One stranded tear rolls down her right cheek and falls down on the collar of her new dress. She looks at him with those saddened eyes in complete disbelief. Is this really happening? No. It can’t be. He would never do something like this to her. But reality is beginning to catch up with her. She is just starting to know the truth though she really doesn’t want to hear it right now. Everything was perfect. She was going to tell him that she loves him. And now he does this to her? She sighs deeply as another tear is forming at the corner of her eye. “I’m sorry” he says in a quiet voice. He then puts a hand on her shoulder and walks out of her life forever. She is now abandoned in this dreary street. The rain pours down on her. The dress she just bought for him is soaked with the water. She can not stand any longer for her knees have just given out, so she collapses to the hard rocky asphalt. She holds her head in her hands and weeps. She would rather die than feel this way. Why did he do this? How could he?
2007-08-11 20:00:51 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
This is a sad story...but that's all it is...I'm sorry, it's not poetry, it's prose. Why? because it doesn't use a single poetic device...no metaphor, not even a simile, no internal or external rhyme, no line breaks, no rhythm, no beat. I also think that you will some day be able to handle a break-up much better, especially when you realize how many other guys are out there just waiting to take you out. However, if you wanted to make this a poem, you'd have to "show" us, not "tell" us what happened or how you feel. If you'd said, "one stranded orb of pain pauses on her cheek, then falls like hope upon the collar of her new dress." THAT would be poetic. it said the same thing, but it used poetic devices and tried to create an image instead of just "telling us" what happened.
The good news is that you're "trying" to write poetry...that is often the most difficult hurdle to cross. All you need now is direction and practice.
keep writing
2007-08-15 17:46:26 · answer #1 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, what do I think about what you wrote or, what do I think about your experience?
What I think about what you wrote is that it was heartfelt and honest, and as a reader, I couldn't ask for much more. While I get ticked off when kids qualify what they write with their age sometimes, in this case, I'm not ticked off at all. What you wrote just felt sincere and age appropriate.
As far as this being a poem, no, it isn't a poem. It's a little story. And in a few weeks or months, strange as this sounds, to you it will be nothing. The hardest thing about being your age is how fast love comes and goes. Yeah, I know, sounds like a dreary adult talking to a kid but damn if it aint true.
What I learned is guys don't do this on purpose. The age you are at, both guys and girls get interested and disinterested really, really fast. Girls do this to guys too. Here today, gone tomorrow.
Sweetie, I know it hurts big time. But I can almost guarantee you it won't hurt for a long time.
Margot
2007-08-14 17:56:37 · answer #2 · answered by margot 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Something I wrote about the same thing. Except I'm a guy. I wrote it, 13 year old too. Oh by the way, yours is more like a short story to be honest.
You and I
Who’s going to break my fall?
Since you’re not here anymore,
The moment you left I lost it all,
And your presence is felt no more,
I know I was rushing everything,
You can’t blame me though,
I just couldn’t help waiting,
What I’ve gone through before was rough,
Every time I walk pass that road,
Memories of you keep coming back,
Some good and some bad,
Soon they’ll make me hit the deck,
If only I kept my mouth shut,
Everything would be like it was,
If I didn’t tell you what I felt,
We would still be friends.
2007-08-11 20:41:12 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
What a sad poem! You shouldn't be thinking too much about your bf. You're still a teen. It's actually kind of normal to have this kind of feelings and be disappointed if the boy you loved didn't love you back. This feelings will just pass away. Right now, continue writing poems and enjoy the single life!
2007-08-12 01:20:30 · answer #4 · answered by teenrita 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is more a vignette or short story than a poem, and although it makes the girl look like a total door mat, its decent for a 13 year old.
2007-08-11 20:07:51 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
oh....
If you're 13 I think you should be writing in your diary often.
Just remember, teen years are only temporary, they don't last long.
I liked your story, and actually could visualize the scene.
He's not the only young man in the world. Focus on yourself, don't think too much about him, he doesn't care for you he plays games.
2007-08-11 20:08:50 · answer #6 · answered by alwaysbombed 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
babe, are you single?
you are a good catch i think. mail me anand_kudari@yahoo.co.in
nice poem, and a poem by me
the winds near my mountains
swirl against the fountains
and hit the trees
and as a breeze
touch your face
trying to trace
you, to deliver the flying kiss
sent by me just like this
so sweety, whenever a breeze passes by
its me, who says "hi"
whenever everything turns new
from fragnance to dew
that gives a clue
that i am thinking about you
2007-08-11 20:08:11 · answer #7 · answered by angelboy_23 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Very good, an excellent stream of conciousness-poem, keep writing.
2007-08-11 20:26:07 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
i like it. keep writing. know that when you write it doesn't always have to be sad stuff though; it can be about absolutely anything that inspires you.
2007-08-11 20:11:48 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
this is a short story not a poem.....but it is good though
2007-08-11 20:51:19 · answer #10 · answered by ~*Jazzy~* 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋