what do u think of my poems?(iam 13 and my family likes them)?

Question

here is my first one (please dont copy this)

Go down of the wall of darkness and find yourself.You'll may find yourself in Heaven or maybe hell. For this may come to pass in sentories.But, you can change

Change your life find yourself and we one that love you. And you will become FREE.



i hope u like it

Answer 1

It's allright it should be better though.

You'll may find yourself in Heaven or maybe hell.

This line gets to me because you have You will may find yourself in Heaven or maybe hell.

You wil may just doen't make much sense to me. At the same time it seems to screw up the rythem that you kind had going for this sort peace.

Another problem that I have with it is the capatializtion of Heaven and not of hell.

Finally I know it's not part of your poem but the letter i at the end. Are you not that important to yourself that you would not capatilize the letter i for youself.

Answer 2

Okay, you're 13, so you're old enough to know there isn't a Santa Claus...so I guess you're old enough to know that just because your family or friends say they like what you write, they may be speaking out of love and not expertise...right?

However! the fact that a 13 year-old has a desire to write poetry is a wonderful thing! all you have to do now is practice. The best way to learn how to write poetry is by reading poetry...lots and lots and lots of poetry. Here are a few comments directly about your poem...they are meant to help you, not hurt you...EVERY beginning poet goes through this, so listen carefully...that way you will learn from your mistakes and get better every time you write another poem, okay? okay.

Your first lines says, "go down the wall of darkness and find yourself." okay...a little circular in its logic, but let's let it ride for now. You then say, "you may find yourself..." whoa! you just said "find yourself", now you're "repeating yourself". why repeat? why not just say, "go down the wall of darkness, perhaps you'll find yourself in Heaven or Hell"? Your next line, "for this may come to pass in...." sentories? I think you meant "centuries", right? "but you can change".
Okay, let's think about this a minute...if you're alive you'll probably die in 70 years or so...when you die, you'll be in heaven or hell "right away"...so "centuries" have nothing to do with it. "change your life find yourself and we one that love you"...what does that mean? "we one that love you"? then, "and you will become free"? free from what? you just said you'll be in heaven or hell...once you are there, you're there...there is no "freedom".

Look, you started out with a good line about a wall of darkness...good metaphor...then you completely lost it. I understand the intended concept of your poem, and it's a noble one. You're saying that if you change your life you will find your true self and hopefully set your soul free so it can go to heaven instead of hell...am I right? If that indeed is your true message, you need to say that better, or at least more clearly.

This was a very good try at poetry, please don't give up. Read more, write more, listen to what others say, consider what they say, and enjoy the praise you get from friends and family...sometimes they're all that keep us going...and keep writing

Answer 3

poems come from your feelings and its best to describe the major feeling in the poem but dont dwell on it for too long then the poem gets too descriptive show the feeling but in short intervals but all in all your poems good not a big fan of religion though so it doesnt appeal to me personally but read my advice and i hope it helps :)

Answer 4

same one as other one??