A good title please, and any other comments...I love suggestion. Thanx for your time.
My eyes to the carcass of time are open windows.
Portals to a labyrinth of torment, they do not blink.
The loneliness reflected in their tears only grows,
As deeper into the abyss of my thoughts I sink.
I see myself, as I am now: anxious and alone.
Staring impassively at the walls of my cell,
In the comatose night I dream of home,
And assess the milieu known as hell.
As humanity around me sleeps silently,
I listen to the faint rock songs in the distance.
Or is that just my heart beating violently?
Or the maelstrom in my head seeking assistance?
They can’t comprehend, can’t fully understand,
The intricacy of our endeavour,
Someday we’ll escape hand in hand,
And we’ll finally be together.
Have a little faith, have a little patience.
Naïve we have been, young we may be still.
Fight, struggle on the path of resistance,
And break free from these manacles we will.
2007-08-11 23:05:04 · 9 answers · asked by Candlelight 1 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
How about, The slumber of our living selves.
I like your poem. Your use of words is very good. Descriptive you are in what you are conveying and within what seems as being anxious and alone or your thoughts sinking when others can't comprehend, can't fully understand, the intricacy of our endeavour gives it a darker tone that is heart felt to its readers but in the end you give your poem light when you say that we will escape hand in hand and we'll finally be together. As a reader I take someday we'll escape hand in hand and we'll be together as a positive thing for the souls on this planet reuniting after our life is over. Despite what has inspired you I feel that amongst the dark overtones their lays a light. I liked it.
2007-08-12 01:04:04 · answer #1 · answered by Dan 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Title: My Eyes
Suggestion to line one: change word order to mirror other parallels in poem, for example:
"My eyes, open windows to the carcass of time
Unblinking portals to a labyrinth of torment
growing torment reflected in tears
thoughts sinking deeper into the abyss
anxious and alone, impassively staring at cell walls
I dream of home in the comatose of ebon night
And assess the milieu called Hell
While humanity sleeps so silently around me
Faint rock songs in the distance?
Or just my heart beating time for the maelstrom
In my head, seeking assistance? They can't
comprehend, can't fully understand
The intricacy of our endeavour,
Escape! someday, hand in hand
We'll be together...finally...forever
Have equal measures of faith and patience
Naive we've been, young we remain
But we fight, struggle on the path of resistance
until free of these manacles we fly
or something along those lines...do you see how putting your previous endings at the beginning of the lines made them push instead of pull? Regardless of how you decide to edit your poem, this is the lesson your ear needs to learn.
...and keep writing
2007-08-16 01:20:24 · answer #2 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The Demise Of Boundaries
2007-08-12 17:45:14 · answer #3 · answered by Marguerite 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Title: One Journey From Madness
Your poem has many great visual contrasts. Another suffering and dark poem with hope and faith in the mix. Good Job!
2007-08-12 07:45:19 · answer #4 · answered by Cheri >^.^< 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am probably very much younger than you but that poem is amazing! Your descriptive language rocks!
2007-08-12 08:06:58 · answer #5 · answered by * I n d i i * 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
We will be Free.
The Dark before Dawn.
2007-08-12 06:27:28 · answer #6 · answered by Scabius Fretful 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
"Time heals all wounds".....i really always have liked that saying and i think it goes with the poem....doesnt it? or at least the ending of it!
2007-08-12 06:20:52 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
windows to my soul
2007-08-12 06:13:40 · answer #8 · answered by snowdragon 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
unshackled
(what) they don't see
going on in my mind
leaving my mistakes
2007-08-13 22:03:05 · answer #9 · answered by lyra 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋