To the Stay at home moms...?

Question

I left my job 2 years ago and have slowly lost myself over time. I love my kids dearly, but my husband is pig headed and treates me like his maid, cook, secretary, and baby sitter and sometimes wh*re. We were in love once...please dont judge.

Im ready to leave him! if I am going to be with my kids 24/7 and not get to be my own person, better to not have an extra 2 year old to take care of and watch my loving husband become more and more of himself every day as I lose more and more of myself every day. I didnt marry him and have his children so he can be a kid again and have his mommy. He is so selfish!

Im sick of it, yes, Ive tried talking to him logically, nagging, crying, begging, etc. no matter how much I want to leave I know its not the best choice when you have 3 kids and made the commitment so that is out.

So, my question is, how do you make it work, what did you do to keep hold of who you are and any other advice??

Im not leaving him, and I know its easy to say its my fault because i let him treat me this way...but if it ws your home and your kids, you wouldnt allow it to be trashed and the kids unnatended because your husband doesnt know how to pick up his dirty underwear and dishes and comes and goes as he pleases. I may be enabling him, but if I dont do everything...it doesnt get done adn my children cant live in a house like that. Also, it isnt affecting our children....the yare happy as pigs in mud...but it is affecting me. Basically, I would continue to be unhappy to sacrifice for their happiness...But something has to give.

Answer 1

Begging someone rarely changes them. I have definitely learned that one. I feel like this sometimes to but believe it or not he is not the whole problem. It's both of you. If you are having a problem you need to figure out what it's going to take to fix it. You sound like you are saying you wouldn't really be happy if you left either. It sounds to me like your saying you lost yourself because you're so busy taking care of your fmaily. When I went through that phase my husband said, this is the way it is when you have kids. Your time will come later. I used to get so mad at him. But now only a few years have passed and I've figured out how to fix my schedule so I can go back to school, that in itself is changing things. I feel like he's showing more respect because I am doing something more than just being a mom but maybe he's showing more respect because I'm finally acting like more than just a mom. I think a lot of it is that we show people how to treat us. We act like we are not special or important because we think someone will coma along and say "oh no that's not true you are SOOOOOO special and valuable" the thing is though that's a fairy tale. You need to decide your value and worth and then with out even nagging he will start to see you as this very put together person who deserves his respect. My other theory with starting to go to school is that both he and I need to know that I don't have to be with him I choose to be with him. It makes a big difference in the marriage to know either person can leave at anytime but we choose to stay together out of our mutual love, respect and commitment to one another. You need to find something for you. Don't ditch your husband and kids LOL just find something that gives you a life seperate from just being a mom. Volunteer somewhere or take up a sport or go back to school or get a job. SOmethings that helps you see you're value in other areas. A simple place to start is aomethings like a mops group. Sort of like a support group for moms. At first it may seem like more of the same focus on being a mom but it was a nice start because it gave me child care and time with other adults once a week. Eventually I started working a little and making more friends and finding some hobbies. It's all been a process to help me find who I truly am. If you are losing more and more of yourself every day it is your fault. You can't blame children or your husband. They aren't taking it away from you, you gave it all up. I did too so I am not judging, just trying to help. Spend some time in the next few weeks thinking about who you are and what dreams you had (besides being a wife and mother) then start making plans. If you can't go to school right now but you want to then start researching schools and figuring out what you would go for. If you love playing softball then find a league and sign up. Just start trying to figure it out so you can start finding out who you are again. Don't expect it all to get better at once. This will take years because running a home and taking care of a family is a hard time consuming job. Don't give up though just take baby steps you can get there I promise. I am still in the process but I feel so much more hopefull then I have in years.

Answer 2

Most the responses to you question are not looking at the whole picture.
Of course we are only getting your side of the story, and I am sure there are three sides to this - yours, his and the truth.

First off when my wife was not working it was her job to cook, clean and take care of the kids. If you are not bring in an income, this is your way of helping. I still helped out with the laundry,cooking and kids as much as I could. I would say that even though WE decided it was her responsibility I probably did close to 50% of the work anyway. No problem.

Now that she is working , we split everything. She still has the extra work of taking the kids to daycare in teh morning, but that could not be avoided. She works in town and I work out of town.

I thank her as often as I can remember, but I am sure I could do more. I let her know that I appreciate everything she does.

That being said, I would say that is what you are looking for most, recognition. The rest of it probably stems from the lack of recognition.

I will give him the benifit of the doubt, so just have a reasonable, level-headed talk and let him know how how feel. Discuss everything and I am sur eit will be fine.

Answer 3

If you've tried talking to him and it hasn't worked...
Think of it this way.
Would you rather have your kids in an unhappy household with parents who don't really provide a loving, caring environment...?

Or start your own life, get a sense of yourself back, be happy.. and have them see how strong you are and can be?

This is probably the most difficult decision you're ever going to have to make, and i'm well aware the toll being a full time mother without a job to keep a sense of self. If your husband is just taking advantage of you, you need to do what's best for yourself AND your children.

And, from my point of view..? It might mean biting the bullet.

It's unhealthy for children to stay in a household that is torn.

From a very personal and humble opinion, Lol

Answer 4

I became a mother for the 3rd time May 3rd, 2007. I enjoy being a mom. I enjoy being a wife. I love my husband and my sons very much and they always come first for me. But when I was just a stay at home mom for 3 months, my days were filled with diapers, housework, errands and stupid *** television. My brain went down the drain. I went CRAZY. I have an advanced degree, why am I doing this?

When I went back to work last month, I found what I was missing. I found that personal satisfaction I get from my career and doing it well plus drastically contributing financially to my home made me complete. Both of us make over 100k and this is money that makes a DIFFERENCE.

It's a fact, marriages with wives who work (outside the home) were more likely to last than marriages where one partner was a homemaker only. When both couples work, there was more equity in decision-making, housekeeping, parenting and income decisions. Husbands appreciate their wives working and the increased income it adds to the family. They also adapt to the needs of creating more equity in who handled what obligations. I would not trade this for anything in the world.

Answer 5

Now look here...you've got kids and believe it or not they need their mommy AND daddy; so divorcing him is out of the question (unless there's physical abuse, alcoholism or an affair involved). You've got A LOT of power as a woman. Use it. Here's the deal, don't pout or nag. Act like the sweetest thing on the face of the earth and give him lot's of sex and I mean a lot. I don't care if you don't feel like it...do it.
The changes won't happen overnight but just be patient and keep doing the above. You can get anything from this man (unless he's a selfish bastard and I doubt that's what you married in the beginning) if you do all the above.

Answer 6

I'm sorry to hear another woman has fallen victim to such selfishness. I don't know what to tell you, I did it but didn't have children. Though I do have one now, glad I didn't have to bring her up in that environment.
May I suggest working outside of the home? Go out get a job and ask him to start pitching in around the house. Even if you have to put the children in daycare, working for yourself, to pay for daycare and maybe the occasional pedicure would at least make you feel like you were doing something for yourself. As well as not give him the ammunition that you don't work, therefore should do all those things. Though that may be true, you certainly shouldn't feel like what you do as a homemaker isn't important.

Answer 7

I was a homemaker for 9 years and it was one of the most challenging times of my life. I too loss myself in my children and my husband. Basically, my identity became my families identity. When my husband job had company events, I found myself not having much to talk about and other people didn't really know what to say to me either. So, I decided to start a small desktop publishing business that I could do at home. In this, I had something that I was doing for ME...not hubby and not the children. I also took time to take really good care of myself and joined kick-boxing and yoga and from time to time splurged on a day at the spa.

I think that husbands with stay at home wife's sometimes take on the attitude that you described, but often I think it's unintentional. Don't wine and complain about your life...embrace the fact that you are nurturing your family by being there for them fulltime. At the same time...take care of YOU!

The best to you

Answer 8

get a job. even if what you make is barely enough to cover the cost of day care, at least you'll be given a break from the house. plus, he wont be in any position to sit there and demand all those things. at that point you can demand that he splits the chores. but, i can hear him saying, "well it was your choice to work, so why should i have to help cook and clean?" sounds like you just need to be a little bit more firm with him. don't buckle so easily. tell him that if he's not gonna at least help clean the dishes, that he's not gonna have food on the table the next day. right now, he's getting away with everything.

Answer 9

It's YOU who let that happen to yourself, it's NOT the fault of your husband and children.
YOU need to change and get yourself back, but don't expect anyone else to do that for you. You're an adult, with a brain and a heart, and you need to use them to be the best mom and wife you can be. You owe that to your family, so smarten up!
I'm a SAHM, have two degrees and had a great career before becoming a mom. I never lost who I was, I am strong and independent, and my husband loves me this way - I'm who he married, except probably better because I learned patience from being a mom and being married. My son has a good role model in me, too, because I am ME, not anyone else.

Answer 10

I do everything around the house & he works over 40 hours a week. I really don't mind doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, bills and everything. The only thing that bothers me is the babysitter part!! He thinks he can go where ever and when ever he wants without asking me & if I go somewhere (which is seldom cuz he's too tired to watch the kids) I have to rush!!! It kind of makes me mad too that he leaves his clothes on the floor and dishes all over the house, like it's "my job." But I do it anyway! I don't think they realize our job is almost 24/7 & we need a day off too?