The Inevitable
Furtively, he lurks, somewhere beyond,
With a wand and a cape full of secrets.
Like a beast in the night
He stays out of sight
And he whispers of visions unseen.
A master key he holds,
To open all our doors.
But we are his toys
And he holds our very lives
In his cold-blooded fist.
He has no form,
Has known our fate since the day we were born.
Yes, he is the future,
And whatever the future holds
Only unfolds when he becomes present.
But we cannot grasp the present.
He slides so fast into the past.
But ominously, there the future stands
And everything, yes, everything
Belongs to him.
Carol Hammond
Copyright ©2007 Carol Hammond
2007-08-13 23:33:56 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
Okay...everyone has told you how good it was...so let me offer suggestions on how to make it better.
When you use terms like "furtively" and "lurks", you suggest that the future is afraid...yet if everything belongs to him...he's hardly be "afraid". I can almost see what you're trying to say...and those two words don't capture it. If you'd said he was "caught in the shadows of what lies beyond"...okay, because that implies that the future doesn't "want" to be dark, it just is. Next is the "wand and cape" description...is he Harry Potter or the Future? I'm not being mean, I'm asking you to be careful in how you describe the indescribable. The minute you put clothes on a beast, the beast becomes human, and when you describe those clothes, you've collapsed all the possibilities into a singular reality...often less dramatic than the one imagined by your reader. You say he was like a beast in the night...then why not use images that hint at the beast? These are the things to consider when you write...and how you can best edit this poem. Keep your image constant, reinforce it, and it will result in a more inspired poem.
keep writing..you have potential
2007-08-14 18:56:07 · answer #1 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
its a good poem i like it the only thing that bothered me was these two lines:
Only unfolds when he becomes present.
But we cannot grasp the present
it doesnt work for me i think this would work though:
Only unfolds in his presents
it slips from our minds as the time flys
2007-08-14 02:04:58 · answer #2 · answered by smart person 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It sure sounds that your character is of so much power that no one dares to stop or mock him. He's got so much influence that he can already control the lives of others. Is your subject connected with Fate or Time? It's a nice poem.
2007-08-13 23:45:17 · answer #3 · answered by Monzi 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Its terrific! very well written. it stays on a clear path and gets the point across well and in an organized way, which keeps the readers' attention. Your writing creates a picture, a second form of media, by which to convey your message. very intelligent!
2007-08-13 23:45:47 · answer #4 · answered by e.kess 3 · 3⤊ 1⤋
it's ok. the words are good, but the topic kinda sucks, what like father time. i like poems about people's emotions or about different seasons....reading a poem about time is like reading a book about tires.... no matter how well it is written, it's gonna be hard to be captivated.
2007-08-13 23:43:27 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
But he moves about like the way that you say that he does then we can stop this person.
Otherwise I think it's o.k. I guess cause I'm not really into this story and I'm sorry about that.
2007-08-14 04:54:59 · answer #6 · answered by Anthony M 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
It is brilliant for the topic you choose.
2007-08-14 04:28:18 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hi love you sent shivers down my spine well done!
2007-08-14 00:19:28 · answer #8 · answered by WTamSP 7 · 3⤊ 1⤋
love the imagery. brilliant!
2007-08-13 23:46:14 · answer #9 · answered by barney c 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Very good! xx
2007-08-13 23:41:24 · answer #10 · answered by Jessica 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋