how can i stop feeling this way..?

Question

i have a 5 month old son. His farther and i are trying to work on our relationship, so i'm living at my mothers. She works all the time so it's not like i'm getting help here..

Everytime i speak with my fiance, he's out doing something... Working on a car, going to the beach ( this weekend ).. just doing things he did before we had the baby...

i'm always at home, trying desperately to get out of the house.. runinng all the errands i can imagine.. but i feel so alone.

I want to stop worrying about what he's doing.. Stop feeling so jealous that hes out having fun. I'm tired of taking care of our son all by myself.. it's getting very hard..

I moved in with mom b/c he said he was depressed and i always b*tched.. i did b/c i felt i didn't get any help..

I can't go over there and spend time with him w/o a babysitter.. he doesnt get off till 5, baby's bedtime is 7..

i go back to work partime tomorrow...

Any suggestions on how i can concentrate on ME . and not worry

all friends are long lost since i've had the baby... Besides it's hard to take my 5 month old anywhere.. he can't stay up for longer than 2 hrs..

Answer 1

I think I understand a bit more now. No WONDER you are so frustrated! Let me tell you some things- it could be long.

When our son was born, he had severe colic. We were newly married and I was in college. He couldn't handle the baby. It was months of him going out not knowing where he was...etc. It was awful. Later, we discovered our son has autism and then some things fell into place. We had split up- I couldn't deal with 2 babies. I couldn't deal with not knowing where he was. I couldn't understand how he could not accept our baby- no matter how difficult he was. I told him to leave. He went to therapy, I went to therapy and later we went to therapy together. It was a LONG road. We have been married now for 13 years and we are best friends- but we were lucky. We have talked about it since then and truth be told, if we weren't married, I would have walked- baby and all. Our son has autism- I couldn't reach our son and i sure couldn't reach the one person who I was suppossed to reach- my husband. It happens in marriages too. I am glad we got it together, but it was really bad. Now, he is a different person- he helps, cleans, does 50/50 all the way- but I wouldn't have thought that was possible 10 years ago.

Your fiancee has to decide what he wants. Sadly, you cannot make the choice for him. HE has to do it. You, I am afraid are raising a baby alone.

Would you think about NOT working right now and going to school full-time? Full-time in college is 12 credit hours? You need to do something for YOU. You are living with your mom right now, take advantage of it. With your education behind you- in a field where people are needed such as education or nursing- or any field where there is a need, you have a job, you have a future not just for you- but for your baby. I had our son in daycare on campus. I worked at the campus to offset the cost in the afternoons- and had him with me. It was hard, but I did it.

I don't want to hurt you, but you may be going it alone.
If that is the case, it may be for the best. You are young. Don't give your heart to someone who doesn't love and cherish you AND your son.

You are doing a good job with your son- I have read your questions- it's hard and you are still doing it. So keep on. But go back to school. Get angry- and use that anger to motivate you for something positive.

You weren't getting any help there with him- and you won't when you return. He will be the same because the only one who has changed in this relationship- IS YOU!!! You are a mommy now. You are acting like a mommy, being responsible as a mommy, etc. Not easy.

How to concentrate on you- all of the above. Ask your mom to help you out- call up some friends and get together as she watches your little guy for a few hours. A few hours to a tired, worn out mommy make a world of difference.

You may have to make new friends- with babies. Someone mentioned a mom's group- they help too. There may also be single mom's groups as well. Check your area and see.

Hang in there- and I'll see if I have this thing set up for email. I have a good ear- and I will listen despite the question/answer the other day- now I get it. I'm sorry.

GOOD LUCK TOMORROW- first days are hard!!!

Answer 2

I was in a similar situation. The differance was, I was married to him and we lived in the same house. Imagine how hard it was to ALWAYS be the one left at home. While he got the chance, as often as he wanted, to forget that he had a greater responsibility. I could never understand how a dad can do that and we as mothers can't!

I eventually decided that if our daughter was going to have good examples in her life it had to start at home. Her dad and I were always fighting and as long as I was home , he would not take care of her. So I left. That was the hardest thing I have ever done, but 3 years later, my daughter has the best split parent partnership you could imagine! He realized that I was not the only parent and if he wanted to be a part of her life, he had to work at it like I do. Once he started to do that, my resentment twards him faded and eventually disapeared. Now, to everyones suprise, we are very good friends and have alot of respect for each other.

He didn't change right away, he was even worse at first. It took alot of strength and understanding that I was doing the right thing. And even more strength to fall out of love with him and let go of my claim on him.

I am not recomending that you split, what I am saying is that at any cost you have to let go of the anger and resentment. If he doesn't step up, then you have to find a way to do it on your own. (once you stop letting him dissapoint you that will be easier) After all, you and his father are the most important teachers your son will ever have.

I wish that ther weren't so many of us that had to go through this.
Good Luck.

Answer 3

Sounds like the father wasn't ready to take on the responsibility of being a father???
Ask mom to keep the baby for a day and let you get out now and then.... or sometimes local Methodist Churches have "mom's day out" where you can drop off your child and have a day out. See if you have any in your area. Why can't you go spend time with him w/o a babysitter? It's his baby, too!!! What, baby is asleep 2 hours later--you could spend time with him after baby is asleep. I'd also tell dad it's time to man up--he contributed to making this baby... it's time to contribute to his care and welfare. Mom can't do it all...sounds like you're depressed. If dad can't grow up and be a man, well, sounds like you need to drop him and let the courts make him pay child support. Sorry.

Answer 4

you're right to want some alone time-and you have identified one of the major problems all single moms face-the feeling taht we are in this alone, and anger/jealousy toward the other parent for not sharing in the responsibility. the fact that you can admit your feelings is a good sign. my concern at this point-and only because i've been there-is that you dont start to resent your baby. its not that it means your a bad mom-all moms reach a point where they feel they cant take it-its what you do to get out of that point that makes a difference. the fact that you are reaching out for help is AWESOME!! going back to work is a step-you will be able to socialize and make new friends. sign up for some (free) parenting classes that are offered in your community. you'll meet other parents facing the same difficulties and may get some great advice. and as hard as it may seem-DUMP HIM!!! he is not worth you-or your baby's-time! if he can go on with his life like you and your baby dont exist, then you and your baby should go on like he doesnt exist. he is not worth it honey TRUST ME! now on a more serious note...if you have reached a point where you feel you have lost control of your thoughts/actions, etc...please call a doctor. if for nothing more than to talk-he/she will listen!! my thougts and prayers are with you and your baby. you can get through this-and you have taken the first step!

Answer 5

the moms mostly always get stuck doing most off the work forget about what hes doing and embrace the fact you have your baby all the time maybe one day while hes working on his stupid car you will see your baby take his first steps and hes going to miss it and one day when he's at the beach your baby will say mama and he will miss it then he will crawl and then walk and your going to see it all and be there for everything if he continues to be a jerk hes going to miss the most precious moments of his sons life...and you will be able to remember all the great things he did try to look at it that way....and one day when your son grows up and is successful he will turn around and thank his MOTHER for raising him right good luck!!

Answer 6

There are so many things wrong with this relationship its sad.

Why is he not stepping up to the plate to be a father to his son? Nevermind how you are, his obligations to that child are greater than the ones to you.

Why did you run away instead of solving the problem? Why did he allow you?

This is not how families survive. Leaving eachother is not the answer. Sticking it out and talking it through are how things are done. You have to fight to make relationships work. For the sake of your child you dont just cop out. You both need a kick in the pants.

You both need to be in counseling.

He should not be stringing you along, out living his life tra la la having fun, expecting you to raise his son, and hold together the realtionship. He should be stopping at nothing, allowing NOTHING to come between him and his child.

You should not so easily walk away from it all. And you also shouldnt shoulder all the work yourself. If you have to, then you have to, You make that choice and stop at anothing to provide the best you can for your son. If that means his father not being part of his life, thats just part of it. There are PLENTY of men out there who are looking to be husbands and fathers. Going around feeling sorry for yourself because life is hard takes away so much from your baby. And from you. You have that perfect little life you created, and all the love in the world for him. There is nothing greater, and it makes all the work worth it.

Iam not saying you dont need a break. We all do. Hire a sitter, or ask your parents for some time once in a while. Just long enough to drive around the block, or go to the store on your own.

Both of you need to grow up and have some resolve. Things dont work because they magically fall into place, they work because you make them. Its part of life. And its part of life that you fight for for your children. You stop at nothing. Its called being a parent. Its hard. But its worth it.

Dont be afraid to ask for help from anyone who is around you.

Answer 7

this is really sad! i'm so sorry your feeling like this it's so unfair. you have such an important role now as a mum to a beautiful little boy im sure, i know it must hurt that th efather is out having fun and enjoying himself but these are the most important years of your babies life. i would concentrate on your son and let the father come to you if he wants to see you and your son and if he doesnt come ask yourself is he at all worth it? if he cared about you and your sone he would be there 100%. just remember who the most important is right now and thats you and your son its not fair that you feel like this!!! hope this helps

Answer 8

Wow!!! You are having a rough time of it!
It's hard work and I have a husband. Just think and concentrate on your baby! Everything you do is for him/her now! Be a good, hard working person!

I'd be jealous that the babies father was out playing too...HOWEVER you are doing the most important thing in the world!! Do it RIGHT!

GOOD LUCK and YOU CAN DO IT!!! : )

Answer 9

I'm sorry to say this but it sounds to me like he needs to grow up a little... the baby is not only your responsibility its his to... and if he said he was depressed..it sounds like he just wonted you out to have fun..personally I think if he dont straighting up, you could do so much better. Yeah having a baby can be overwhelming but its something he has to get used to and with you at your moms hes not having to deal with it like you are I can understand why your jealous hes out having fun. Because you feel like you cant do anything because of the baby. maybe you all need to have some canceling, and if hes not willing to help you need to get rid of him... hes not a keeper if he wont help take care of his own child.! Im sorry if i sound mean. but Good luck to you.

Answer 10

You need to really try and stop worrying about your fiance because it might be why you are having such a hard time with your son. You are tryin to get closer to your fiance but you are starting to feel like your son is in the way because you always need a babysitter to spend time with him and whatnot. If he is out licin it up while you are steady working hard to be a parent then he isn't much of a man if you ask me. All that running around and **** will get old really quick if it hasn't already for you. IF you are working and being a single parent then he needs to get off his high horse and help. He needs to take time out to help you take care of HIS baby.Also if he is 'trying' to work on your relationship than why isnt he acting like a father and someone who wants to work it out. I know it is hard to forget about the man you had a child with because of that fact and you love him but he is really not helping matters much when he is out roaming around and you are worrying what he is up to. You need to just try and forget about that bullsh*t or let it slide if you are not willing to give him up and focus on you and your child because if you do that then it will be only and all about you and your son which feels really great. If you focus only on what you are doing to better your childs life and your own than you will feel so much better about yourself. Think of it this way if you are working part time and pretty much souly taking care of your son by YOURSELF then you are like a supermom! KUDOS TO YOU for being such a strong person in this situation. Don't let him get to you if he wants to be a kid let him but remember this you only have one child NOT TWO!
Good Luck oh and also...it shouldn't be JUST YOU tryin to visit and hang out he should at least be tryin to make an effort by coming over to your house to spend time with his fiance and his son.