Please read my story!!! =))))?

Question

http://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/1304564

heres the link to it - please email me if it doesnt work.

i would greatly appreciate if you would read this, and rate it and comment??? thank you! trying to get opinions and critiquing from other writing lovers!!!! =)

Answer 1

wow that is really good i cant wait to read more if i can keep at it i hope to see it on the shelves in borders one day great job and keep going you have something really good started.

Answer 2

I didn't read it all. But it's rocky. Your writing style is very choppy and has what I call the "This is the way writers are supposed to sound" quality.

In other words, you are trying too hard. This isn't your voice. This is Tolkien's voice or another author whose work you read and admire. I am not hearing YOU coming through. You are struggling to make it sound epic when it would come through much better if you simplified. By shooting for this mythical voice, you are coming off sounding choppy and it makes it hard to read when there is no flow there.

Try reading aloud to yourself. Listen to the "voice". Try to smooth it over a bit and make it flow better. You have an interesting start to a story. You begin with a very dramatic scene. I know tension is important in the scene, but it still has to have more YOU in it. If you were in a class with me, I would ask you to try simplifying a few paragraphs or telling me the story aloud. I know if you spoke the story it would sound quite different - because that would be your voice and your style

But it is a good start. Lastly, I would seriously advise you to take it offline. Publishers are not interested in purchasing work previously posted online. The internet is a plagiarists playground. Good work is always stolen. You present a problem to a publisher because they have to have their legal team work their butts off to establish ownership back to you. Imagine another publisher reading the same work right now - submitted by someone named Joe Blow. Believe me it can happen and does. Rather than deal with the legal issues, they will just reject the work. What a waste. HOw would you deal with it if the person who stole it was in another country? Would you go there to sue them??

And the so called "poor man's copyright" where you mail a sealed envelope to yourself with the work inside won't help at all. It isnt worth the 42 cents and the envelope.

I teach in my classes ways to beat it. You can mail yourself a whole batch of open envelopes and when you see sometihng you want to steal, shove it in and seal it. You own it. Or I can backdate my computer and burn a disk. I own it. Besides a copyright is only as good as the lawyer you pay huge dollars to in order to defend it.

Avoid that. Take the file down. I post nothing online anymore. As much as I am asked to post a sample here, I wouldn't do it. And I took my website down ages ago when I had a story stolen. It wasn't worth the money to go after the person - especially since they were halfway across the country.

The smart authors today post nothing ... Pax - C

Answer 3

I like it so far. Very interesting.
I just think that you should change Artemis the Third's name. The title character of Eoin Colfer's Artemis Fowl series (which is, by the way, the BEST SERIES EVER =) ) is known to be the "original male 'Artemis.'" A lot of people could unconsciously get it confused.
Good luck!

Answer 4

10/10! is it a artimis fowl fan fiction?
[ current project: the new era: expected completion:nov 2007 ]

- i have 2 people working with me on this. but 1 left because she is in NYC to audition for a touring group.

{im 14}

Answer 5

I really couldn't get into it There was to much action in the first paragraph and it just confused me
sorry but thats just my opinion dont let me stop you from writing