can u help me rectify the poem?

Question

few days back i had asked for people suggestion on this poem
http://5petals.blogspot.com/2007/08/life-less-of-life-lead-to-loose-life.html

and they have found many mistakes although they didn't rectify much
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Aiecfgx15zLAvKGUlWqal5zsy6IX?qid=20070811040102AAmG4PI

please help me rectify it. take a paragraph of your taste and suggest me.

Answer 1

i have only one comment and that is to write what you know... ive struggled been there and i think its apparent that you couldnt possibly understand the situation... if im wrong and you have been there im sorry and i kno what it is... either way learn to write from your heart not your mind and a poem will never have any flaws

Answer 2

Well, for starters, having someone visit your blog to look at a poem is a little frustrating...and makes it difficult to comment one what you can't see unless you print out. Next time try posting the poem in here instead.

That being said, I took a look and what I've decided is that this "poem" is actually "prose"...not poetry...so it can't be "rectified" as a poem. If you want poetry, you need to "show", not tell...you did nothing but tell a story that could just as easily have been typed into a regular paragraph...where is the metaphor? the simile? any poetic device? nada, nothing...zilch.

So, how do you fix it? you fix it by taking what you have and reduce it to images instead of statements...and you might think about shortening it up so it's around 16-20 lines tops...I read your entire story and what it said could easily be condensed...so start condensing.

good luck...and keep writing