A couple months ago I told my husband our marriage was over and I had no feelings left for him. Big Mistake.?

Question

The day after he registered on a singles website looking for sex. The week after, he met someone and has talked with her ever since. He's gone out of town to play "baseball" twice now. Come to find out that is where she lives. He said he only met her there once each of his 2 trips. Once for dinner and once for lunch. (I call that a date) He said that is all. Do I believe that. He said he's never going to call or see her again. And he decided that before I even found out about her. I'm still not over it. Since that happened, I now realize that I do still love my husband. But when i want to talk about this woman he gets all defensive and doesn't want to answer anything I ask. He just tells me that he's told me everything already and there is nothing more to talk about. Oh yeah, he wants to start over, therefore not talk about it. I just can't get over how quickly he is to move on. Even though I did say it was over. My big question is, Is it wrong for me to want to still talk about it?

Answer 1

Yes,..... it is wrong for you to talk about it....meaning what your husband had done.
Look...., you told your husband that your marriage was over & you had no feelings left for him...Yes, for you it was a big mistake. But that is what you were feeling, you had lost that attraction for him.
You have been with your husband for awhile. As time moved on things became monotonous between the both of you, and I bet he became a Wuss. Wuss meaning doing almost everything for you, and not doing the things that he used to do that made you attracted to him in the first place.
Now, you told him that you don't want him, and he immediately moved on. He did the right thing...because what he did has you loving and feeling that attraction for him again...and it worked!
Your husband still care & loves you, because he wants to work things out with you. And if you want it to work, Do not bring up the break up, past problems, arguments and squabbles, because bringing up the past will only lead to more arguments and problems and will push him away. You should only look forward to the both of your future.
Your husband became the man again, and what he was doing made him scarce, made you realize that someone else wanted him, that he also was moving on with his life and enjoying his life without you, which in return made you jealous and gave you that spark to have those feelings again for him.
Bottom line he got what he wanted......You!

Answer 2

Hello Melissa,

What I am wondering is why you wanted to tell your husband that you did not have any feelings for him anymore etc, and very quickly after realise you did love him.

Having been married for 30 years I do know this can happen and we do say things on the spur of the moment that we don't mean.

I hate saying this but if your husband really wanted the marriage to work, why on earth did he immediately start looking elsewhere? That gives me the impression that the marriage was 'rocky' already.

He should have realised that what you said was said whilst you were down or having a disagreement and these things are rarely meant.

I think you will agree that what you said was rather silly, if you did not mean it, but what your husband did was totally uncalled for.

If you and he considered the marriage pretty stable up until that point, he should have waited a while and then you could have both sat down and discussed the problem.

With regard to him going out of town and meeting another woman. I definitely get the impression that there is something wrong in your marriage somewhere.

If you and he really want to get this episode behind you, you both need to sit down together and talk it out. You should both put your cards on the table and discuss the problems there are in your marriage, both now and before this started.

You must both be honest with each other and after this have a long think about the marriage and decide whether it is worth saving (I truly hope you both agree it is).

One of the most important things in a marriage is trust and both of you should be prepared to trust each other. I feel you should trust that your husband was telling the truth about his 2 meetings with this woman, until or unless you discover differently.

If he has promised not to see or contact her again, you should be prepared to accept his word. As long as he means it and this is his intention, there is certainly a strong hope that you marriage can be saved and work out.

I truly wish you both the best of luck and pray that you will work things out. One of the saddest things if feel is the breakdown of a marriage.

Poseidon

Answer 3

In life we make choices every single day. You made a choice and now you have to live with that choice. This situation will change or has changed things for the rest of your life. You said it "was over" for some reason. Now think about what that reason was.

Separating can be scary, maybe you are just beginning to feel afraid over leaving him or of supporting yourself for a while. Don't be afraid. Move on and don't look back, smile, look forward to the future because as the saying goes "the best is yet to be".

There is some man out there who will treat you like a queen. this guy didn't or you would not have wanted to end the marriage. You don't have to settle for crumbs any more. This man is not right for you. You love what you thought you had, but never really had or you wouldn't have told him it was over. Think about it and move on. You will be glad you did and before you know it will happier than you have been in a very long time.

Answer 4

No, it is not wrong for you to want to talk about it. In fact, you must if you intend on making this marriage work. Odds are he was (or maybe even IS) cheating on you. You opened the door, and he walked right through it. Time for you two to go to marriage counseling. The fact of the matter is that his cheating is the least of your problems. You obviously have communication issues, lack of trust, and SOMETHING lead you to question this relationship BEFORE he met this girl. Those issues MUST be resolved, or you'll be experiencing this same thing over and over again until you divorce. Call a counselor today. Make an appointment. Discuss this with your husband, and if he won't go, then go yourself. Odds are if you go, he'll end up going anyway so you can't talk behind his back, and if not, it still can be a big help for you. A counselor will help you identify the REAL problems in your relationship, and will help you find constructive solutions for those problems. If it works, then great! Marriage saved. If it doesn't work, then you'll at least know where you stand in your relationship. Maybe your intitial feelings were right. Good luck!

p.s. Wow. Usually you get pretty good relationship advice here, but many of these comments are the worst ones I've seen on here in ages! You really hit a nerve! I guarantee you that anyone who thinks this should just be let go has never experienced anything like it. Relationships simply are not that simple. These issues must be resolved, or you'll just be doing it all over again. "Letting it go" will basically be like saying it was ok, and none of the issues that lead to this will be resolved. Until you sign that divorce paper, you are still married. He was wrong to cheat on you, even if you WERE wrong to tell him it was over. I'll tell you one thing: over or not, you'd win the legal battle on this one, provided you've been faithful yourself. I don't see any way that you two will ultimately work this out if you don't discuss it. Call that marriage counselor today!

Answer 5

You don't need to "educate" her as if she is a dog!!! first of all, your current situation must me the consequence of something... what has been happening between you two?? haven't you tried to consider that she must be even less satisfied than you are?? you are thinking just about "fingering" and stuff like that when maybe the source of the problem is communication?, empathy? and understanding??? anything else Beyond the mere sexual act? And don't even try to take this situation as an excuse and cheat on your wife now!! That would very selfish and even immature for a man of your age... Try to listen what she has to say and DON'T JUDGE her of having traditional thoughts... im sure there's a lot to save in in your marriage, even more after 22 years!!!!! Good luck and sorry If I spoke strongly but men sometimes are so thoughtless....

Answer 6

Well, I have been on the other end before. And the saying is, once a cheater, always a cheater. You may still have feelings for him, but he obviously is searching to replace you, one way or another. If he does not want to talk about it, then there might be more than what he has told you and doesn't want to hurt you. I would definitely think about a separation at least. If he loves you then he will smarten up. If not, he will continue to screw up. I honestly say that you were not wrong in telling him it was over.

Answer 7

First of all, you are rather immature to think that EVERYTHING should be talked about, just because you would like to. Should every shoe in a store be bought just because "you'ld LIKE to ??? Most women never get past this step.
The second part of this point is that men DO NOT need this "talking out" as women do, in fact, t is un-healthy for them.
Now as for the second point. Well, what do you think the marriage vows are for, the happy days, the easy times ??? How many struggles does a man go through to keep his job with physical aches and pains or agressive, competetive males at his heels and his sides and perhaps a crummy boss ??? Don't you think he ever
might have said to himself "yeah, and all my money goes right down the drain to my wife and kids and all she wants is more. !! " during some tired, exasperating moment ??
What more can I say?

Answer 8

This seems like you pulled the old "Dont know what you've got till it's gone" YOu probably didn't think much of your husband until another woman caught his eye and now your realizing he wasn't that bad after all. HOWEVER just because he has got someone else doesn't mean he's the man you dreamed of again. THink about what reasons you wanted to leave him in the first place. Plus if he's looking for sex the day after your divorce, that's kinda creepy and perverted, maybe this is why you left him? Maybe he was able to move on so quickly because he didn't love you either OR he could just be trying to make you jealous, but I would def think about why you wanted a divorce in the first place!

Answer 9

I don't think it's wrong for you to be curious , I think it's natural to be , but on the other hand how much detail do you need to "get over " it. Marital problems are very difficult to resolve, especialy in regards to infidelity or break up. You say you can't believe how quickly he wants to move on . I don't know you or your husband , obviously, but he may be in some sort of guilt/denial about the whole situation but I don't think constantly asking him about "this woman" is healthy or productive if indeed you do want to mend your marriage. My suggestion is for you to talk to someone , a third party , that is objective, preferably a professional counselor. Hopefully this will help you "excorsise" your curiousity about the other woman and you have an outlet for your frustration. Then, ideally your husband , in time, could be gently persuaded to join you and both of you may be able to put this behind you and get on with your life/marriage, that is if you, both of you, truly want to continue your marriage. Be honest with yourself and your husband. Good luck.

Answer 10

Well you need to build your relationship back up... and asking over and over again about the past won't help it... If more did happen and he told you... would that really help you??? I doubt it... and if nothing happened... Then he may have already told you everything... So just try to be close to him now... build new good memories... Go out with him and make sure its a good memory... Tell him thats what you want to do... Then you'll have better things to think about... And it may not be a perfect date either just do your best with it... Do that if you want to keep it going... If you don't then it doesn't matter what he tells you... So you need to decide if you really want it to be over or not... I'd shoot for not... but I'm not you and don't know all the circumstances... I wish you the best though and hope this helps...