Will he see this as an ultimatum?

Question

My boyfriend and I have been together almost 2 years. We have both been married before and are in our late 30s/early 40s. We have talked (and talked, and talked) about marriage. He knows I want to get married again and have children. He says that he would like to have more children (he was one). We love each other and have felt a high level of comfort since day one. To make matters worse, we are in a long-distance relationship.

I am preparing to move to the next phase of my life, which includes marriage and kids. I will not give him an ultimatum, but I'd like to let him know that I have to move forward if I expect to still have children.

Q: Do I tell him that I'll be moving forward? Or do I move forward and let him figure it out. I don't want him to feel that it is an ultimatum, because in the end, it's not about him. It's about what I want in my life. Appreciate any comments.

Answer 1

An ultimatum is not a bad thing. "Here is what i am doing. I would love it to be you I do it with. I am doing this before it is too late for me, with or without you, please be with me."
I don't know, I am in the opposite situation but kinda the same thing. I want to move on with my life and my husband is heading in a different direction. Sometimes they won't act until there is some action on our part, procrastination I think?

Answer 2

Honestly dear, it is getting to that point in your life that you don't have that many more years left to conceive a child. It is time for an ultimatum. Tell him that you are both getting older and there will come a time when you won't be able to have children because of age or whatever. Tell him you want to move on to that phase of your life now and ask him if he is ready or has any plans to do the same. If he tells you yes but not right now then it is probably time to move on with your life. Just talk to him and be honest, tell him how you feel. I have a feeling he will be more up front than you think.

Answer 3

You're sort of dancing around what you're actually going to tell him. Are you going to say (a) I'm moving forward, and not with you, or (b) I'm moving forward, and if you won't agree to marry me and have children, I'm moving forward without you?

If it's (b), it's an ultimatum. If it's (a), nothing he does will make a difference, so it's not an ultimatum. Whatever--moving forward and letting him figure it out doesn't sound like something I'd do to someone I claim to love.

Answer 4

The first thing you need to do, if you haven't already, is to figure out why he is not willing or ready to get married. With many it is a deep seeded family issue. Their parents were divorced, or in a very unhappy marriage, or there was abuse. Figure this out. Be understanding and compassionate no matter what his issue with marriage is. Let him know you understand his feelings. The second thing you must do is figure out whether or not this is a long term thing, meaning he's never going to get married, or if it's him being scared. Is this just going to be for a year, a couple years, ten years or is he never going to get married. Last, assure him that marriage with you is going to enhance the relationship. It's going to make it better and last forever. Make him feel comfortable about the idea of getting married. It's probably not you. It's just a lot for many men and women to take on. It's a big deal. Just make sure marriage is what is best for both of you. If he's not getting married and that's a huge problem for you, you're probably going to eventually find someone else who is willing to commit to marriage. Again, it's probably not a commitment problem if you've been together for two years though. It's probably just his feelings on the label that marriage has been put in. Best of luck! Love, Taryn Ashley Lorelei

Answer 5

I think its better to let him know that you are just tired of waiting. I mean you guys are both feeling the deep feelings for one another, but evidently his feelings don't extend to marriage. I'm sure you have heard everyone's argument about how its not necessary to get married now, not back in the 50's. But see that is the thing he is probably sticking with. But just doesn't want to tell you, because he doesn't want to seem like the bad guy to you for not wanting kids and marriage. Or its just the simple fact that he fears he will screw up in the marriage to you like he did with his last wife. But either way, if he still won't give you a direct answer about not wanting to get married you just have to tell him. That it was a nice 2 years but you think its time for you to move on, because you wish to get married again sometime in your lifetime and even have children. No ultimatum there its just the straight facts.

P.S. Life is way too sure short to be playing the shacking up game if that is not what you want. Everyone needs to be true to what they really want and not just settle because their supposed partner wants to.

Answer 6

Honey, I'm not trying to be rude, but in all honesty, it's not an ultimatum, it's a threat you plan to follow through on with or without him. I'm not saying it's wrong, nor is it entirely right. I'm just saying that maybe in all the talking you are doing, you aren't being direct enough with what you want. And if you are, then maybe his not proposing is a sign that he's not the right one for you. You are entitled to your happiness and if this isn't something you want to wait on, then don't. However, you may want to find out the reason why there is no proposal before you go and jump ship. Money may be an issue for him and your independence might come off a little intimidating. There is nothing stopping you from asking him to marry you!

Answer 7

It would not be an ultimatum for you to tell him how you feel about marriage and children and your concerns that it is getting late on your mother clock. Talk to him about it and see what he has to say.

I think there may be a problem for you two though, because of what you said about it not being about him, but it being only about what you want.

Answer 8

You know what you want in your life, marriage & kids. If he is not going to give you those two things you have to move to the next phase without him. Look at it this way, just say you wait another two years for him to decide and then you end up breaking up...what if you are not able to has kids at that point (it gets harder as you get older), then you have lost your chance for having children. Good Luck.

Answer 9

Well firstly you say you are in a long distance relationship.
How often do you see each other ?
Being in a long distance relationship and being in one where you both see each often is very different, i know becsause ive been in both.
After such time (2 years) you would think you would both be talking about being together.
How can you talk about marrage and kids, if you arent together often or maybe living together.
You need to think sbout those things first, being together and no being in a long distance one.

Answer 10

My goodness, if this is the guy you want to marry and have children with, you should be able to discuss this with him. If you can't, maybe you should rethink this thing. Seriously, you don't move forward with something like this without discussion.