Senior parent wants to drive my son...?

Question

My mother is 73 and lives with us. She has her own car and drives to Walmart, to church and to get her hair done once a week. Honestly, I don't feel safe with her driving, but I don't want to humiliate her or take away her independence. She is starting to make dangerous, careless mistakes at home that just come with age. It makes me very sad for her. Problem...she wants to drive with my 9 year old son. My husband and I are both opposed, but I do not want to hurt her feelings.

I need to clarify...he is NOT allowed to ride with my mom. We have worked around it and even said, "it isn't a good idea." Our whole point is, everyone's safety is more important than her hurt feelings. However, she is my mom, she has delicate feelings and I don't want to hurt them. I am seeking advice on how to explain this in a way that she will "get."

Answer 1

This is tough. Last year, my aunt and my mother were in my aunt's car together, my aunt was driving (she was 78). She made a careless mistake, drifted off the road and plowed through the desert at 60 mph; according to my mother my aunt didn't seem to even realize she was off the road and had to be told repeatedly to stop the car. They could've easily been killed had the car rolled. Two of my aunt's sons made the tough decision to take her license away. My aunt did not like it but she eventually saw that it was the right thing to do. My cousins "made up for it" by offering to drive her whenever she needed to go anyplace. An inconvenience for them, to be sure, but it beats the hell out of getting a call from the police telling them their mother was killed in a car wreck. My mother is 68 and drives a LOT (she's still very active); I worry about her behind the wheel, especially when she has the grandkids with her. So far she's still okay to be driving, but I do sorta keep an eye on her. Time comes when she starts being a danger behind the wheel, my brother and I will have to deal with it as my cousins did with their mother. Your son is your first and primary concern. You don't say where you live but if there are taxis and/or buses available your mother can still get around without having to drive herself. If you don't feel comfortable letting your son ride with your mother while she's driving, just explain it to her. She won't like it and might even deny there's a reason for your concern, but be firm and protect your son.

Answer 2

If she is a danger, you have to tell her so...delicate feelings aside. Her dangerous driving does not only involve herself and your son, but THOSE OTHERS ON THE ROAD. There are thousands of people out there who are innocently driving their own families from point A to point B, that don't deserve to be the victim of your mother's dangerous driving habits.

Talk to her now. Not only about not allowing your own son to be hurt by her, but not allowing her to be the instrument of death for some other mother's son.

This is your responsibility as her daughter, and her primary caregiver. Just think of it as your FIRST really hard decision regarding her....there are going to be many more in the years she has left.

Answer 3

Delicate feelings? If her age has made her an inattentive or dangerous driver then get her off the road! If she has a shred of human compassion and maturity she will accept your suggestion that it has become time for her to quit operating a motor vehicle. If she wore a loaded firearm on her hip and it was legal, would you not say something to her? Well, she has control of a weapon which can do as much damage (or more) than a firearm.

Answer 4

There is no easy way out. The hardest part of my job working for 25 years as a driver trainer was to tell a student its time to stop. some cried and made all sorts of excuses. I started the lesson letting them drive for a few minutes, then gave them a mock test. the rest of the lesson spent on working on errrors. . I gave them a copy and a copy to family. this helpped. Call a driving school ask for a senior instructor.. Hope this helps. Ps. I turned in my own licence. Not safe any more. in BC seniors get a yearly bus pass for $45.00. check your local bus company.

Answer 5

I think you actually need to stop her from driving herself, if you can afford it get her a driver.
How would you feel if shes gets involved in an accident or if she actually hurts someone else on the road, and you find out it is something that could have been avoided, if you had stopped her driving herself.
You need to sit her down, and ask her why when you were twelve she didnt allow you do somethings you wanted to do then, was it becos she didnt love or becos she loved you so much.
Please get her off the road, for her safety and other road users safety.

Answer 6

Tell your mother that you are setting up a driving test for her because when you ride with her, you don't feel intirely safe and if she wants to take your son for a ride then she must do this. Also before the official gets in the car pull them aside and explain that if he fails her that he needs to be very gentle about it. This is for her own good. Good luck

Answer 7

Just tell her that you and your husband have decided that you do not want her to be responsible for that and the two of you are the only ones allowed in the household to drive your son.

I understand how you feel, and I am dreading the time when I can no longer drive. So will you. If you are of Hispanic heritage, it makes is even harder as I understand the respect the culture has for their parents.

Answer 8

My mother wants her own place but won't listen when we tell her she can't take care of herself anymore[ more not living independently]. So she has become hateful mean, sneaky, lying, and even abusive at times to her grandchild as we all are 'impeding her rights.
But for her own safety we have to say no.
She doesn't get enough monthly to go in a home...
so we all suffer.
...but common sense must come first
Tell her no and she will be angry;
but really..
haven't you lived thru your mothers anger before
...and survived?
She taught you life is tough
This is worse than feeding your baby son a hot dog to choke on, right?
She wouldn't want you to do that either.
You have to do what is right.
The life of a care giver is anything but easy!

Answer 9

I think that you should talk to her and give her some examples of why you don't want your son going in the car with her - be tactful, driving is very important to many older peoples feelings of independence and remind her that you don't want to limit her independence. 73 is really quite young - you might want to talk to her GP if she is making careless mistakes, he will be able to address it with her - it could be caused by a number of different things such as eye sight etc, not all of which are necessarily permanent or irreversible.

Answer 10

Thank you. That was amazing. My sister and mother are EMT's and have to witness that every day. I kind of know how you feel, because my cousin died at 19 in a car accident. He never got to live to twenty, but not under those circumstances. Thank you for sharing, you are an inspiration. I also think that maybe you would like to join SADD (students against drunk driving). That might help! And for anyone reading this, also join MADD (mothers against Drunk Driving). I am sorry for your loss.