What do you think about this poem?

Question

Waking Up

They have not affected me at all,
They have just...been there,
I was dead to them,
They could not reach me,
I was too busy building my wall,
Didnt have time to care at all,
Was alive but never living,
shutting my doors so tightly,
I became a prisonor of my own fortress,
Never felt so alone,
I have become my worst enemy.

This peom was written along time ago. I sort out my feelings through writings. For those of you who are worried, i am fine and thanks for your concerns.

Answer 1

Ah... you had something in the first three lines, something intimately confessional and dark, but you lost it. The rhyme of wall and all, while perhaps not intentional, is there and needs to be removed in order to keep the dissonance. Please, leave the wall cliches to the Floyd and hunt for something more personal, or at least detail the wall. The very last line feels somewhat lacking, because your characterization is general. You have a start, you just need to keep writing from the heart and not let your emotion be channeled in ways that society has chiseled out.

Answer 2

I was hoping that with the title "Waking Up" that I would get some sense of how or why you had woken up. But I didn't.
All I got was the "deadness" that you felt and the reporting of that deadness. The realization that you've become your own worst enemy didn't feel like an awakening to me. It might be a step along the way to waking up, but it didn't feel like waking up.

I'm saying I don't think the poem is finished because I don't really register any real insight coming from you. I would like to suggest you keep working at this poem and bring something to light that we can all hold onto.

Margot

Answer 3

It's a good poem, but you could tighten it up a bit if you wanted to make it a little crisper. try this:

They haven't affected me,
just there; I was dead to them
They couldn't reach me,
I was too busy building walls,
Didnt have time to care at all,
Was alive but never living,
shutting doors so tightly,
a prisonor in my fortress,
Never so alone, I've become
my own enemy.

You may edit it differently, but I wanted you to see how you can remove words and actually have "more" implied meaning.

good poem...keep writing

Answer 4

It's a good poem. Doesn't necessarily mean you are or were depressed-probably just going thru a phase when you don't feel like being bothered with alot of people.Sounds like you shut people out no matter how hard they tried to be in your company because you did not want to be hurt.Everybody probably feels that way at one time or another-guess it depends on how the person handles that lonely feeling-And you handled it in a good way by writing.

Answer 5

That is really a good poem, Teasergirl. I'm glad you have worked through all those feelings. Yes, writing is a great way to express your deepest emotions.

Answer 6

This is very good!
Seems you were having a trying time in your life and what better way to express it, write it out.

Glad to see that all is going better.

Answer 7

wonderful feelings of love, reminding of keats lover playing on the flute" loving forever""....ode to a Grecian urn.

Answer 8

Wow...that's...amazing! It's a great poem.5 stars!

Answer 9

I think you are going to a bad depresion be careful, think always poitive be optimist, and think you are the best. do this in 21 days and that will become a ood caracter.

Answer 10

Glad to hear it. All the best to you.