Read My Poems?

Question

I've just made these up on the spot !

Comedy One:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I can't write poems
Soooo....
Nice T*TS

Proper Poem:

I gazed into space
Knowing you were thinking of me
You have a pretty face
Looking at you, just makes my heart bleed

You lie there
Gazing into my eyes
Your Soft as a teddy bear
Looking at you, just makes my heart bleed

Your beautiful cherry lips
With drops of rain running down your face
It's amazing that i don't even care about your bits
Looking at you, just makes my heart bleed

Looking at you, just makes my heart bleed
Looking at you, just makes my heart bleed


Comment on add - ons and tweaks !

Answer 1

Well...it's an attempt at poetry. The first "poem" is a bumper sticker...not a poem..cute, but not poetic. The second one shows why it is seldom a good idea to write something off the cuff and post it before you've had a chance to edit. 5 out of 14 lines are the same phrase...not too creative, not good poetry. You tried to capture some interesting images, but you lose them because you take the easy way out. If you'd said, "you lie there, teddybear softness gazing into my eyes...just looking at you makes my heart bleed" it would have been poetry. When you use a simile instead of a metaphor you usually diminish the effect, but in your case, you break it completely by misspelling "you're" and making such a trite expression the focus of the stanza, you drop anything you had going. However, converting the simile into a metaphor actually saves the stanza with only minor editing. Your next stanza becomes juvenile...and you probably realize that..."care about your bits"...come on, did you really think you'd get away with that line? Why didn't you say, "that I'd love to chase with my fingertips"? It rhymes better and follows the theme of longing. The last couplet used to try and make this "sonnetesque" is a cop out...you could at least have said, "Looking at you reminds me of what I need..." then finish it off with your ubiquitous phrase.

Work on it...keep writing

Answer 2

Great Job. I thought you did really well. Unlike a few people, I actually understood where you're coming from. This is unique, and very creative. Not many people can write good poetry that speaks to the mind as well as the heart, but you did. Keep your head up, because you have talent. I believe in anyone who believes in themself.

Answer 3

its not bad. my advice is to keep up the writing and never limit yourself. you can write about whatever u want. keep on trying

~em

Answer 4

doesn't do much for me, but I'm only one opinion.. keep trying.

Answer 5

too cheesy

Answer 6

ok,.