Cousin Raped me, mom wont let it go?

Question

When I was 3, up until I was 10, I was molested & raped by my older cousin. My mom has literally never let it go. Every time I see her, she always mentions something about it. Ive moved on, and ive forgave my cousin, but its like she hasent let go. My mom has been an alcoholic as long as I can remember, we've tried so much to get her help, NEVER worked and it seems when she is drunk, she will call me at 3am, and call her "little baby." She still sees me as a 3 year old, and treats me like one. She keeps bringing up the past constantly always saying she wants her "little girl back" . [i got depressed when I moved to america and "changed"] lately she keeps beinging up my cousin more and more and more, asking why i didnt tell her. I told her cus I was scared.. And she says its no excuse. It makes me feel bad, I moved on, why cant she? She keeps bothering me, and coming to my house late at night just to "drop me off food" ive dealt with this all my life & ive rly had enough

But she isnt like sad about me not telling her, she says its my fault and then she says it wasent.

Then she says i deserved it. Ive tried talking with her, she just lets it slide.

Answer 1

A couple of suggestions. First, locate the nearest Al-Anon group and attend one or hopefully a lot of their meetings. They will give you skills for dealing with a drunk.
Next - buy an answering machine and screen her calls. Don't answer them late at night. Turn the phone off at night. Next time she comes to your door late at night, don't let her in. Either ignore her or tell her to go home or you will call the police. You MUST stop giving her the opportunity to bring this stuff up. Her drinking is a problem and her guilt is a problem - both should be only her problems but unfortunately these people have to include others. They need an audience. I would send her a letter stating exactly what you do and do not want from her. Keep copies in case you need to re-send it from time to time. Tell her you will only communicate with her when she's sober. Hopefully she will read the letter some time when she is sober and get the message. Not that she will stick with it - but at least she will have read what you are demanding from her. You do NOT have to put up with this behavior from her. It is NOT your responsibility to indulge her destructive habits. In your letter to her, refer her to AA or a therapist but make sure you tell her your door is not open to her nor your telephone available to her when she's drunk. Realistically you can do nothing for her. Only when she's had enough and makes the decision to stop drinking, will she do it.
Good luck. You deserve better than this.

Answer 2

It is very good that you see the need to set boundaries with your mother. Your mother may be using your past as a hook to hang all her problems on.
Tell her that subject is closed. Particularly, if she is drunk, tell her you will talk to her later, when she is sober.
Try to ignore the content of these attempts to control you and use you. It is not about the content so much as it is about her need to control you.
About not telling her before- that is so typical, she should know that by now. Many young children are too afraid to tell.

Answer 3

This is a rather drastic measure, but the situation might just call for it. Might be time to cut off all communication with your mother, even to the point of getting a restraining order to keep her away from you.

You have moved on, and sure don't need this to keep dragging you down.

Something to think about.

Answer 4

Please ignore "Dude", I'm sure he'll be living in a prison sometime in the next couple of years.

I can well understand why your mother is so upset, but she needs to stop using the past as an excuse for being an alcoholic. If she loves you then she'll get help if you tell her to.

Answer 5

Do you see a therapist, if not mabey you should start too see someone and get your Mom to go with you. If you can get your Mom to go mabey she'll be able to work through some of her own issues.

She probably feels really guilty that this was happening and she didn't realize it, alcohol is probably "helping" her cope with the guilt. I hope things get better for you.

Answer 6

It must be easier for her to blame you, instead of accepting responsibility for not protecting her little girl!!!! She must be trying to be the "good mother" now, bringing you food etc--that she wasn't then.--Depending on how you feel toward her, you could try saying, "Mom, you have to forgive yourself." Etc. She might get angry--or she may cry with relief. Either way, she might stop....? It's clearly not "over" for her.

Answer 7

It shows your mother really loves you. Also she might be feeling like a horrible mother for not noticing what was going on. She could be punishing herself and to make up for past years, is now trying to be more protective with you.
What would happen if you, her, and your cousin all sat down and talked?

Answer 8

I think that you should try talking to her about it when she isn't drunk. Tell her that you aren't a little kid anymore and you know how to deal with it by yourself without help. If she keeps bothering you, you should try to do family counseling.

Answer 9

your mother cant let it because she probley feels like it was a flaw in her parinting skills and thinks she could have helped you but noone can rewind the past,so just tell her how you feel and if she still brings it up I think you two need to just sit down and talk

Answer 10

so yea she is doing this because she feels responsible..whether it was her fault or not..because parents feel like they are to protect their children from everything bad in this world...sorry to hear about your cousin doing something so awful but your mom might have felt like you lost your innocence when you were way too young...just sit down with her one day and try to clear it up with her