I am dating a man with kids?

Question

I have recently started dating a man who has five kids.
Now I know what your thinking lol 5?
Yeah 5 kids. But the problem is.. his wife
she left him a while ago, but she is always ditching the kids.
I LOVE these kids. I have a daughter myself. I understand that the kids should come to like me on their own. So I will let them. I know they are having a hard time as it is.
But she is so self centered! She tells him that she will come and see the kids... she doesnt. Then to make it better she doesnt even bother to call to say she wont be there. I want to be there for these kids and my boyfriend. I have never been in this situation. Of course it is great that he doesnt want her back after all the **** that shes putting the kids through. But its more then that. How would I take it if she was around the kids?
Would I be able to accept it?
I want to help yet, sitting back and lending my friendship and my love for this family doesnt seem to be enough.

Answer 1

Stay out of it. If you get involved you will cause nothing but trouble for yourself...and eventually resentment from everyone involved, including your boyfriend.

Answer 2

Please do not take on any more than you can handle. Right now, you are a saving grace for this man - however, you should think about what you have written - this is tearing you up - and you are not even his WIFE. Until this guy steps up to the plate and deals with the issue of his ex and THEIR kids - you really have no part in it. I know that sounds selfish - and I don't mean it that way - I am a woman and I am sure I'd love those kids too, but the downside is - she is going to use that against you AND him and jerk him AND you and those children into her own game for a lifetime. He needs to take her to court. If she is going to have visitation or whatever they establish - it needs to be worked out between them. All you can do when she does not show up and those children are hurt - is to offer some comfort - but really - that's 'his' job. What you are doing is not just 'sitting back' you are helping, but you can't help enough because this is not your family.

I'm sorry. If I were you - I'd be so gone....Ex's like this can be the death of your relationship with him, your own child, his children and your own self-esteem and confidence.

Answer 3

I see your point but I think that it's going to have to be enough. The children will always pine for they're mom, even if she's a total loser. I think that the father has to be the one to take charge and settle this legally. And, if she says that she's coming, it's probably best to let it hit the kids by surprise rather than tell them and she doesn't show. This will prevent their anticipation of her and eventual let down. Dad really needs to assert his rights and limit hers. Clearly she just doesn't give a rat's behind for them. Is she on drugs or alcohol? I have to guess that she is.

Whatever you do, don't step in as anything more than a friend with love for them because, should something go wrong, you will be the bad guy.

Something really important is how this affects your child. Has this had an effect on her? How much of this business is she aware of? Hopefully not at all. Do be careful. It's terrible that his children must suffer but don't allow your child to suffer as well. It simply isn't necessary.

Answer 4

The woman is jealous and she is finding a way to see you gone and leave her ex alone so that she can try to make a comeback. It a game she is playing to get off the hook but you know what, it you time now. She doesn't have any right in your home even if her kids are there. She has to request to be there and not dis respective you. Also be straight forward to you boyfriend and let him know that you won't take these type of junks from her which here it seem your boyfriend was fed up with her and wants your help to keep her off.

Answer 5

It is a hard time for all of them right now. It just takes time to let these kids deal with it. The best thing for you to do is stand aside and let the kids come to you. Some will come sooner than the others. The thing is...make sure you are in this for the long haul and not give the kids some more turmoil later if you and their dad don't work out.

Answer 6

I was the child in a custody battle and I have dated a guy with a child. It is never easy in either situation. Don't ever say anything negative to the kids because they really can't help what there mother does. Saying something bad or not allowing contact with their mother will make them resent you. If you want to stay with this guy, then you have to ask yourself if you can accept all of his life, which will always include his ex.

Answer 7

For now, it has to be enough. Just be supportive of the children and their dad without go ve-r-y slowly, because there are children involved. If for some reason your relationship with their dad does not pan out, they will again suffer a separation from someone else they cared about. Keep your visits short and simple for now....see where this all goes. If there is a custody battle at some point, this could be hurtful.

Answer 8

You need to stop focusing on what she is doing. She is their mother so in some way she will be there always.. either physically seeing them or the kids will ask about her, etc. if you can't handle this, get out. All you can do is be sweet and loving to those kids, and I am sure they will grow to love you. You never mentioned how long you've been seeing this man, but "recently" makes me think you need to take a time out, have some one on one time with the man you're seeing, and forget the kids for now. You need to develop your relationship first and foremost. The last thing his kids need is to get attached to you and then have you and their dad break up. Just be supportive, and above all PATIENT.

Answer 9

Its a very difficult situation. There's nothing you really can do about it, sounds like he needs to step up to the plate and set limitations and structure for the kids sake. If that means going to court then so be it. Anyway it sounds like she's doing what he allows her too. Who has custody? If mom is promising to show don't tell the kids because of her past behavior. My kids father used to tell them the same thing so I stopped telling them he would pick them up so they would not be disappointed. Most importantly, it sounds like you have a good man who is stepping up to the plate and trying to do the right thing. Its going to be difficult until he decides to put his foot down. So just hang in there and continue to give them support however with boundaries so that you want get drained.

Answer 10

I'm 27, and my bf is 52. We live together. His oldest child is almost as old as I am. If one of his kids calls, they have priority one with him. I get that. I wouldn't have it any other way. His kids have always been nice to me, and vice versa. It took time, but we're all accepting of each other. His ex-wife, now remarried, has never been a factor. I would be proud to be their stepmother.
Being accepting is always a big adjustment, but it's doable. Easier than you think, in fact. Just watch out for his ex-wife and possible mind games.

Answer 11

If you truly do love these children then you would want them to have the best relationship that is possible for them to have with her. Regardless of her failures and disappointments she is their mother and that won't change. You should not try to come between this woman and her children. It's not your place whether your dating or married to this man. He is their father, it's his job to handle the situation with his ex-wife. You just have to learn to accept this fact and find your way to interact in this family in a way that is respectful yet loving.