what would you do?

Question

Long story short, my husband had a drunken one night stand, after spending all afternoon and into the late late evening drinking with his "friend" at a local bar. Since admitting his infidelity, my husband has sought my forgiveness and done everything I have asked of him, including no more alcohol ever (or i'll leave) and attending couseling with our pastor. The only other thing I asked of him was that he no longer communicate with the "friend" who sat at the bar while my husband followed the "tramp" into the bar parking lot and well you know the rest. Anyway, he recently admitted that the only reason he is no longer speaking to this "friend" is because I told him if he did I would leave him and he'd never see me again. I don't want him to not be friends with the guy because I said so..I want him to not be friends with him because he realizes what a crappy influence and truly poor friend the guy really is...what should I do?

btw don't waste your time telling me to leave him...I love my husband and we are healing our marriage!

I am not blaming the friend people...i know he is not responsible...but I also know his friendship and influence in my husbands life is not healthy...

Answer 1

I think that in time he will realize what a s*** head this kind of a friend is. Maybe you could say to him that if the situation were reversed how would he like you to hang aruond a woman who would watch you try to destroy your life. He sounds like he loves you very much, you are lucky in that way. I am sorry that happened to you and I honestly wish you the best.

Answer 2

I think the "Friend" should stay away from your marriage and your home. Indeed you are right he's no REAL friend if he didn't try to at least to stop your husband going with this woman. My question to you is... Why was your husband out getting drunk at a bar by himself. Good husbands do NOT go to bars and get drunk to the point he did. There is no excuse!
Yes he needs help and I would make sure he stays with the counseling for a long time. and quite drinking alcohol for ever. and you too if you drink too. In this way you will be supporting him and you can start to rebuild your marriage and live a fuller happier life. Thre are so many other things to enjoy in life without alcohol.

Answer 3

Take time to yourself to think about the future. I truly understand your anger at your husband's friend, but your husband is also an adult that thinks for himself. As much as we always hear when men get together they're up to no good, that is not true. Your husband made the decision to walk outside with this homewrecker. All anger needs to be pointed at him. Telling him he can't see his friend anymore, while understandable, is you forcing him into molding to your expectations. He may turn around and resent this someday. Don't get me wrong, I would be furious too, but telling someone what they can and can't do can be damaging in the long run. If your husband is truly, truly sorry and is trying, noone can tell you how to feel. You need to ask yourself if you truly feel that you can completely forgive him, if you can live the rest of your life not having to wonder what he's up to, and if you can have this relationship without any "rules".. or, will it be a case where it's going to be dredged up in arguments, and picked open like a scab over and over again. Only time can tell, whether you can forgive or not. I personally would say "one strike and you're out" but that's me, you have to figure this one out for yourself. I wish you the very best of luck.

EDIT: If your husband and you are working it out then, then you're just going to have to live with what you tell him he can and can't do. You mentioned that your husband admitted that the only reason he is no longer speaking to this "friend" is because you told him if he did you would leave him. That' pretty threatening. If your husband doesn't care, than whatever, but if you're going to "lock him down" for life, is that worth it to you?

Answer 4

You're right. He should realize what a bad friend he is. My husband had a friend like that once. I knew he was bad news the first moment i saw him. He would take him out to bars and hed come home late. He also stopped going to church with me. I also seeked advice from my pastor and his wife. All four of us had a meeting. I told my husband to stop seeing this "friend" of his or ill just go back home and live with my parents. He didnt say anything but he did call his friend and told him that he cannot talk, or hang out with him ne more, he told him that he needs to spend more time with me and get closer to the Lord (go back to church). The response that my husband told me he got was.." You better keep that wife of yours on a leash and show her whos the man. Also, why go to church when got can go drink with your buddy and forget about everything." I just saw my husband hang up the phone with such shock in his face. He looked at me hugged me and he apoligized. Now everything is all well because of faith and prayer. i hope my answer helped. The second thing i can do is pray for you and your husband that everything will be ok. Just have faith in the Lord.

Answer 5

It makes me happy that you both are trying to repair your marriage... trust is a hard thing to build. For better or for worse, right? That's the promise you made to him and vice versa. Good for you.

I have to agree with one of the poster's above that it isn't your husband's friend's fault. I know that it would be nice to look for someone else to blame, but the reality is, your hubby messed up and there's no one else to blame but himself. If he loves you, he will no longer drink and get himself in a stupid situation.

Anyway, it's pretty crappy this his friend didn't try to stop him. That is surely a sign of a poor human being and a low life. Howevere, frankly, your hubby should be the one to make the call NOT to hang out with him. What kind of friend lets their friend have an affair or cheat on their spouse? A true friend would try to stop you! A true friend would take care of you if you're way too drunk to be rational! If he doesn't care about seeing his friend, then good. Keep it that way. I'd do what you're doing but I would HOPE that your hubby realizes what a crappy friend this guy is... and I would HOPE that he would CHOOSE not to talk to him anymore despite of what I said.

Anyway, good job, hun. Keep up the good work and continue to save your marriage!

Answer 6

Well you are going to have to be satisfied with him not talking to him because you asked him not to. The fact is that your husband made that decision, it sounds like you are putting too much blame on the friend. He could not stop your husband from acting on the impulses he acted on. If you want to repair your relationship, GREAT. But don't lay the blame on someone else. The friend is NOT responsible for what your husband did, you need to realize that

Answer 7

My advice would be to allow your husband to be friends with this guy. It's not his fault your husband did what he did. Also the fact that they were both drunk probably did not help. I wouldnt resrtict him from seeing the guy because one day he may resent the fact that he couldnt be friends with this guy simply because you did not want him to. He may be missing out on a great friendship. Now if this friend of his was out doing a bunch of outher things that could contribute to him being a bad influence then okay but it sound like this was a one time thing and he shouldnt be held accountable for your husbands actions.

Answer 8

Your husband is a grown man. Stop babysitting him and giving him rules. He is old enough to choose his own friends. If he does not make the choices on his own that suit a man in a loving marriage than maybe he just wanted the thought of marriage back and not necessarily the responsibility back! It is hard work to be married, he should want that hard work. He should not have to be disciplined into doing the right thing.

Answer 9

If that were me, I would be furious. Drinking only causes problems, and I know from experience. He needs to come to terms with his relationship to alcohol. It is up to you to decide whether or not to forgive him, but i know it will take time. My husband also has friends that are bad influences, but nothing super horrible has happened yet when he was out with them, at least not to my knowledge. Just ask him to think about the friends that he has, and if he is willing to choose them over you. And....for the time being....I would make him suck up to me every chance he gets.

Answer 10

It's not your husband's friend's fault he cheated on you! He made that choice, intoxicated or not, all by himself. Don't blame anyone else but him for his infidelity. And if she's a "tramp", what does that make your husband?

It's good that you put your foot down, but really, what kind of twisted sense of reality do you have? "Crappy influence and truly poor friend"? Your husband did it; not his friend.

Answer 11

Your husbands friend did not cause your husband to do what he did, unless of course he paid the chick after.
Your husband is the only one to blame for what happened. Not his friend. How do you know that his friend didn't try to talk him out of it. Or maybe his friend was just as drunk as he was, if you can forgive your husband for his drunken mistakes, why not his friend.