Is it okay to get married at age 18?

Question

I am 17 years old and going to be a senior in high school. I recently got engaged to a guy I've been with since 6th grade. We have an 11 month old daughter together, and would love to raise her together and have a life with each other. He's 18 and going to college locally, and so we plan to marry after I graduate in July 2008. However, I am being extremely discouraged by family and friends that I'm making a bad decision. They all tell me that we are too young and it would never last... and also I am Jewish and he is Catholic so my family holds that against him, and they are against us marrying for that reason... I was just looking for some opinions as to what I should do in this situation..

Answer 1

How can your family say it wont last? you two have been together since the 6th grade. Dont let your family stop you, you should marry the guy. I mean, you have a daughter, and she needs to have both of her parents right? The religon thing..I'm not sure about that, you can just live with your differences, Unless one of you is willing to give up their religon. But if you guys really love eachother, I'm sure you guys can work it out. Oh yeah watch Engaged and Underaged on MTV.

Answer 2

You have made some bad decisions in the past. Being pregnant at 16 was just dumb and avoidable. The reason most adults discourage teenagers from getting married is they generally do have this kind of poor judgement. Keeping up a marriage is a lot of hard work and takes a lot of steady effort. You will not be able to make much of an income with only a high school diploma. That's the truth in the modern world. The guy will find it very difficult to run a family AND go to college. I went back to college for a second degree when I was 38. I had wife & kid. Despite being well off financially and in a well established marriage, this was not a piece of cake let me tell you. You have no clue--life isn't "fairyland."

Mixed faith marriages have a strike against them, and are more likely to fail. This is a statistical fact. Part of it is reduced support from the extended family. Part of it is arguing about which religion the kids will grow up in, part of it is just not being able to share something very important to you with your spouse. Not saying such marriages never work, they do, but they are extra tough.

So, what should you do? I am torn here. I know the kids needs a dad. More importantly the kid needs a stable home. Normally I advise people to be married and provide that stable home. Being a single mother virtually guarantees a kid will grow up in poverty, and 70% of the males in jail came from a fatherless home. In this case though I'm just not sure either of you have the kind of maturity that will take.

Here's what I advise. Do not get married at this time. Instead, you go to a 2 yr. college and get a degree in something that will allow you to make a decent income. The guy goes to a local college so he can stay involved in the kid's life. You do NOT get pregnant again--that will sink you like a rock. In a bit less than 2 years you will graduate and be able to get a decent job that guarantees you won't be poor all your life. You will also be more mature and better able to make decisions. If the guy will stick around helping with the child for those two years, you will then know for sure a marriage will work and you will have spared the kid the further trauma of a divorce and a REALLY big mess. You will also have a better handle on what you want out of life and how to handle the very deep religious differences more constructively. At any rate, you won't be compounding your past mistakes.


Kent in SD

Answer 3

Getting married is a big decision. Whether you are 18, or he is Catholic, or you already have a child.

I will not judge any of that information above. Why? Because when you marry someone you need to base it on the person.

Here is the scoop about marriage:

Marriage is about maturity. Whether you are old enough is a matter of mind not years...but having said that: 18 is young.

If you think that it will make your relationship more honorable among others, it has some value, but not in a few years. Why? It isn't the state of marriage that matters, it is what you do with it.

My cousin married her first boyfriend. They met in highschool or middle school, I forget. They dated long distance for a while because she moved a couple states away because of her mother (a bit mean). They kept in touch. Yes, they probably had sex. Then she moved back prior to graduation. The point is that several years went by...

The decided to get married when she graduated. She was 18, he 19. Both became very religious, and I think that matters for them. They are stout Catholics now. They have been married probably 10 years now and they just had their first child. They had fertility problems for years, and have two children that they adopted from Russia. They also are both college educated now.

How? He went to college then got a job, she then went to college. Then he went to graduate school. My point being is that there are happy endings...and you can be one too. But you have to be committed to doing it together. Both of their parents objected at first. But they were serious, and most importantly, they listened to everyone.

You can do whatever you like, especially after you are 18, but remember that it is a big decision that will be with you the rest of you life.

Make sure you do the right thing for you, your boyfriend and your child.

Answer 4

I don't think 18-19 is too young, necessarily, but it is pretty young. I think that what you should base your decision on is how old your relationship is. I was only 20 when I got married, but I'd been with my wife for almost 4 years. When you start a new relationship, you and your significant other both enter what's called the honeymoon phase. This is the part of the relationship where you're both completely infatuated with one another. It's when kisses are magical and you can almost feel sparks fly when they touch you. It can last a few months or even a couple years. Until you exit the honeymoon phase, you really can't know whether or not the relationship will last. I think the reason for high divorce rates lately are due in part to people getting married during the honeymoon phase of a relationship because they think it's love. Then, when it ends, they realize that they can't stand one another and say they "fell out of love". That's complete nonsense. If you love someone, it's forever. To answer your question, directly, I would recommend waiting. My wife and I were sure we wanted to get married by our one year dating anniversary, and I proposed then, but we waited almost three more years to actually have the wedding. Sometimes I think that was still too soon. It's a massive shift in responsibility and lifestyle. It would probably be best if you both lived on your own for a year or two before tying the knot. Wait till you exit that honeymoon phase and find out if you have the love that lasts or if it's just the honeymoon fooling you. PS If he won't wait for you then he's not worth waiting for either. break up and move on to someone who knows your true value.

Answer 5

I got married at 17, I am 28 years old now, it is hard for me to say not too and to go live your life when you already have a kid. I have been married now for 11 years and now have 5 kids, how much I would love to turn the clock back to 17, but I can't, so many things that I wish I could have done and I can't. My husband is Muslim and I was in between, but knew nothing about the Muslims. Not that it changed my love for him, There are times I do not regret it, but there are times I do. I learn every day on how to be a mom and a wife, it has been hard on me, that could be too that I did not have family or a mother role model ever in my life. I am not saying that getting married and haveing a kid should hold you back, maybe it shouldn't but for me it has, It sounds all great to be married have a family, but it is not all what it is craked up to be. Do not listen to anyone but your self and make sure that YOU are making the right decisions with your life, I do not know what kind of man he is only you do, and your are young, and do not think for one min that you can change him, becasue you can't. You have a kid and I didn't I was looking for a way out of my situation at that time,and I thought he was the answer, I can not say that there has not been good times, but it has been bad too. If you where to ask me if I would have done it now, I would tell you no, I wouldn;t have it i where to turn the clock back and say would I have doen that again, No I would not have gotten married had 5 kids, I would not trade not one of my kids... love them so, I sure could have waited on this. I have a 10 year old now, it scares me to death that she will make the same mistake I did.

Do what you feel in your heart, make sure this is what you really want.

Also, I am not at all saying that you can not do things when you are married, but it is hard, you start working trying to pay the bills and lose track of one another, it is so hard, me and my husband do not date, we never have me and him time, maybe that is our problem, I do not know, Good Luck,

Answer 6

You're 17 and you have an 11 month old daughter? That was mistake no. 1 - and it was a BIG one.

I think you'd compound your mistake by getting married at 18. People change a lot between 18-25. Why don't you wait a few more years and, if you still feel the same way, re-visit the idea then?

Answer 7

You already have a baby you two cannot support and your family is against it. As far as your family goes, I have some serious question on their judgement as they didn't raise you to be smart enough to et knocked up at 16. I think you just need to keep your legs closed until the Dad graduates college. Obviously you should be a family but if you not supporting yourselfs you do not get the privilige of the sex. Period.

Answer 8

You can still raise your child together, but both of you still have a lot of growing to do; socially, mentally, culturally, physically, spiritually. people grow together, or they grow apart. If the love that the two of you share is real, then it should be able to endure some mild form of separation as each of you learn about yourselves as individuals. Forget the family, regarding the religious issues. That's a personal decision that the two of you have to come to an agreement on.

Answer 9

Dear girl, take your time. If you are already happy together, then time will not hurt anything.

You will know in your heart when the time is right. You are young, sometimes we think different after we turn 20 or so. By then you will have more experience and time together to make the best decisions for your child and each other.

What do you have to lose by waiting?

Answer 10

If your heart is set on it, go ahead. But also remember to protect yourself if things go wrong. Make sure you complete your education, and know how to support yourself and your daughter financially. Most importantly, remember to cultivate lots of other friendships and to keep your family in the loop. Strong bonds with other people, especially family, and self esteem are important both to protect yourself as well as to grow as a person. Whether your marriage works out or not, those things will stay. And you will grow to be a beautiful, strong woman regardless of anything that happens to you, good or bad.