My husband sends money to his family and lies about it.?

Question

My husband and I are recently married. He has a longstanding obligation to pay for his 2 younger brother's (v. expensive) college education. He made this commitment when he had a good paying job, which he later lost. Since then, we got married (secretly, with the hopes of having a "real" wedding for our family and friends) and he has begun to recuperate financially. Unfortunately, we are not in the same "financial" position as beforeand although I've been saving money for our wedding, my husband hasn't saved a dime Instead, he's resumed sending money to his family and has lied to me about it. His mother is somewhat manipulative and further complicates the problem by calling to complain about how much she works, her financial woes and seeks advice on how to raise his younger siblings (she left his father many years ago). First, can I get my husband to stop lying to me - finanical infidelity will ruin our marriage; second, how can we get his manipulative mother to leave us alone?

Thanks for your interest, concern, etc.

To explain, I did tell my husband it is entirely OK to send $ to his family - but that I deserve to know about it...how does that make me overbearing and/or selfish (as some of you suggested I am)? I must also mention that this is not the 1st time he's lied about important things (re: his previous divorce when we 1st started dating). I also think his brothers are good kids, but one admittedly turned down pt work because "he didn't feel like it" and had to repeat some classes bc of a drinking problem at school - why do we have to bear the brunt of his bad decisions? Finally, mother-in-law is a nice lady...BUT...she calls my hubby to tell him she doesn't trust in his career decisions (re: he started a business instead of pursuing a 6 figure salary)...which directly affects his ability to contribute to the family (hence her "newfound" concerns). All of this amounts to pressure on him from both ends, which stresses him out.

Answer 1

If it's what he wants to do and it's a prior commitment. Let him do it. If you try and force him to stop you may end up being just as controlling as his family. Don't bring it up and be someone he will be in a hurry to marry "publicly". Try to deal with the family by finding something else to focus on. You control your own destiny. Don't let them feel like you don't.

Answer 2

Make sure what ever you say you can back up. By this I mean if you say that you are going to leave if things don't change (in a certain amount of time, two weeks, one month, ect.) then make sure you will leave if things don't change. If you don't do as you say, in the future he won't pay your words any mind. I had to learn this the hard way, just want to share that with you. I personally would sit him down, talk with him, let him know that this isn't what you thought you married into. Tell him If he can't put you and your marriage first then maybe being with you isn't what he really wants. It is always hard when it comes to family. I know that he loves you or he wouldn't have married you, but now is time for change and if he can't change the way things are going, the two of you either won't have a marriage or your marriage will be one filled with struggle.

Answer 3

I see where he is coming from as it was a prior obligation, but he shouldn't be lying about it. First, I would make sure that you two have separate accounts. If not, open one. It will send a message to him and keep your money safe. As for the lying, you really need to have a sit-down and discuss why he's lying, how you both can compromise (if you're willing to), and how this will affect your relationship. You also need to communicate that as his wife, he needs to convey a message to his family/mother that you are now (or at least will be) one of the most important members of his family and you need to be respected. He needs to set serious boundaries with Mommy Dearest and stop giving advice he has really no right to give. Tell him to refer her to counseling regarding her finances and his younger siblings. He's got his own issues to work out with you. And you need to be firm as well and let him know that this behavior is NOT okay and will have consequences (that you MUST enforce) if the continue..

Answer 4

First, You can get your husband to stop lying about the money he sends to his family if both of you can compromise on the amount he can send to them. He's going to send it no matter what, so you may as well have a say in the amount with respect to your household and retirement budgets. It's noble he wants to help finance their education but it's pretty clear it's interfering with your household budget. Can you both compromise on an amount that won't upset either of you?

Second, you, personally, need to have a discussion with your mother in law, and explain to her that your family will help with what it can but your family is not ENTIRELY responsible for paying for your in-law's education. That's what grants and loans and part-time jobs are for; she can contribute more to her own household by getting a part-time job or going back to school to gain skills that will help her earn more money. And firmly, but diplomatically, tell her to refrain from harrassing your husband (her son) into sending money; your family can only afford so much. Remember: nobody cares about your financial future except you and your husband - don't give in to her "requests". A real emergency would be the exception here.

Lastly, do you truly need a "real" wedding? I know the ceremony is cute and memorable but realistically, US$15,000 on up for a traditional Western wedding is a true waste of money. Go to Las Vegas, have a nice ceremony for a few hundred dollars, blow US$1,000 for fun and conserve the rest for your retirement or another investment. Because if you have "save" for this wedding, then obviously you can't afford it anyway.

Answer 5

You can win major points by making it so he does not feel like he has to lie to you about the money he sends. Help him send it and help him honor his comitment. Obviously his commitment is something he takes very seriously and that is a good sign for you and your future. If he takes a verbal commitment to support his family, you can bet your bottom dollar his commitment to you is just as strong and serious to him. Rather than fight and argue over the money, get together on it, help him send the money and still put some aside for your wedding (which is important to you), it may just take a little longer. If he feels you support him on the support for his family, he will not feel he needs to hide it from you and everything will get better. I am willing to bet that he hides it because he does not want to get the grief from you for sending it. If you look at the causes and get rid of them, you will see that the results will change.

As far as the mother, don't try and come between him and his mom, that is a train wreck that will come pretty quick. Rather, call her up and ask her how she is doing, ask about the kids and get her talking to you about that stuff. Then you have a lot more influence on how things work out. If she vents to you (and that is what she sounds like she is doing) she will not have as much a need to vent to him and play on his emotional connection to his mother. It is your marriage, don't just try to law down the law, see if you can not become his biggest supporter and you will gain your biggest fan and supporter in return.

Answer 6

You made a mistake by marrying a man expecting him to change. He has a "longstanding" obligation, and you apparently entered your marriage fully aware of this obligation. If you married a man with a huge credit card debt, would you expect MasterCard to zero out his balance just because you got married?

As to his relationshi with his mother, she is who she always has been and always will be. Meanwhile, you are putting pressure on your husband to make changes in these relationships, changes he is not willing to make.

The most common reason for lying is to avoid confrontation. Therefore, if you remove the possibility of confrontation, you will vastly reduce the chances he will lie. So, you're going to have to stop trying to change him. In other words, you're going to have to tell him it's OK to send money to his family, you just want to know about it.

As to your second question, you use the term "manipulative" to describe his mother, but nowhere do you state any manipulative thing she does. Complaining and seeking advice do not constitute manipulation!

Perhaps you are implying that your MIL pressures your husband to fulfill his financial obligation to his brothers. If so, this goes back to him. He obligated himself. You married him anyway. So suck it up.

Answer 7

Sit your husband down and talk to him. Let him know that if he wants to you can save half the money for his brothers' and half for the wedding. You need to make a compromise here. This is his family and it's unwise to make him choose between you and those obligations. Even if they're one's he made for himself at a more convenient time.

You can wait to get married. You've already waited long enough as it is, right? But remember while you're discussing all this w/ him to mention his mother and let him know how you see her (in a gentle way). That you feel she's putting too much weight on his shoulders and that you both have lives and responsibilities as well.

Answer 8

Come to an understanding -

-he wants to help his brothers. (And therefore, his mother). That's good. Decide how much is fair, after all, they're family. I would say half of his money after expenses for them, half for you two. But, pay all your bills FIRST.

- get a joint account where BOTH of you have to sign to take out the money. Make that the "big wedding" account. You both put in your share every month. Whatever he has left, he can send to the bros.

He hid his financial shenanigans because he thought you would get mad. (You did, didn't you?). Better to discuss. You can't expect him to drop his family for you. There are worse things to spend the money on, than education.

Besides, be aware that even if you are not forcing him, he may see you as trying to make him choose between his family and you. He may choose you, but it may hurt him for the rest of his life.

Are the brothers expecting to do something (even a token payback?) once they grauate and get good jobs? Are they taking their education seriously? Are they working part time to get themselves through? Is it a worthwhile education, or just a "liberal arts" degree to satisfy mamma? It's one thing to help, it's another to be taken for a sucker.

You should sit down together and discuss all this, without getting you mad or him getting defensive; and you have to recognize that he wants to and should help his family, but not so much that it hurts you.

Answer 9

The man made a commitment to his brothers. As a man, he feels obligated to honor his word, whether he's married to you or not. This is something you wouldn't understand, because you come from one of those noncaring families, where everybody hoards things for themselves. Nobody in your family would ever help anybody else. You even despise his mother, because she has a closeness with her son. No doubt, you never had a decent relationship with anyone in your family. Your husband feels he has to lie to you about it, because you don't get it. You're a selfish, jealous woman and he will never be happy with you.

Answer 10

He made this obligation before you were married and now you have to deal with it. As far as his mother goes, if you have already told both him and her, than that's it. It may change, it may not. For better or worse, deal with it. With him lying about it, you need to ask him and yourself why he's doing that. What is going to where he feels like he needs to lie to you? His obligations, and his mother don't just go away because your married and you don't like it.