should I save my marriage or give up after only a year?

Question

my husband and I have been married only a year... yes everyone says that the 1st year is the hardest but I think ours goes further than that... He has alot of past issues that he was going to counseling for but as soon as we got married he stopped and became a complete jerk. everything w/ him is a contest , he spends all of our money, i bought us a house.... but nothing is good enough anymore. he says he doesnt know what he wants anymore and he doesnt want to put me thru all of his problems. I say I want us to work and have tried to always be there for him and tried counselling but I think that he gave up on us beacause everything is always about him. how do I know when to call it quits and stop being the strong one all the time?

Answer 1

you need to go to counseling too. It's hard to deal with someone who has issues like this. You need someone that you can vent to and decise the most appropriate way to handle his issues. My husband struggles with depression and it has made our marriage very hard at times. I am so glad I stuck with it though. What has helped me is having counselors who will help me get through and make sure that I'm dealing with things in a healthy way even when he isn't. You can't always be the strong one. You may need to leave if things are that bad. But I would still go to counseling first because there are way more details to this then you could ever give us here but with a counselor you could talk about all of it.

Answer 2

Don't give up yet on him, you both need counseling and talk things through, maybe get into church, that always makes people feel better, no it won't fix the problems, but will help, Give it some more time and see how it goes. If he does not want to try, then there is no use in you putting in all the effort for nothing, that is when to decide rather to call it quits or not. Or before deciding 100% maybe a temporary separation to see how things will go. Then make your decision from there also. Good Luck!

Answer 3

You've tried marriage counseling and he's not going, but you are? Even if you feel he's the one with all of problems, it's good for you to talk to the conselor as well to resolve your issues with him. If you've gone with him and he's given up then there's not more else you can do. If possible go talk to a lawyer(that's assuming there's certain assets like the house that you'll want to keep). You don't want to commit to a lawyer and definately not pay a lot for one, but just to get some legal advice about your situation. Then confront your husband and give him his last chance. If he doesn't want to fix things, then go through with the divorce. If he changes his mind make sure he truely is trying to get help.

You say you're being strong, but the strongest part will be for you to leave him.

Answer 4

First off ignore the idiot for saying the only reason to get a divorce is if someone is un-faithful that's a load of crap! I believe you have to work at marriages definently. It takes 2 people though! Have a serious talk with your husband tell him first what you love about the two of you (if you can't think of much- you may already know what to do.) then tell him what hurts you and what you want to change. Ask him what if he feels there is anything worth saving and if he is willing to work at the marriage as you have. Be firm and tell him you can NOT live this way, life is to short to be un-happy. You need to talk to him and not hold things inside, try to be as postive as possible and not point fingers. Talk about what "we" can do to make this better. Above all you need to communicate there may be a reason he is acting the way he is...that he doesn't feel comfortable telling you. He needs to be willing to be open and honest. If you don't get to the bottom of it now or end the relationship it will only get worse. Sounds to me like something is hiding under the carpet..good communication and willingness can help you through. Try to work with him and if he isn't willing you must move on.

Answer 5

I've been there. I 'put up with it' for almost 5 years. I ended up leaving this past March. From the sounds of it, just in my opinion, if your having thoughts of leaving, honestly its probly time. If you knew 100% that you wanted it to work, you wouldn't be asking for advice. Yes the first year is the hardest, BUT only you know how much you can take and when your just done. I knew I was ready do leave 2 years into our marriage, but couldn't b/c I felt trapped. I was a stay-at-home mom with an infant at the time. I didn't think I could support my child which was more important to me than anything. Eventually I got a full time job and left. Now i'm a single parent with 2 kids. I just knew that I was done and couldn't put up with anything from him anymore.

Answer 6

When I read your question I felt like crying for a minute - because I can totally relate.

My first instinct answer for you is don't give up yet - marriage takes a LOT of work, but let me tell you my story.

I got married a little over 2 years ago to the man of my dreams - 3 days after we got married he went to military duty and came back a different person - a very mean, hurtful person. He has cheated, lied, stolen money from our account, gotten us behind on bills and he left me 2 months ago with all the bills. It is SO easy to want to give up (and believe me, most of the time I WANT to) but as wives, we have to remember to pray for our husbands. It's not easy (the hardest thing I've ever had to do) but we have to try.

IF he gets abusive or starts to cheat, then consider leaving him, but until then - TRY. Please try.

I'm not answering this for points or best answer or anything like that - so don't pick me if you don't want to (I really don't care) I'm just concerned for you and want you to make a wise decision for your life.

PLEASE feel free to contact me! Emaili me anytime (if you don't mind use the "email me" button on my page so that way I do'nt put it up here for everybody else to see) I promise to get back with you and I promise to be available as a friend if you need one (I know how hard it is to live in the same house with your husband and feel alone, sad, and hurt!).

Okay, God bless you and I hope you'll email me!!!!!

Answer 7

giving up is a problem. guy are the problem. So the lady has to care for him and solve the problem.
sometime guy are jerk. I know in someway i am one to. All my girl ask me was to clean the room. I mean re model everything to her liking, it took 2 months but it is done. I do drive and pick her up at 11pm every night. But still being tired is not an acuse, nevertheless it is.
So here is the plan, spent time on the thing he do, video game, hiking, swimming, but I said video game because he just sit there, don't waste money, and you are tired to, so no need to run on your side. Tell him to get a job, have a join account, he is not good with money, you take charge, every paid check give him $200 to use. That should surive him and you have money to take care of expense.

Video game is good, cause once he get into the game, he won't be drinking, smoking, drug, gambling. And remember to cut his cell phone to, so his so call buddy won't be a bad infludence.

Answer 8

You've only been married for a year so counseling couldn't have lasted long enough to really make a difference. Insist the he return to counseling and insist on marriage counseling as well and stick with it until things get straightened out. You haven't even given it a chance. If he can't manage money then don't give him access to it. Have his paychecks automatically deposited to an account that he can't access. He'll have to live on an allowance until things get straightened out. A therapist will help you with your issues.

Answer 9

Hello....

What I think you need to ask yourself is, "Am I happy?" It's wonderful that you love your husband and want to save your marriage, but if he doesn 't treat you well do you really think you could deal with his past junk getting in the way of your happiness for the rest of your life? Every relationship should be equal, by this I mean that marriage should be a partnership. I'm sure you've heard this before, but if your gut is telling you to let go or stay, trust it, always! If you go by what your gut says it's most likely the right course to take. However, this being said, you can't change people! Always remember this. You can love them and accept their crap or move on, but sense you seem to be the strong one here, my suggestion would be for you to take some alone time and go somewhere you love by yourself for a few days so that you can really think about what is best for you over all.

Good Luck!

Answer 10

Hey I live with a couple like that! (My parents)
who has the same problems!
my answer would be it would be best to stay together. I know it is extremely hard and they only way u can survive through hard times is to look to God for help. U may say ur not a religious person but you will not be able live life without God.
He died for u and loves u so much. He is ur only prince charming. And this time may just be a season of ur life and is defiantly a character builder. I personally can't live without Jesus he is my daddy even though my dad is not a good dad I have a great father that loves me so much. Many people blame God for there problems but really God just gives us challenges to test and build are character and he gives us grace and helps us win these tests. I Hope that I somehow I helped u. I really understand ur pain. I'll try to remember to pray for ur situation. keep pressing on!
~smile~