me and my husband have just hit our one year mark in feb, a month later our son was born. Our son being born I just have to say is not the problem of him not being home. This has been going on since the beginning of the marriage just before I got pregnant I would join him, now with a baby I have to stay at home and he choose to go out. Its usually 3-4 times a week too which I hate. We get along good, like any married couple we have our ups and downs but nothing too big. He just like to drink and be with the guys.... why?? how to do I change this? and I think that is alot of time out of a week to not be at home... am I right?? anyway I need advice... this the only major thing we fight about....he blames it on me nagging but the only thing I ever nag about is not too drink so much, not to be out all hours, to have moderation, and once in a while to not walk on the floor with your dirty shoes haha like he doesnt get it that if he improves what I nag about I wont nag :P please help!!
2007-08-12 06:38:37 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
first and foremost, your are in the most difficult stage of a married life. adding to that is the baby's arrival. you are not the only one with that kind of dilema. Nagging would not help your situation, you are acctually pushing your husband away, giving him more reason to stay out. Remember, when you gave birth and become a mom,it didn't stop you from being a wife as well. And adding to that, your husband is not your son. I know that its unfair, and I am not patronizing men, but we have to admit, that when God created us, the purpose is to be of service to men. You can start by being extra sweet to him, and then slowly, softly(with soft melo drama crying) talk to him about your situation,since you just gave birth you need and emotional support from him,inform him about "post partum syndrome",tell him that you need him most of the time. Do not shout or nag him everytime you don't get what you want or just to get his attention. Be as nice as it takes. Most of the time "silence" helps. He tends to ask question first. one of the things I suggests my friends with a problem that the husband goes home late,is that texting or calling him in a romantic and childish tone telling him how much you misses him. or even tell him that "dinner is waiting,come home while I'm still hot"hehehe. make your house a home for him, do not nag him just because his shoes are dirty(let it go) Instead of nagging, show some concern about his health, how worried you are if he get sick,how badly you and your son need him.(tears melts mens heart). Read books about marriage,courship,family.etc. Prayers is the best resort,ask God to make him listen and make you see the point too.(";)
2007-08-12 07:16:41 · answer #1 · answered by vehl 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The only thing you can change is YOU. First, let go and accept that this is the reality right now. He will not change, but you can. Be at peace with this and stop "nagging". There is the possibility that he will notice that you have completely stopped "nagging" and will figure out on his own that he'd better wise up because you are probably going to leave him.
Start making a plan. If he is not abusing you in any way you do not have to rush your plan. Figure out how you can make it on your own. Get a job or work from home and start SAVING. When you have it all in place, divorce him, but don't be angry about it. He simply does not align with your needs. Tell him you have accepted that about him, but you must part ways. And with an open heart and mind, free of bitterness, a new love with be drawn to you.
2007-08-12 07:08:35 · answer #2 · answered by Namaste 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Not knowing your ages, I believe you 2 are a very young couple? If it is so, then your hubby wants to keep playing like a boy, not a man. His obligations should be to you and this new bundle of joy!
He possibly has a drinking problem and just doesn't admit to it. It will cause trouble in your marriage down the road, rather you want to believe it or not.
Some men just aren't cut out to be husbands nor fathers. He may be the type of male who feels it's your place to care for the child and his place to do as he damn well wishes.
There is a problem here sweety, and I'm not talking about the dirty shoes on the floor thing either.
He's not making the right choices as a father or husband.
It might do your marriage good if you sit him down and point out the things that are bothering you.......the drinking, the late hours, the neglect he is showing you and the baby. It is neglect rather you care to admit it or not.
Let him know how you 2 need this time together to incorrporate a loveing family bond. His love and attendence is needed as much as your's is for the baby.
IF he can't listen and make adjustments in his behavior, then I'd suggest marriage counceling. If he's not up for that or making changes, he's not up to being a husband and father.
Good luck.
2007-08-12 06:58:33 · answer #3 · answered by peggin_beast 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all I want to congratulate on your 1 year anniversary! I think it is normal for a guy to want to go out and hang out with the guys from time to time. Just like us women, men need to have a guys night out as well. However, if 3-4 nights a week does sound a little excesive. Especially because you have a little one now. I would try to talk to him about it. Maybe you can suggest that one night out of the week you go out together. If you can find a babysitter for a couple of hours, maybe you two can go out and have a drink together. If you fell that him being out late disrespects you tell him. Let him know that your are not trying to nag, but you worry when he is out late like that. I definately agree with you on the shoes thing. I would suggest getting a small shoe rack and put it right next to the door and asking him to clean the floor next time. Haha! Hope that helps.
2007-08-12 07:11:39 · answer #4 · answered by beautifulstl86 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My first marriage started just like that. New baby. Husband spending 3-4 nights a week out at the Y, or bowling, or whatever the heck. And yes, it was not the baby - it was the fact that he realized after the wedding that the "confinement" of marriage and the increasing responsibility were things that he simply wasn't up to it at that point in his life, and instead of being a "man" about it, it chose to run away by staying out and having affairs. Five years and 2 separations later, I gave up. Best thing (but very very hard) I ever did. Raised my son alone, and 20 years later happened to meet a wonderful man whom I married. We just celebrated our 11th anniversary.
Ok, so that probably doesn't give you much comfort in your current situation, but it's a true story.
2007-08-12 06:47:35 · answer #5 · answered by Bev B 4 · 5⤊ 0⤋
Guys do this, to a point, but this sounds really excessive. It sounds as if he is escaping. Guys do this in a lot of ways, they play golf, they hang with the guys, they play video games, they go bowling, they go to football games of watch sports on t.v. Basically guys can only take so much family and wife and children time. They need time a part. But, what you have described indicates some real red flags. Get some counseling or in a real and meaningful way, set guidelines, but be willing to walk, because my guess is he doesn't really want to be married at this point in his life. You married a boy, not a man.
2007-08-12 06:53:32 · answer #6 · answered by John B 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First off, you might want to either follow him or have him followed to see if it's really "the guys" he's going out to see. Who are these guys? Your husband is out way too much - he's not into being married, obviously. Make sure you take care of yourself - keep yourself groomed. Do you have a job? Might want to look into that in case you have to support yourself and your son on your own. He is either way too immature to be married or finds something else a lot more fascinating than you & the son. Sorry hon - I bartended for 20 years to put myself through college and if I had a dime for every woman who found out this stuff the hard way... I wouldn't have needed the education to make money. You know something is wrong - the issue is that he's out too much for your comfort and that is a valid issue regardless of what "we" on Yahoo think. Don't accuse him - it is what it is and you will not change him. I wish you the best of luck - sounds like you have a rough road ahead of you - being married to someone who doesn't want to be with you is heartbreaking. Find someone who will love you and cherish you and choose to be with you!
2007-08-12 06:47:50 · answer #7 · answered by Eileen P 1 · 3⤊ 0⤋
There could be a few things going on - he's not adjusting to family life and being a father and hanging with his friends is his escape.... or he's not that into you anymore and doesn't know what to do about it....or he really doesn't care about how you feel because as long as he's having a good time, things are good.
Reading material:
Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman
Relationship Rescue, Phil McGraw
You also should consider couple's counseling.
2007-08-12 06:51:59 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
You LET him leave the house 3-4 nights per WEEK? Stop sniveling and tell him if he leaves the house one more time, he'll find his crap on the lawn the and the locks changed when he gets home. Then don't give him any nookie for a month while he figures out where he went wrong.
2007-08-12 06:48:42 · answer #9 · answered by Ade 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is not really a marriage.
A marriage has 2 people who are connected and who want to spend time together and build a life together.
If after talking to your husband I would suggest you find an hour every week to see a marriage counselor....with or without him.
2007-08-12 06:43:09 · answer #10 · answered by daljack -a girl 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋