New Baby, Husband, and In-laws?

Question

This is my husband and my first child-due 10/31. It is also my husband's sister/brother's first nephew, and his parents' first grandchild. They have all done a lot for us and are very supportive. They have purchased the crib, clothes, carseat, stroller, dresser, etc. They have also helped with re-arranging our living space to make it baby-friendly. My family (with the exception of my cousin) has been less than supportive. I'm lucky if I get a phone call once a month from them. My in-laws are aware of this and have decided to step up. Let me point out that I have never asked anybody for anything. My husband and his family are extremely close. Last night, my husband and I got into a big argument because I said that I would like to take just a couple of days following the birth for us to bond as three and to postpone the arrivals of his sister/brother. While they are helpful, they are overbearing. My sister-in-law even said that she will buy the baby's going home outfit and is seriously

considering moving back to the east coast (she's in texas) to be a big part of the baby's life. During my conversation with my husband about taking a couple of days to ourselves, he said he was on board but didn't agree and thought I was targeting his family. He said this because it doesn't affect my family at all because of thier lack of involvement. How do I handle this? I feel like if I don't set boundaries now, his family will show up at my house while I'm in labor and not give us space. Am I being less than grateful or am I justified?

Whenever my sister/brother-in-law come to town, they stay with us in our two bedroom apartment. I showed my husband a letter I prepared to send to everyone (my family included) about giving us space. He was ok with the later but still didn't see my point of view. In the later, I also pointed out that due to our small apartment and establishing a schedule with the new baby, we would appreciate if out-of-towners made other arrangements for sleeping. My husband said this was clearly targeting his family and he through it my face all the things they have done for us--stuff that I was fully prepared to handle myself. I never asked anyone for anything. My in-laws constantly asked what we needed and that they wanted a list. I said fine, this is what we need. Now its thrown in my face the minute. Am I crazy?

later=letter. Please ignore

So far, you guys have given me awesome answers! I really appreciate your honesty. I cried all night last night and you all have made me feel so much better. Thank you!

Answer 1

You are not being less then grateful in anyway!!! This is a hard situation for a lot of mothers whose in-laws are very close. They are telling you everything you need to do and giving you lots of helpful advice now, just wait till bubby comes along and they are telling you how to do everything! Eeek!! While it is nice to have lots of support and you are very lucky for it and you sound grateful, it is another thing to be told what to do constantly when you really just want to at least try it your way and learn things yourself. Don’t get me wrong there will be times when you are screaming for some help and you’ll be glad of his family, but other times you will want to bond and learn all the amazing things there is to being a new mum yourself.

You really need to put your foot down now. Having his family in your face as soon as you have your baby isn’t what you sound like you want, and trust me it will only get worse!!! I have the exact same thing with my mother in-law!!! She bought everything (even though I didn’t ask her to and I would have liked to pick some things out myself) then I felt bad when I went out and got a few new things and she said “I would have got them for you” or “I already bought you some of them.” I was lucky because my husband was completely understanding when I told him I wanted time to bond and time to get out of hospital and on my own feet before I had his family over.

My mother in-law would tell me how to do everything, and most of the things she was telling me were out of date ways of doing things. I had to put my foot down and say I appreciate all your advice and help but I need to do it myself and I will ask when I need to! Talk to your husband again and tell him you are just feeling a little overwhelmed and you really need to bond and lean to do it yourself and tell him that you want to be up and about and feeling better and more confident before having visitors! Tell him that you may not be up to it for a few days anyway. I wasn’t wanting people over when I 1st had my baby as we were settling in together as a family and I felt absolutely awful, I hadn’t slept or showered and was still in pain the last thing I wanted was his family there for the 1st week.

Anyway I have rambled on a lot, I just know where you are coming from is all. I say talk to him again and try talking not arguing (maybe he has had time to think over what you said) and be sure to put your foot down early on with his family if they get to be to much, but tell them in the nicest possible way lol good luck hun, it will all work out and you will be loving the help once you and hubby and your new baby settle in together. Never turn away some help lol just make sure you do things the way you and hubby want them done. Congrads on your baby :)

Answer 2

I think it's perfectly reasonable. I requested the same of my family and my in-laws. We live about 400 miles from everyone, so I didn't think it would be a problem. I told them we'd call when she was born, and then they could come up. That way during labor and her first few hours, it was just us.

Well, then comes 3 am and the nurse comes in to check my IV - followed by my parents. They had expressly agreed not to come until we told them to, and they showed up anyway. By the time my daughter was born, the ENTIRE family was waiting in the cafeteria. I was annoyed, to say the least, but what are you gonna do? They were all excited as well (first grandchild on both sides and all), and they just wanted to see the baby. And if they hadn't come when they did they wouldn't have gotten to see her, because she had to be transferred to another hospital to stay in the NICU for a few days.

Just keep in mind that, while you are completely in the right here, it may not matter what you tell them. They may just well do whatever they want, anyway. All my plans of being alone with the baby, not having anyone at the house when we got home, went out the window - and honestly, it wasn't as bad as I had imagined. (I was actually kind of glad to have everyone there since she got sick!)

Congratulations and good luck with the in-laws!

Answer 3

This is tricky.. I can totally see both sides.. You CAN request that friends/family call before coming over.. You can even leave it on your outgoing messages... Explain to your husband that you would prefer visitor's to call before coming over so that you could "plan" to have company.. Nothing is worse especially during the recovery phase when the doorbell rings and unexpected people arrive.. .Chances are you'll be unshowered, nursing or even in some discomfort.. I don't think it's a bad thing to want to spend a few days together as a family unit before showing the baby off to friends and family.. If you need support have your doctor, tell you or call to tell your husband that he/she's immune system can't handle all the people/germs so it's best for the first few days to keep visitor's to a minimum or at least only for a brief amount of time.. Thank your in-laws and sister/brother in-laws often and graciously. Maybe plan to host a dinner in a month or two and invite them over.. You are very lucky to have the help.. Just try and keep it civil and pleasant.. Good luck

Answer 4

I understand your concerns... and I'm actually pretty frightened of too much family involvement on both sides. As for the postponing visitors... that as I see it is a choice made by both you and your husband. I would sit down with him and go over what you're thinking the pro's will be and what he thinking. My husband and I often differ on opinion and I love it - I get so many sides of something that I never saw before.

I figured the beginning would be busy. The hospital stay, first few days coming home... but after that. It's just me, dad, and baby. If you can be patient though the hustle then I think that's a good thing. As far as I know it's just the idea of something "new" that draws the attention of others. (that's what I'm hoping anyway... )

Best of luck to you, whatever you and your husband decide. And congrats on the baby!

Answer 5

It sounds like you are a part of, going to be a part of, an extended family. This is a good thing for the baby. At times it will be hard for you if you are not used to it.

As the baby grows older, he will always know that there are MANY people that he can trust, talk to, go to for help, that loves him no matter what. He will be able to "stop" by grandpa's with some friends, just to sit & talk to him without calling first. The door will always be open. You, will always have a babysitter.

It sounds like your family is waiting for a call from you. This is neither good or bad, just the way they are. Every family is different.

Enjoy both sides for who they are, love and enjoy them.

Take care

Answer 6

I think your request is perfectly reasonable. From my own experience the last thing you are going to want is lots of family descending on you right after the birth. Your hormones are going to be all over the place and you'll be exhausted from the labor and delivery. Having a couple of days for the three of you to bond is a very reasonable request and your husband needs to take it seriously. He needs to know that you are in no way "targeting" his family and being ungrateful. Men just don't realize how we feel after giving birth. My sis-in-law planned on coming down to my house (with her toddler in tow) to spend a week "to help out". I put my foot down and vetoed that idea. She's very overbearing and would have driven me up the wall. Her idea of bringing her toddler down with her was an even more ludicrous idea. I love my niece dearly but when you've just given birth you need some peace and quiet to adjust to your new life. Calmly explain all of this to your husband (and his family if needed) and I'm sure he'll understand. If not, well, you are the one having the baby..you may just need to put your foot down in a very firm but friendly way.

Good luck.

Answer 7

I understand your concerns, but believe me...you should appreciate his family now more than ever..Im sure you feel overwhelmed, just imagine when the new baby comes how you feel!!

you will appreciate the help when they are there, and if they dont plan on staying long, I wouldnt even argue it...You will be so tired and sore the first couple of days, you wont have time to "bond"! with the extra help there, you will be able to recover so that you can take your time to bond when you are healed!!

Be greatful that his family is there for you, and dont push them away!

Answer 8

Schedule meeting between
* your doctor
* your husband
* you

optionally include one of husband's relatives

agenda = explain what changes to expect with your emotion (almost) over-ride brain, as baby comes, and aftermath mood swings.

He may lack personal understanding what you going thru, about to go thru, your needs for space. You too.

Marriages have been destroyed thru lack of such understanding. You may think you know what you going thru, but might not understand well enough to put into words, explain. The doctor has the experience to know about many pregnant women, and can address your emotional needs, and explain them to your husband.

Have you seen in a hotel where there is a sign that can be hung on door knob ... one side asks maid service to clean room ... other side "Do not Disturb" like I get in there at 4 am & do not want maid service knocking on door at 8 am waking me up.

You might give some thought to some sign you can hang on your front door

Please Do Not Disturb ... new baby with exhausted mother ... both trying to sleep

If you can figure out phrasing that is friendly humorous so as not to annoy people ... invite them to drop something in mail box "we'll call you back."

How about scheduling tentative weekend visits ... the in laws, and maybe other friends, welcome to come for visits where you know in advance they coming, and it is at a time when husband is not at work.

Thanksgiving is only a month after the baby is due.
You do not want to be cooking for a mob, so soon after new baby in house.
Have you given any thought to where you and husband will be celebrating thanksgiving?

Perhaps can do it at home of one of husband in-laws, but if they not in same town as you, then there is related issue of whether you spending the night there, or in a nearby motel.

Then after you have finished thinking through that, do same mental exercise for Christmas and New Year's.

In other words, with new baby, what effect does that have on family traditions, but only when baby is almost newborn ... different story when child is older.

Answer 9

I dont think your crazy at all and you are totally right! PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN SUNSHINE! because you know what your the one that's gonna have to deal with it when it happens. You know being a first tI'me parent is a hard job at the beginning. Yes its nice to have people around you but minimal. I would totally go ahead and give the letter you wrote too your whole family. They should understand. If not, they are not human. Good Luck, im praying for you and god bless that new little bundle of joy!! *HuGs*

Answer 10

Your husband should understand your feelings. You want time to spend with your baby to bond and get to know it. He should feel the same way. When he asks why your doing this ask him why he doesn't feel the same way. See what he says and go from there.