My partner and i are thinking on having a child, she is almost 31yrs old and want to go first, her mother hates me and blames me for her daugther becoming a lesbian and being with me, she says that she will make sure our child knows that i am nothing of he/her, and we are just leaving together, she has being putting a lot of stress on our relationship therefore i have been stressing my partner out, i want to feel like she is capable of defending our family even from her own mother, one day her mother says she will not love the child and the next she comes around saying the opposite, they lived together for 30 yrs, until she moved out with me, the cord has not been cut yet, my partners has to do everything for her including bank deposits, i dont know what to do or say anymore, whe have had plenty of arguments about this, and ive started to question if i want to have a family with her or not, i know this is too short for such a big picture but i need some advice. Thank you
2007-08-13 02:29:24 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
The story is right to the point and clear, look here your partner and you have to set some boundaries about her mother meddling in your relationship the only reason she is doing this is because she is blaming you for her daugther being a lesbian and we all know this is not true... but your girl she needs to decide wether she wants to be your girlfriend or her mother's daughter, she will have to be strong and determine to live her life without her mom being so involved in her private business I would put a hold on having the baby for now until you get some solid reaction from your partner tell her that she needs to cut that cord already and that if a baby is going to be born and raised by you guys you can't have her mother traumatizing the child about your relationship, I know plenty of same sex couples that have succesfully raised well adjusted children for the only thing you need to raise a child is LOVE but she has to let her mother know that when the baby gets here there will be no such thing as to meddle or tell the child nonsense stories, or she will be the one excluded from the child's life, make sure she tell her that YOU and HER are going to be the parents to this child even if she likes it or not.. and talk to your girlfriend and she needs to understand this.. I recommend some counseling for you and your partner before you start your family that would definately help I promise... good luck and god bless you.......... have you tought of the possibility of you being the one bearing the child?? because if you have the baby assuming the will be that one of you get artificial isaminated then what the hek her mother would have to shut the hell up!! sorry I know I didn't spell artificial thing right but you know what I mean?? there are so many possibilities.. choose the best one for you guys when the times comes.. good luck again
2007-08-13 02:50:32 · answer #1 · answered by boricua_2290 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You do not have a mother-in-law, at least that's how she sees it if you are in an alternative relationship. Unless you have some kind of financially and emotionally stable arrangement (i.e., like you actually went to a state that recognizes gay marriage and got married), don't have a baby. It's not fair to the kid. If you're dealing with this kind of thing, it's only going to get worse once the baby is born and the only one who gets hurt is the kid - he/she'll end up being resented and then turn around and resent you. Don't do it. It's not a stable environment.
2007-08-13 03:12:18 · answer #2 · answered by Empress1 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like her mother is threatened by you. I don't think it matter that you are lesbians, I think she would be just as awful if your partner was involved with a man. It is about her mother's fear of not being in control.
Your partner has lived with her mother for 30 years, so while I know it is hard, please be understanding with her. I'm sure it is very hard for her to put her mother's behavior into perspective. It would beneficial to both of you to have her go to therapy, by herself and then for the two of you to go to couple's therapy. Any relationship is hard work but yours sounds like it is going to be a little harder because of the pressure her mother is putting on the two of you.
Your partner needs to get to the point that she can seperate her life with you from her life with her mother. As an adult she needs to put your relationship first and explain to her mother that her first family is you and any children you have,you are the priority and then there is her mother.
I am dealing with that with my mother. She hates my husband and it has gotten so extreme that she has accused his of abusing my kids ( not true at all, even my ex-husband didn't believe her). She also hated my ex-husband right up until I divorced him and know she has nothing but wonderful things to say about him. Her issue is not having control of me and my life. I have been in therapy since December when she made all of the horrible accusations.
I have had to limit my involvement with her. It was very difficult at first but my loyalty is to my husband and our family. As I have progressed in my therapy I have seen how hurtful she is and how much she doesn't care about anyone but herself.
It takes time though and your partner will need alot of understanding while she is trying to make her relationship with you her priority.
Good Luck!!
2007-08-13 02:47:47 · answer #3 · answered by nac'smom 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I would sit her down and let her know that you want the very best for her daughter, and you want her to be involved with your child if she wishes to be.
I am in the same boat, and my fiance has a very controlling mother...
she will eventually come around and realize that she is wrong.
2007-08-13 12:10:02 · answer #4 · answered by Cassie 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Vicky,
Run, run, run!!!
Raising children is hard when everything else in your life is going perfect! Children are little people who are entrusted to us who need to be cared for for a time. Having children or getting children to fulfill something that you feel in missing in your life does not qualify as a reason to have children. Find a good therapist.
Remember this when it comes to having children and raising a family: "All good and perfect gifts are from above..."
2007-08-13 03:04:21 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
That is alot of stress for you. Just relax. I would write the mother a heartfelt letter and explain that you love her daughter and like her that you only want what is best for her. Address the lesbain issue and tell her that you understand how hard that is for her. Best of luck to you.
2007-08-13 02:39:50 · answer #6 · answered by Brandi 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
your partner lets her mother control her life, and it won't stop on your account.
her mother is goofy, and can't accept her daughter's life or choices.
you probably need to remove yourself from the middle. let them work it out.
no one can put stress on your relationship ulness you ALLOW them to. set some boundaries. both of you.
take care
2007-08-13 02:37:01 · answer #7 · answered by letterstoheather 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋