What do you suggest?

Question

For some time now I have been struggling to get conversation out of my husband. He has never been a great talker and I find I am starting to dread when our kids leave home. We have constant money worries and debt and everything seems to go wrong for us, resulting in extra cost. He is always worried about money and unless we win the lottery I can't see things improving. We have been together for over eighteen years and I still love him to bits. We have no social life or take holidays abroad (or in the UK) as we can never afford it. I try talk to him about anything and its usually a struggle for him to acknowledge that I have spoken. He never seems interested in anything I say or do and I am getting to the end of my tether. I am sure he is different at work cause sometimes when he gets calls at home, I hear him laughing and joking. Maybe its just me.

For SIMEX - my husband does not actually spend any money on me. His salary goes on our kids, our mortgage and utility bills. My job isn't well paid and I pay what I can towards house costs.

Answer 1

You need to find another lady to talk to. Men are not that verbal. He has already heard everything you have to say, several times over. To him it is just a repeat and a waste of time so he tunes you out.

Answer 2

M eand my partner of 6 half years kind of went through the same thing about two years ago. We would always argue usually about money or the small things. We became quite distant from each other and we never went on holiday or went out much. I'm not sure what changed exactly but we started to get on like we did when we first met. We learnt to stop blaiming each other and and tried to stop arguing about the little things that don't matter. This year we have been on holiday twice soon to be three times and we have a bettersocial life than we ever have before. We don't have a lot of money either and it has been a struggle but we made it. All I'm trying to say is keep going try talking about the real issues rather then avoiding them like me and my partner did for so long. Also there have been a few times that i have thought that maybe she was seeing someone else, which I believe is what you was trying to say but at the end of the day you need complete trust. I think ppl know deep down if something is really up. Not sure if i have helped but good luck.

Answer 3

This is difficult for most couples. As time goes on, it's almost as though you two become roommates. You are more polite to strangers than each other. You become comfortable. He knows that you love him and are not going to leave so he doesn't need to make an effort.

First, try explaining that you love him. Explain that you wish the two of you could communicate more, even if its watching a sport on tv and discussing the game, or make a weekly date to see a movie, that way you have something to discuss that evening. Saturday afternoon or something.

Comedy clubs are great. Gets you both laughing which automatically puts you both at ease, and you will be laughing all the way home, not to mention have little private jokes on the side when you are reminded of something in the act.

Basically, try to spend more time together that is interesting, different and will cause conversations to come up naturally.

Good luck!

Answer 4

Seems like things have been on the slide for a while from what your saying. Time to ask some pretty serious questions both to yourself and hubby. First...decide what it is you want. Second....look at the options available to achieve what it is you want. (no cheating tho even if some of the options are painful e.g. separation). When you have been thru the process try to get hubby to sit across the table and have a discussion that he cannot hide from. (If he wont do this then I think you may have the answer even tho you may not want it.) If he WILL do this then state clearly what it is you have decided U want. Listen to his side tho and try to see if there is some common ground. If not then it will be a case of looking for compromise through negotiation.Communication is the key in any relationship. If this has dried up then you have to find ways to get it started again. There are many ways to do this but there are some dangers here and you must be aware of them before you embark on this ride. Remember it may be that the best solution may not be what U want.
Good luck!!

Answer 5

It is unfortunate that you feel that way; because I would expect over 18 years of marriage, staying in own house, kids etc.to be a succesful marriage.

I also think your husband is a good man who takes his " head of the family" role very seriously.

May be there is need for you to ask yourself:

1. What do I really want to talk to him about?.

2. Do I have a defined family agenda for discussion?.

3. How has been my approach when I want to talk to him?.

If your husband is not a talkative man, as you have mentioned, you must be very clear with your agenda and the timing of the discussion must also be well planned.

You need to find apropriate time to talk to him, not in a casual way, but firmly in a friendly atmosphere. Probably you could take him out for dinner and while you are relaxing over a cup of coffee you chip in your agenda. Tell him that you have been toying with the idea of both of you discussing/coming up with a 5 year vision for the family finances. Let him know you are prepared to contribute something small for the family savings if he is agreeable to both of you contributing towards a particular investment goal or simply savings to come out of debts within the next 5 years.

Be precise but very tactful in your apprach.

Once you manage to agree on something, try also to interest him in agreeing to another outing or a repeat of such an outings atleast once in a month.

That way am sure you will start feeling a part of what is happening in your family.

Wish you all the best.

Answer 6

I think that he is loosing interest.You are the one that is trying and putting more into the relationship and if you decide not to make the first move with things, they wont happen. Maybe even try going on a nice picnic or a day out sight seeing. Something to get both of you out of the house.
Think if you can clearly live your life like this till you die? If he doesn't budge and not even make a slight interest on what you want to to together, I'd consider going your separate ways. You may find a lonely guy that is waiting for someone like you to bring light into his life and you can enjoy sharing the rest of your lives together, rather then separately!

Answer 7

A partner stops talking because he perceives from you a lack of respect and/or receptiveness to what he says. You're probably not doing this intentionally, but poor communication skills lead to . . .well, poor communication. When you ask questions, be gentle and polite (as if he were a new friend or stranger). Validate his answers; "honey, you make a good point, but just so I fully understand. . ." Much better than getting angry or defensive: "Yeah, well you're no better. . ." Listen, validate, discuss calmly and rationally. Show him you value and respect his judgment, demand he do the same for you. Let him know (without anger) that it hurts when he brushes you off, that it would please you if he'd listen and take you seriously. If none of this works, try couples therapy to learn how to communicate. Good luck!

Answer 8

A lot of men ( myself included) are not real good at talking in the way that we percieve women care to. Oh we worry,to be sure. But we tend to "internalize". Try talking in a very quiet voice. If you get our attention, half the work is done. The rest is about content of the conversation. Wish you luck and GOD Bless.

Answer 9

Know that your not alone. Both people have to put in 100% for a marriage to work. I've been where you are and it's not fun at all.Obviously, you are trying and he isn't. Maybe you need to just print this question and show it to him. Then talk openly and honestly(him too).Sounds like he needs to find the joy that you have in the beginning of a marriage again. That takes work and that's up to him. I gave up trying with my 1st wife because she wouldn't listen nor try. Maybe he will listen to you and give it a honest try. Good luck

Answer 10

try talking to the CAB or a free debt couselling service even if its just a chat a weight will be lifted of your shouldersand they will give you honest suggestions that will help to solve money problems you will both have to work together he is obviously very worried about money and maybe feels ashamed by the fact try doing a few things on his days off that are free together its the simplest things that mean the most just keep trying and dont give up easily its obvoise you care so much about him

Answer 11

Try not to let yourselves get dragged down by money and debt. There are a lot of things you can do together that costs nothing, you can cook a nice meal for him, go for nice scenic walks. Make him notice you again. 18 years is a long time and maybe you need to make him see you again.