Ex wife wanted to call the police on my husband!?

Question

My husband has 3 kids from previous marriage - 10, 11 and 15. My husband never spanked them before, but the kids' mother did numerous times. The girls are very, very spoiled and ignore our requests, do not do chores, talk back, raise their voice, etc. They demand that we buy them clothes and complain when the clothes are not from Limited Too or other expensive store. My husband's ex , like i said spanked the oldest daughter when she was 10, 11, 12 etc. Now she says that my husband is not allowed to spank his 10 and 11 year old , because they are to old. Well, then why did she spank her oldest daughter when she was that age? 2 months ago my husband told his kids that since they never listen to us and treat us like slaves ( they never ever help!) he is going to start spanking them. I do not know if he was serious. The kids told their mother and she told my husband that she was going to call the police on him. She told him to not ever "touch her kids again". But she spanked her daughter!!

We are in Pennsylvania and we do not really want to spank the kids, but taking stuff away from the doesn't work, their mother buys them whatever they lose bacause of bad behaviour.

We got married 2 years after they got divorced, I was not the reason for their divorce. She cheated on him with his best friend.

Santiago R, I am not mad at the girls and I wouldn't spank them, I do not want to get involved at all. Those kids are their parents' responsibility and I really do not care if the get spanked or not. I just think it is unfair to threaten my husbands. She hits the kids with an object and now she says it is abusive?

Answer 1

It's not against the law to threaten to punish your kids. Especially when they are rude, obnoxious, and don't lift a finger to help. I personally spanked all 6 of my children, but only once or twice. After that, all I had to do was threaten discipline, and they would toe the line. My children are all grown, and successful, and respectful. These spankings occured when they were much younger than 10, and will not work with an older child. At this point, the only way a 10 or older child will respond positively is if you threaten to take possessions if they don't toe the line. Not just any possession, but the one they like the most. And FOLLOW THRU with the threat. Don't back down. Sell or give away the confiscated item so there is no possibility to get it back. Go for the next cherished item when they rebel. They must understand that actions, or inactions come with penalties. After all, You are still the parent, or at least an authority figure. Demand respect, and let them suffer the consequences when they don't.

Answer 2

Children at that age are past the spanking age. On top of that, whether the ex did it or not does not give you or your husband the "right" to spank the children. Spanking is no longer considered an appropriate punishment and you could actually get in trouble for spanking them, so my advice; don't spank the kids.

Instead, you need to find a way to help these three understand that their behavior has consequences that they won't like. Grounding, removal of TV or computer privileges, curfews, no shopping for what they want, etc.

Better yet, you need to sit and talk with them, preferably individually, and then as you learn what's going through their minds, help them to understand that their behavior isn't acceptable, not only to you but as the young adults that they're becoming.

These girls need a role model and a good example, and it sounds like the ex isn't providing it. You have the opportunity and should seize it. I know it won't be easy, but it can be done, and if it seems too much for you and your husband, get some professional help. You'll be doing yourselves and the girls a big favor.

Good luck.

Answer 3

This sounds so typically sad of divorced families with kids.
How often do you have the kids?
Are you married to the kid's father or a girlfriend?
Do you sit the kids down and try to explain finances? Nothing like what the mortgage is but some plain talk of why you can't buy expensive clothes. Try Platos for clothes..in Ohio it is a store to buy second hand gently used name brand teen clothes.
I think it is not right to spank older children..you should be able to talk and reason at that age. I did spank bottoms of the toddler age when danger was a problem..as in running into traffic.
Are you being fair to your husband or boyfriend? Or do you have the kids when he works and then have a ***** session when he comes home and the kids have gotten to you? He then gets angry with the kids to pacify you? I personally feel sorry for all parties involved. The kids want undidvided attention and you want your private time and lastly mom may be with some jealousy issues herself. When my sister divorced years ago it was alful how they used the last kid at home as a bartering tool.
I hope you can work it out without calling the police over such an issue.

Answer 4

Let me see if I got your question right. You wonder why your husband may not spank his own children, even if their mother has done so repeatedly, and probably continues to do so, correct?

In fact, I can tell that you are so mad at the girls that you want them spanked! I bet you would love to spank them yourself (with a crowbar, perhaps, full swing), right?

In reality, they are too grown for spanking. You must discuss this matter with your husband and agree upon other measures of discipline. If your husband had never spanked them before, why do it now? This is a serious problem that can ruin your marriage. Treat it with seriousness. You both must sit down, and think, and plan, and be in agreement, as a unified front. Take privileges away, make them feel ridiculous and stupid about their attitude.

What's seems to be going on there is that your husband's ex wife has managed to keep a war going on with him, and has successfully turned their children into her weapons. I can see her anger and ill will cascading out of her mind, and flooding your living room, by means of the children. He must become aware of that, so as to put an end to it at once. Believe me, the kids are really not the problem. It is their mother who holds the string.

Besides, if you ever become aware of the kids' mother abusing them again, maybe you should call the police on her.

Answer 5

Sounds like the ex is trying to rattle a few cages. But instead of threatening the kids with spankings and giving into their demands stop the nonsense. They kids don't treat you like slaves - you allow it.
They are in your home and when they are their you demand they follow your rules. They are old enough that taking away everything they hold dear in the world will get their attention in a more meaningful way. No computer, no cell phones (when in your home), no video games, movies etc.
They can earn time on each of these devices by helping out you and their Dad. Family members should all help out in the running of the household. They all live in it after all.
Show them how you'd like the chores done, how you would like to see the bathroom room cleaned, or the living room vacuumed etc. Then everyone is clear on what is expected of them.
Moaning and groaning never killed anyone and you will hear a lot of that. If you really stick to your guns, and that includes you husband you will see changes. Do stuff with them to occupy their time away from their gadgets. Not shopping in expensive stores though! Go to a wave pool, or bowling...
It is obvious the children have the ex wrapped around their little finger and believes probably a very exaggerated version of what your husband said. Speak with your hubby and ask him to back down on that one. Who needs more stress in their life and you might be inviting that.
It sounds like the ex may be a little angry and some people will look for anything to stir up trouble. It does not matter if she is being hypocritical, I'll bet she'd swear up and down she never hit any of her children. Some people are just like that.
The kids too sound like they are playing divide and conquer. Setting their Dad up with their Mom and vice versa, you of course are caught in the middle. Don't let them run their little game on you.
If the mother complains when you take away some of their stuff while they are at your home. Politely request then that she see to it that they do not bring it to your home. Just in case the children complain to her if they have new rules at your house, ha, ha.
Good Luck.

Answer 6

Two things.

1. Spanking doesn't really work anyway, so you're probably better off. You'll be wasting your time and humiliating them, which is NOT going to make them act better. Don't give in to the children and be firm, and they'll learn that being spoiled and whining won't get them anywhere. When they behave, and only if they behave, then you can maybe do something nice for them. Otherwise, they don't get anything special and they don't get to go out and have fun. I don't know a child over 9 that spanking will hurt more than not getting something they really want or not being allowed to go out and have some fun. It takes time, patience, consistency, and team work between you and your spouse, but it works every time if you do it and stick to it.

2. If she is going to report you guys to the police for spanking the kids, then why don't YOU report HER for the same thing? Well, truth is that you don't really want to do that. Spanking is not against the law, provided you are not hitting them in the head or leaving marks or using a whip or stick or something. If she calls the police, all you'd have to do is tell them what you just told us here, and odds are SHE'D be the one that gets in trouble for wasting their time. If you are not positive, call the cops now and ask them about it, but unless you guys are beating those kids, the only one that is going to look stupid if the cops get called is HER.

Answer 7

There's a reason that she's the "ex". Why keep dwelling on the fact that she spanked and now doesn't want her ex to spank? She's just trying to aggravate your husband and cause friction in your household. Just ignore her.

BTW - spanking will NOT change your stepdaugthers' attitudes. Stop giving in to their demands, for one thing. Take away privileges if they won't help around the house - no TV, no phone, no computer, etc. You're the parents, start behaving like it. Let them know that better behavior is expected of them when they are at your home. It will take time to "undo" their mother's spoiling, but don't give up. They need to know that you mean business.

Answer 8

I wouldn't bother spanking them, it won't do any good in any case. And it could get your husband in a world of trouble. Child welfare departments typically over-react to allegations of child abuse even if there is no evidence to support the claims. Eventually your husband would be proven innocent most likely but it would be a long drawn out affair. I'd suggest you do something more like withholding privileges when they misbehave. Set up some basic rules and be extremely strict about them. The kids are just testing you to see what they can get away with. If you can afford the clothes they want that's fine, if you can't then either buy what you can afford, or don't buy them anything at all. I'd guess that their mother has done her best to poison the children against both your husband and you, so you've got a very long road to go if you want to continue seeing them. A book I'm reading is helping us with one of our kids and I'd highly recommend it. "Transforming The Difficult Child" by Howard Glasser and Jennifer Easley.

Answer 9

First of all since you are the step parent you should do just that and "step" back and let your husband and his ex hash this out. You are only there for support for him and his children and it sounds like you do little "supporting" when you are calling them spoiled and complaining about them. You are an adult and should act like one around them at all times. As the old saying goes, "You catch more flies with honey.."
Your husband should discuss the "spanking" issue with his ex in a reasonable and calm manner although hard to do I know. If she says no spanking then I suggest he doesn't do it otherwise he'll end up in jail because she is being spiteful. Just be there for them all but step back and let them sort it out, in the long run you will have less stress and the children will see that you are the only sane one in the bunch and they really need someone like that in their life right now. Not to mention that if they start talking about you in a good way in front of the ex it will drive her crazy, heehee!

Good luck & stay strong!

Answer 10

just because she spanked her daughter before doesn't mean she still believes in it. People change their minds all the time. When you're a first time parent you make all kinds of mistakes, then you promise not to repeat them when you have more children. Maybe she doesn't believe in spanking anymore. That being said, your husband has the right to discipline his own children in his own home however he sees fit. It's common for children from divorced parents to have two sets of rules to follow that may be totally different from one another. One set of rules for mom's house, one set of rules for dad's house. Nothing wrong with that. If your husband wants to spank the kids in his own house then she has nothing to do with it. She can't call the police, what's she going to say, he spanked my kid? He can tell them they are his kids too and he gave them a warning and they still didn't stop the behavior, so he spanked them. As long as he doesn't beat them half to death or leave marks, he should be ok. However, be prepared for a fight with the ex. When it comes time to pick up the kids she may not readily hand them over to him. I suggest getting a lawyer that specializes in family law, and get the rules out on paper, backed up by the court. Then if she refused to let the kids go with him, SHE would be the one in trouble with the police.