Sex with professor! Help!?

Question

I got involved with one of my old professors who is 30+ years older than me. I didnt know he was married, but ended it as soon as I found out. Now im left with the aftermath, and things are becoming very clear. I see him at school, and I feel so used/manipulated. Im almost unable to function. I dont know what to do, but I fear that he will do this to some other girl.

I feel very stronly that I need to let his wife know what is going on while he is at "work" so that it never happens again, and so that I can move on with peace in my mind. I already spoke to a counciler at the college and they told me there is nothing they can do about it since it was consenting and since i was not his student at the time.

Please help!! I really dont want this to happen to anyone else, but I know that it will if i dont do something to stop it. (and i know its happened before...he has a system down pat).

Do you think telling his wife is the right way to go, and if so...how?

Answer 1

I know that this is going to sound counter-intuitive,but keep your mouth shut.If you need to tell someone,tell your friends.Let them know that he is a hunter of girls.
If they want details,do not be too forthcoming.They will have been warned and that is enough.
If you must tell his wife,write an anonomys letter.Write it using Word,do not handprint.
Protect your credibility,keep that in mind.If you just start blowing off steam,it is going to look as if you are a jilted lover.You will come off as bitter and vindictive.
That may sound silly,but beware--you have entered a twilight zone.You are in a no-win situation and he knows it.
If you want to make sure that his wife gets the letter and not him,find out where he lives.
Slip it under the door,knock and walk off.Put it under her windshield wiper when you are certain that she will be the one to get it.
Be prepared to be called a liar,she may not believe you.
That is because her whole lifestyle may be threatened by this.
You may even be charged as a stalker.He does hold some cards and he will use them.
You have really shot yourself in the leg with this.
Do not repeat your mistake.

Answer 2

well,,,,i hope you learned SOMETHING from this.

1. you didnt state whether he lied about being married. or at the time, you didnt really care (about finding out)? if it had been me, A-him being a teacher B-him being so much older i sure as heck would have found out. and it wouldnt have been that difficult.**

2. i dont think you really care if it happens again with someone else. maybe you're even jealous that it would. you just want to get even with him cause he was so smooth and you were so stupid.

3. dont you think his wife has heard it all before? and dont you think hes got answers all planned out? why do you want to hurt HER? i'd get back at him some other way, but leave the wife alone. its painful enough. which leads me to point 4...

4. one thing is always going to be true. in the end, its always the woman who was at fault NO MATTER WHAT. its just how it is. you can talk to the wife til you're blue, but hes going to come out of this on top and you're the one thats going to look like a tramp.

5. start acting like a grownup woman and take control the next time some guy starts with the line. make us proud.

6. karma's a biatch (he'll get his)

**theres a difference between being lied to or just not bothering to find out the facts....

Answer 3

Telling his wife is NOT the answer. If you want to tell someone, write to the Deanor President of the college. However, if you did this willingly there probably isn't much that can/will be done. Since this was a consensual act, and you are an adult he is not totally to blame here. You made a mistake, you will make others in your life, we all do. Learn from it and move on, there is no reason for this to make you "unable to function". Seek more counselling if you need it.

Answer 4

In all reality what is his wife going to do about it? If he has the game down pat you do not know how long this has been going on or if even his wife might be "turning a blind eye" to it. Your best bet is to move on, its hard to do since you feel like you got the short end of the stick and he walks around scot free, but his time will come when everything will fall apart. It is very hard to keep a lifestyle like this going for long

Answer 5

Your professor acted inappropriately. He knew better than have a relationship with a student, whether he was married or not.

The first step is not to tell his wife, but inform the school administration. If you feel embarrassed, you could do this confidentially. Eventually his wife will find out.

Don't feel ashamed. He took advantage of you, by using his position as a professor. What he did was unethical and it was he who was in the wrong.

Answer 6

What is it with people not reading the details? She said in her SECOND SENTENCE that she didn't know he was married, and she ended it as soon as she found out.

Anyway, I would say NOT to tell the wife. She either already has a hunch and doesn't want to know, she won't believe you, or she'll have her whole life ruined when YOU decided it was time to do that. This is her husband's mess, and it's up to him to tell her. If he doesn't, he's a skanky manwhore who doesn't deserve her, but that's not for you to decide. DO warn other girls that he's married. You know what you're going through, and I'm sure you wouldn't want any other girls to go through the same.

Answer 7

Unfortunately, there's no way around this. Either you avoid each other completely to forget about it and move on, or just get right down to it. Otherwise, the urge will always be there and get in the way of other things. Since you're both adults and you're not in his classes, I'd say you two arrange a proper location of your liking and enjoy it (assuming there is no boyfriend to cheat on, of course). This is the last time you'll ever be 23, I suggest you take the chance to remember "what it was like" instead of "what could've been like".

Answer 8

I'm sorry this happened to you. You definitely need some professional guidance. Please see a psychologist. They will be able to help you work through your feelings and understand why you entered into the relationship in the first place. Once you have worked through your feelings you can make a decision as how to proceed. Your professors actions were unethical but I feel you need to be emotionally healthy before you take any action. The repercussion from your actions will require you to be as strong/ healthy (emotionally) as possible. Please do not let this person destroy your hopes and dreams. This would be giving them too much power over you!

Answer 9

Yeah, guys can really be jerks. Just keep your head up. I think you are so upset because you feel like you've lost a relationship, which is understandable. To think about this more clearly, think about it as if he was not a professor. Would you feel as upset or so concerned with his wife? It does complicate things, but it doesn't have to, just act like he was any other guy. I think you'll feel better sooner, if you suffice it to say that guys can be jerks, lesson learned, move on.
As far as telling his wife, it all comes out in the wash, as my friends say. She will find out soon enough, but I believe it is up to him to tell her. Think about how much more painful it would be if she found out from you.
Also, you are not a home-wrecker, you did not know.
Good luck, you'll find someone good eventually, but you won't be able to if you don't let this go. In a few years, you'll laugh about it for sure!

Answer 10

Do something to change your attention. Don’t be attentive to him. Try to study somewhere else if it is possible for you. Changing the atmosphere where you are right now can work. Letting his wife to know is a good option but first make sure that she doesn’t tell him that you were the one who explained those things to him. Immodesty and lack of coyness result into such stuff. Try to read some Islamic books about Hijab and Purdah (practice of preventing men from seeing women and vice versa).