What do you think of my new poem, "Just Because"?

Question

It's too big to fit here, please take the time to read it, I'm rather proud of it.

http://nick.klim.googlepages.com/simplybecause

Answer 1

oh my gosh
i really liked this poem
even though its not the best one i've heard before but its still good
you are really talented

Answer 2

Here's an analysis of your poem's structure if the line breaks are lengthened. I did this to better see the rhyme pattern that was stretched out in your original form.

As you can see below, there are times when your beats are uneven, when a pattern falters, or changes. There is nothing wrong with the way you wrote the poem, it is a very retrospective, nostalgic piece, but if you look at it the way I've posted it, you'll see there are areas you might be able to improve...it's up to you. Also, in the fourth line you should change "sing" to "sang", or drop the "and" and start it with "singing" to make the tense correct. And in line 4, which really sets up the rest of the poem, you could break off "I remember the days" as an isolated line and fill in behind "songs" so the end matches the "lake" ending...perhaps, "singing our favorite songs till it was very, very late". The third repetition of the line at the end is good...it adds that last look over your shoulder...perfect. Nice poem.

A - Well that was then and this is now,
A - but often I wonder just why and how,

B - and what went wrong as we sat by the lake,
C - and sing our favorite songs I remember the days,

D - in the hot summer haze where all we did was have fun,
D - And I wonder why it is now that it's all been said,
or already done.

E - I would tell you my secrets and you would tell me yours,
E - and now you make up excuses with household chores,

C - We don't see each other much these days,
C - And I don't know if we're fading to subtle shades and greys,

F - So I think to the past and have a little smile,
F - Do you remember when we would toss the frisbee awhile?

G - Do you hold dear the times
G - when we would walk down the streets hearing only the wind chimes?

A - But I guess that's all over now,
H - and you could never quite see,
H - How much you really did mean to me.
A - So I write this poem here and now.

I - Under the midnight sky of the deepest blue,
I - simply because I thought of you,
I - And I wonder if you ever think of me too.

hope this helps...keep writing

Answer 3

The mood -- that nostalgia -- is consistent and beautiful.
I enjoyed it a lot, but I was not much impressed, you know.
To tell you the truth, I love subtlety in poetry which is achieved through imagery, metaphors, symbols, alliteration.etc. The more the reader struggles for the meaning, the more he enjoys and remembers the poem.
Yours is very straightforward. But it is beautiful anyhow ; especially if it is sung accompanying a guitar. Thanks for sharing. I loved the start and the ending very much:

Well that was then,

and this is now,

but often I wonder,

just why and how,.............



Under the midnight sky of the deepest blue,

simply because,

I thought of you,

And I wonder if you ever think of me too.

Answer 4

i love it! its very deep and it sounds to me like it took alot of thought and time to make. i think we all have felt that way. and i felt like i could really connect with the poem. nice work :)

~em

Answer 5

its stunning i absolutely adore the way you write. your words create a beautiful image not many poets can do that

Answer 6

it's really good!
great way of expressing how you feel and full of emotion! well done

Answer 7

Beautiful.....gave me goosebumps...that's how I "know" something is "good". =) Keep writing.