlandry_00/Otherwriters/gluckmockorange.html

I loved your vacation photo and photo album images.

My only minor issue was the end.

And when the
graceless baggage of years
pulls at their
finer female attributes,
they turn to the Botox dealers
and the Pygmalions of our time,
because this
is what it means to be
free and liberated.

It felt a little telly to me especially the last 5 lines.

I sometimes feel that my critiques to you are very choppy. I would be happy to elaborate further if it would help. You are a wonderful writer, and this is a solid poem, any nits I see could just be me.

Todd

Answer 2

If this is your work then however you represent it cannot be wrong. I've studied poetry and short stories for YEARS (jr college and University 1993-2003) and I have seen worse than this. I feel you have a fine piece here. The descriptive words give the reader an image--something to hold on to based on what you say. If you feel it's rough around the edges then only you will be satisfied with anything that gets rewritten, but if you add a preliminary introduction to explain yourself, then the reader doesn't have to work so hard to realize the images you present and represent in the words. :) Carry on, my artist friend!

Answer 3

Now THIS is poetry! I didn't agree with all your line breaks, I thought it chopped up some good thoughts unnecessarily, and I thought you could have turned the last few lines into a question: is this what it means to be liberated? or something along those lines...it would avoid the "preachy" quality that Todd mentioned. I could tinker with this for days...always a good sign of a good poem :) You've got a raw eloquence that shows both emotion and intellect...keep writing...you're obviously very good at it.

Answer 4

I think it's great. You've got some excellent images, some concrete details, and a topic I'm sure many women can relate to. I, too, love the ending--ironic, but true.

Answer 5

Nice work. Very well written and thought out. This is the best poem I've read in this forum in a while. Good luck.

Answer 6

I was never arrested for having a bag of grace in my luggage...

This is very good. A little scathing, because its a mirror for us to gaze into.

RB

Answer 7

I love the ending!

Answer 8

This is outstanding! I will keep my eye on you.