Since I of Carthage have been queen
I've been the slave of nicotine
Tobacco's been my constant need
I've always felt compelled to feed
A cigarette between my lips
My lungs betarred with lethal drips
But now, this crutch I want no more
There will be no white *** behind my door!
PS When I tried to post this, I noticed that Yahoo! inexplicably censored the word after "white" in last line- an innocent British slang term for "cigarette".
It should of course be "flag" with the 2nd letter removed.
I suspect that the programme writers were from America, where this word has a quite different, derogatory meaning
2007-08-12 03:15:49 · 5 answers · asked by jay58 1 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
Very clever! I generally hate rhyming poetry, but this is clean and concise, the meter doesn't lag, and I really like the altered Dido line. I never noticed how lovely and poetic of a word cigarette is. Very nice, clever, funny. Post more!
2007-08-12 03:23:55 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Very clever write! even the pun relating to "no white flag upon my door". Just a few editing suggestions.
"my lungs betarred with lethal drips" is a weak line. The image is off and I'm not sure "betarred" is a legitimate word in any case. How about, "my lungs stiped black with lethal drips"? Then, "but now, this crutch I want to more"...is an awkward line...since you're a "queen", what about "be gone! foul crutch, I'll have no more!" or "Get out! foul crutch, I'll have no more"? Finally, the last line has one too many beats...so condense "there will be no" into "there'll be no" and I'd suggest putting "my" in quotes, bold print, or caps to add emphasis to the word.
nicely done :)
keep writing
2007-08-18 00:25:48 · answer #2 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's cute but also has a message. I liked "my lungs betarred with lethal drips" partly because of the first line, "Since I of Carthage have been queen" it sort of set the tone for the unexpected, including word usage. "Betarred" also reminded me of a word a pirate would use. And pirates abounded in the time this poem harkens to. Clever write.
2007-08-19 17:45:06 · answer #3 · answered by margot 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This one I like it has promise
2007-08-12 14:04:19 · answer #4 · answered by inthedark 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i like it
2007-08-12 16:45:43 · answer #5 · answered by JellyBelly-Chicken 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋