My husband & I are miserable. He will not go to counseling (we have in the past), he has stopped talking to me, has stopped having sex with me, & told me he is doing this as his way of coping with our "bad marriage." We have been together 5 years, & have been through a lot of cheating, abuse, & substance use on his part. He has stopped those things (abuse over one year, substance & cheating about two months). We recently moved to another state & we are both adjusting. I know he is struggling because he is "tempted" to do the wrong thing, but in his heart he truly does not want to go back to those wrong things. He will not seek counseling or help. We do not believe in divorce so please don't suggest that. What can I do? He & I both are greatly miserable. Other facts: We have one child & I am 6 months pregnant, he is 23, I am 31, he makes about 1/4 of what I do at my job and he has no regard for money. I am very angry because he literally spent our last $ at a strip club.
2007-08-14 02:30:01 · 15 answers · asked by allie s 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
And divorce is not an option, but raising your children around a drug addicting, cheater who hangs out at strip clubs is. Okay, well congratulations on putting your childrens' best interest at heart. Way to go by having more kids with him. Looks like he is having some sex with you or you wouldn't be pregnant. Get on birth control!!!
Your poor children. You should leave him and move in with your parents. Don't date cause you are terrible at picking men. Work and raise your kids. Let him go off and be addicted. Your kids see his problems and by you staying your are basically saying "it's okay to behave like daddy does" Can you say Juvenile delinquent???
2007-08-14 02:38:28 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sit back and think, why has he stopped talking to you. Why did he start being abusive? Did you hear anything, through the counseling you did have, that gives you a clue? Are you paiying more attention to the child than to him. Is he jealous of your relationship with the child? Is he still engaged in substance abuse and you don't know it?
Get a checking account in your maiden name and allow him to have no access to it. Put away part of your check every payday into this account. This way, he will not bankrupt the family. Then, ignore him. Carry on with your life as if he were not there. That shouldn't be too hard to do since he won't talk to you and stopped having sex with you. The silent treatment is a terrible thing to do to anyone. So, give it back. Make no moves or sexual inuendos. It is a very stressful situation and made even more so since you are pregnant. If you have spare room, have seperate bedrooms.
You do not believe in divorce but that does not mean you can't have a temporary seperation. Maybe telling him that you want him to move out or you want to take the child and move out - on a temporary basis - so you and he can get your heads straight. They say 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder' - maybe just not having you and the child around being there for him, doing for him, and just knowing you are there (even if miserable) will help him.
2007-08-14 03:34:34 · answer #2 · answered by Judy F 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, you had sex 6 months ago. I've been in your situation---raised Roman Catholic, no one ever divorced. I kept giving second chances. Same thing--substance abuse, mental abuse, physical abuse, & then the cheating---that put me over the edge & I kicked him out & got a lawyer (that I'm still paying for). After 10 years of hell I divorced him. I should've divorced him years earlier when the kids were smaller. I also got pregnant while he was getting high & threatening me. I tried anything to save the marriage. IT DOESN"T WORK! No more manipulating. The sense of freedom is sweeter than any candy, let me tell you! You're 31?? He's a young kid! Move on! I bet you're a beautiful girl yourself, and could find a loving man for your own. It took me years to date again, but I did, & met a man the opposite of my ex--kind, committed, helpful, & straight! Make your children safe & happy--get them away from him! In the long run, they will be grateful. But be safe, & outsmart him! Best wishes!
2007-08-14 02:53:22 · answer #3 · answered by loulouthefirst39 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, I would say to get out. I know you say divorce is not an option, but in reality, it is. You don't deserve to be treated like that, and neither do your kids. You need to think about you and those kids and not about making a toxic relationship work. Someone that cheats on you and will abuse you is nobody to associate yourself or your children around, and since he's so unconcerned about finances it shows a lack of respect for you and your family. He's a selfish person and you need to get out and take care of you and those babies! It is not their fault they were born into this situation, and now you need to correct it! Good luck :)
2007-08-14 02:58:48 · answer #4 · answered by FirefighterWife 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know a lot of the answers you are receiving are probably hurting you a great deal. I understand you not wanting to get a divorce. There are still people is this world who took there vows seriously. I am going through a similar situation and have decided to just live my own life. I get home from work spend the evening with my children, and on weekends my children and I do are own things.
Someone from yahoo answers actually told me to try my hardest so if it failed I know he is the one that dropped the ball. That phrase hit home with me. My husband does the whole strip club thing occassionally, but will not give me the time of day. Maybe our husbands are brothers, they sound really similar.
Keep your head held high, and just take care of your children, put them first, try to forget about your husband for right now. You are spending so much time and energy worrying about him that no one is worried about you. Put yourself before him, because if you don't you will soon lose who you really are.
Keep strong, and know that you are stronger than he is
2007-08-14 03:31:14 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You say he doesn't want a divorce and doesn't want to be miserable but he won't talk to your or have sex with you. That sounds like he's not trying to make the marriage work. The only way for this marriage to work is for you both to act like a married couple. You need to talk to each other, preferably without arguing, and you need to have sex. I understand that you do not believe in divorce but, Biblically speaking, divorce is ok if there is marital unfaithfulness. You say he has cheated on you so you have Biblical grounds to divorce him. (Matthew 5:32) I think you need to talk to him and ask him if he really wants to work things out because he it doesn't sound like he's trying very hard.
2007-08-14 02:43:30 · answer #6 · answered by angela 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
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2016-05-18 06:03:11 · answer #7 · answered by Lynn 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds as if you enjoy the abuse the addiction and the whole wonderful side of your husband! If he is cheating that is defiantly grounds for divorce... Are you even thinking of those kids that you have? He won't go to counseling and you don't believe in divorce, well, just stay there and be miserable why even ask for advice?
2007-08-14 02:45:47 · answer #8 · answered by sweetemtation_123 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
What's wrong with you?? You have some serious issues. Why would you put up with this?? Nice example you are setting for the kids..... Don't want to divorce??? Then have fun having a miserable life. He's not having sex with you, so he's with someone else then. Guys don't go without!!!! Good luck!
2007-08-14 03:09:36 · answer #9 · answered by ~Kim~ 6 · 2⤊ 1⤋
it's unfortunate that divorce is not an option, because he won't change. He has issues.....To say you don't believe in divorce is great for him, because he can do anything he wants and he still has wifey to come home to, he still gets sex, and he still get s a wife he knows won't leave him. What are you getting? A leaching absent husband and father who has only proven his trustworthiness for 2 months(except he still goes to strip clubs) ? You get whatever disease he decides to bring home to you? You get to be alone when you need your man around you? You get to pay for his drug habit? Well, I, for one, would totally consider dumping his worthless a s s! but you won't so......Offer to let him pick the counselor. Im not super religious but this guy sounds like he could benefit from some kind of religion or something. He also should be in Narcanon so that you can be sure he's staying clean and not leaving drugs out for your soon-to-be newborn baby to consume....Don't commit so deeply to a bad relationship that one day, after he leaves you, you wonder what youre going to do, I'm certainly not one to condone divorce, but when things are so deeply flawed and it sounds like he doesn't even care, someone has to....and you should care about you, he isn't looking out for you like a good husband does, he's looking out for him, so that means you need to look out for you and your babies.....good luck.....
2007-08-14 02:47:10 · answer #10 · answered by suitablepenname 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋