My left hand encompasses,
the woman that’s still me
My right hand touches,
the space I use to be.
I am not who I use to be,
though inside I’m the same.
I am no different,
For I am still me.
2007-08-11 20:27:06 · 9 answers · asked by Sam 4 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
Skeeter -
You hit the nail on the head.
2007-08-12 03:58:42 · update #1
Todd - Any suggestions as to a what would work?
Peace,
Sam :)
2007-08-12 04:08:34 · update #2
Thank you Kevin,
I expect from you and Todd and the others, to read, see, and tell me the truth.
I'll look at it with yours and Todds comments.
Thank you all for your honest thoughts.
Peace,
Sam
2007-08-18 02:59:16 · update #3
Nice insight Margot.
You, Todd and Kevin have given to me wonderful suggestions and advice. You are correct in that this was a spur of the moment peice, and yes, I too feel that there can be more to be said.
Thank you so much for your honest insight.
Peace & Love,
Sam
2007-08-19 10:38:26 · update #4
Sam, this is a very tender piece...sorrowful. I see where others are missing the meaning..."encompassess" might be throwing them off. "gently cups" might work, but it might be too obvious or crass...not sure, it would depend on your reaction to the phrase. The next couplet "might" be clearer, but would certainly have better meter, if you said:
And with my right I touch
A space that shouldn't be
you might consider combining the last four lines into two lines so the whole poem would go:
My left hand gently cups
the woman that's still me
And with my right I touch
A space that shouldn't be
My body's not what it used to be
but inside I'm still me
It's a little different than your original, but I think it takes your concept and delivers it quickly with maybe a little more clarity.
This is a deeply personal poem...and I hesitate to tamper with it, but you've come to expect as much from me, so I can only hope you take the comments in the constructive manner I intended.
as always, keep writing
2007-08-17 17:16:21 · answer #1 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The poem feels more like a "start" of a poem to me. It doesn't feel "finished." It is as if you encapsulated the seed of what you wanted to say but stopped before you said it all.
It left me wanting more.
I understand the feeling of being both who you were and who you are at the same time. What this poem seems to grasp for is the "newness" or the something in the transition from one to the other that still allows the past and present to co-exist. I don't know what that is. You're the poet. You have to tell me what it is.
Margot
2007-08-19 16:07:12 · answer #2 · answered by margot 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sam,
It's kind of cool. It has a nice sense to it. Though I like how the word sounds, I wonder if encompasses is really right here. It's hard for me to see a hand encompass a whole woman--a hand seems too small to me. Overall, though it is an interesting short piece.
Take care
2007-08-12 09:20:14 · answer #3 · answered by Todd 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Wow that's deep and I don't see the first three comments getting it. At least I think i do. It sounds like the poem is describing a mammary removal. peace to you sam.
2007-08-12 09:26:05 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
It is sad and descriptive, culminating with a final understanding of who the person is.
2007-08-12 16:29:55 · answer #5 · answered by Marguerite 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
sam dude
how did you manage the rhyme?
nice try and hoe old are you?
best luck for your career
2007-08-12 05:46:07 · answer #6 · answered by angelboy_23 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like it for it's simple content it's perfection of knowing one's true self.
2007-08-19 01:13:08 · answer #7 · answered by kippystewart 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Still me you
How...?
The women is
Not women...
Male you did not
Male...
Wonder dream...
At day time...
For with out sleep...
2007-08-12 07:12:04 · answer #8 · answered by otteri selvakumar 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Thank you for sharing it with us.....
2007-08-12 03:33:10 · answer #9 · answered by tigger 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋