I need help. I need to know if I should stay or leave. Please, I am so sad, but cant make up my mind.?

Question

My husband, as much as I love him, I hate him too. I think he may have 2 personalities, (mental illness runs in his family) so I am torn, i dont know if i should stay with him because he needs me or if I should leave so I can be happy. He has made it clear that I am not what he desires, he loves me, (in his own way) but doesnt desire me, and he consistanly makes me feel like s***. He loves to call me names and tell me that I am not being a quote "good wife", when i do everything in my power to be the world for him and do everything for him. Im dead inside, I dont want to live anymore, atleast not like this, but i dont want to hurt him. This is just the tip of the ice burg, but, it gives all of you an idea of what is wrong. My friends are divided on this subject, the women think I need to weight the pros and cons, but there are too many that out wieght the others from both sides to make it work. They guys,say leave him. Im also scared, I want 2 b loved & afraid Im not worthy

I have tried to get him to go to counceling and he wont have it. He doesnt even think it is nessasary for me to go for my depression.

Hes also cheated on me and told me it is what men do. They were made to have more then one wife throwing the bible in my face. Youd think he were a Principle Morman.

BTW no kids.

Answer 1

He's beat you down with his negative words. I know you don't want to hurt him, you have a co-dependent relationship now that he's beat the life out of you verbally. However, you need to get out now and do something positive to bring your spirit back.

Everyone is worthy of love and you are no exception. You can find someone who will treat you right, really, you can. Spend a lot of time with your friends and get yourself back on your feet. There is a whole wonderful world waiting for YOU!

Get out there and LIVE... good luck!

Answer 2

Your answer lies in your own writing. If you were to look at that letter from a friend how would you answer? If you are not what he desires, cheating is what men do, and he makes you feel that way, plus he calls you names, why would you want to stay? You don't want to hurt him? What about you? Are you not being hurt? Are you not worth living a good life? Do you know that men who start name calling eventually become physically abusive. Apparently, he does not care about you, nor does he respect you. Thank God there are no children involved. What is the reason you want to stay? Financially? That will change, over time you will get less from him, then he will talk about your friends, then comes the guilt and eventually he will control your every move, want to know where you are going, have been and with whom, etc. Don't wait until he has taken all of life out of you. If it's money you are worried about then get some help from your family. You want to be loved? Well, leaving him means to be without love for awhile, staying with him means to be without love forever. At least if you leave him you will have a chance.

Answer 3

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this and I'm also sorry that you are letting it be the result of a man. Im no lesbian or bra burning woman but this man is horrible. He doesnt need you he needs help. Its beyond anything you can do for him and if he doesnt want to get help now he will eventually when he loses everything that he has ever known. He's not being a man he's being a beast. You are so worthy of love and since you give so much you should get it back. You really should leave and you know that in your heart. Don't let yourself go through this anymore. I wish I could give you some of my strength because this situation makes me feel so helpless. I wish there was something more I could do. Please help yourself!!

Answer 4

If your still not sure about staying or leaving. Definitely go for counseling. Counseling is not a bad thing to do and doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. Counseling will help you regain your self worth and self respect.

Optimistically, he may even join you in your sessions down the road. At this point it sounds as if respect of you is the last thing he will ever give.

I can understand not wanting to live in the situation you are in any longer. You shouldn't continue the way you are and should be able to enjoy your life. So stop procrastinating and enjoy your life. This is a goal that is within your reach, just go for it.

Answer 5

My dad told me when I was going through a rough time to make a list and be completely honest with myself while doing so on One side list all the reason's for staying on the Other side all the reasons for leaving. When that list is done see which side has more. Personally Mine was leaving so he said okay now stand up and do it don't look back and that's what I did I'm so glad to because I was in a miserable relationship with a man that was an alcoholic when he wasn't drinking he was sweet and loving but that list showed me that the con's out wayed the pros's Good Luck.

Answer 6

There is never a reason or an excuse valid enough to ever think you can abuse anyone. Abuse is never okay from anyone. You can ask 1 more time for your spouse to please seek counseling with you. But also be prepared when the answear is no! It means he isnt ready for change. I'm sure we have all heard the saying ( misery loves company?) After he has given you his answear about counseling the rest is entirely up to you. Life is really simple We make it harder than it has to be with expectations -- what i mean by that is I am sure he didnt become like this over night and like we all hope from others you maybe thought or (EXPECTED) that he would change? You must do what is in your best interest.This is the best advise i can give you without telling you what to do....The choices you make are the ones YOU have to live with for the rest of your life...good luck

Answer 7

RIGHT OFF THE BAT YOU DON'T SOUND HAPPY IN THIS AT ALL. THAT SHOULD TELL YOU SOMETHING. BUT, BEING MARRIED I KNOW HOW HARD THIS DECISION CAN BE. MY HUSBAND HAS MADE VERY POOR CHOICES IN THE PAST AND HURT ME BEYOND WHAT I THINK CAN EVER BE FIXED. MY ADVICE WOULD BE TO DO WHAT MY MOM ALWAYS TOLD ME TO DO.
GET A PAPER. ON THE LEFT SIDE WRITE AT THE TOP : REASONS I SHOULD STAY. ON THE RIGHT, REASONS I SHOULD LEAVE. YOU CAN'T ARGUE WITH NUMBERS. IF THERE ARE MORE REASONS YOU SHOULD BE APART THAN THATS WHERE YOU SHOULD BE. AND LET ME JUST TELL YOU A QUICK STORY. I HAVE A SISTER IN A MARRIAGE THAT SHE IS NOT HAPPY IN. HE HAS LIED AND CHEATED TOO MANY TIMES. I LOOK AT HER AND FEEL SO SORRY FOR HER. SHE STAYS DUE TO KIDS, FEAR AND INSECURITY. THE LOVE IN HER HEART IS THERE BUT IT TEARS HER APART TO LOVE SOMEONE SO ABUSIVE. I HATE SEEING HER THIS WAY BUT CAN'T CHANGE HER MIND. DON'T END UP THE SAME WAY. THE DAMAGE HE CONTINUES TO DO TO HER IS GETTING TO THE POINT OF DOING IREVERSIBLE DAMAGE TO HER SOUL AND SHE IS TURNING INTO A COMPLETETLY DIFFERENT PERSON. IN THE END YOU NEED TO CONSIDER YOURSELF WHEN MAKING THIS DECISION ABOVE ALL ELSE. GOOD LUCK!

Answer 8

You are putting up with abuse and although you don't want to hurt him it is giving him chance all the time to keep on hurting you. You will not be able to cope with this it will take it's toll on you.

Love is tough, take some time out for yourself. If you don't change the situation he will continue to hurt you. It is guilt you are feeling about his mental condition. Just because you have a mental illness doesn't mean you don't know what you are doing. I know this because I have mental health problems. You can still make the right choice.

Choose to look after yourself for a while, I'm not saying part for ever but he cannot continue to abuse you like this, for it is abuse that you are suffering.

Here is a forum for abused people, both men and women. Take a look and ask for some support. I hope it helps. I've been where you have been and the guy nearly killed me, it isn't love what he is doing to you it is power over you.

Look after yourself. e-mail if you want to.

Answer 9

Okay your husband is unhappy and wants to spread the unhappiness to you. So far goal accomplished. This may sound crazy but DO NOT LEAVE HIM. FALL in love with YOURSELF. Take your self out, shopping, give yourself a makeover and do what you like to do. You need to focus on loving any and every thing about you. So what if he or anybody calls you selfish WOMAN YOU ARE WORTH IT. It you have great qualities and a good heart that is lovable. Never, ever, evea let nobody tell you anything that breaks you spirit. You are love because you love yourself. Understand your husband has power over you because you let him. You are about sick and tired of him and his ways. But you ain't seen nothing yet as you try to get yourself right mentally, physically, and emotionally he is going to do every thing in his power to keep in the shape you in now. DO NOT LET HIM HAVE THE SATISFACTION OF BREAKING YOU DOWN. Once you get yourself together and loving you for who you are you will be able to make a better decision. At that very point in your life you will be at peace with whatever you decided to do. I wish you all the love, peace and happiness in the world.

Answer 10

There are a few of you who have no understanding of this woman's dilemmia. Why are you commenting on it and saying "Till Death Do You Part". Are you out of your minds.
This woman is telling you this man is systematically depleting her of her own personality, stripping her of her self respect and self esteem. He has taken a very beautiful moment in this womans life and stredded it, making it dirty and worthless just as he is treating her love. She is telling you she doesn't want to live anymore and you tell her "Till Death do you part". For God's sake .. just put a pill bottle or knife in her hand.

Honey...there are no pro's here. You are so beaten down you have become co-dependent. I bet when people ask how you feel you say "We are fine". Everything has become ingrained in him. Everyone deserves to know they are desired, loved and appreciated and if your husband is so ignorant that he believes you will put up with this... he needs a lesson in life. Unfortunately for your marriage it will be a permanent one. People who are mentally abusive are just a moment short of physical abuse... You will not get out of this without your own problems hon. Leave and seek counseling. There are co- dependency groups all over.

Here's a new thought for you. Why don't you want to hurt him? How many years has he been systematically destroying you and hurting you. Dont worry about it. More than likely he will only feel it until he finds someone else to abuse. Dont feel sorry for him...feel sorry for the next unsuspecting woman.

Answer 11

This is way beyond what counseling can do. He is bad for you. This is a toxic relationship, and it is poisoning YOU!

Are you able to support yourself, or do you have family that you can stay with until you get on your feet financially? If so, then LEAVE HIM!! Everyone deserves to be loved. He is obviously not happy with the marriage anymore, and neither are you...why are you staying might be a better question?

Let him go out there, in the world, and find some other woman to be his doormat. You are being oppressed in this relationship, and probably abused in some form or another. GET OUT IF YOU CAN! NOW!!!