what you think of this.comments pls. ;p?

Question

i'm not really good in writing even if i enjoy it so could you comment on this one.

looking through our album
i remember our past
we were so happy
in everything we do

a teardrop fell
as i continue to reminisce
the past we have shared
the warmth i had felt

i tell you my problems
you listened intently
you were always there
and never gave up on me

a perfect friend
is what you are to me
for you have helped me
on my long journey

another tear
rolled down my cheek
as i gaze at the stars
and went back to reality

you're no longer here
it has been months
since you left me
and i miss you still.

Answer 1

Let me give you a tip that may help you with your writing whether it's stories or poetry. Use specific details.

"He had a dog" is less interesting than "He had a Golden Retriever."

When you say, "I told you my problems" that is not as interesting as specific problems. In a poem, I'm not saying put in a big list, but chose specific details to take the abstract idea and fix it in the reader's mind. I say dog. You could think of anything. I say ten-year old golden retriever and suddenly I'm painting a more focused picture for you. Good writing is doing that for your readers. If you enjoy writing than you will get better at it. Just do more of this when you are practicing.

Also, try reading your poem out loud a few times. This will help you to catch minor typos, and usage errors. For example, when you read it out loud you would see that on line 4 "do" should become "did".

That's it for now. Writing is a lot of fun. I'm glad you enjoy it. I hope some of these comments help you to improve, and by doing that enjoy it more.

Take care

Answer 2

Nice, warm poem...but consider this: why not make it present tense and fill it with images instead of descriptions...this is what I mean:

looking through our album
i remember
we were so happy
in everything

a teardrop falls
i continue
reminiscing what we shared
the warmth


See how you don't need to make complete sentences to bring out your point...and in not making it a sentence, you present an image that allows the reader to fill...so many possibilities, but when you write a sentence, all those possibilities collapse into a single reality...and the image diminishes. Leave it open...let it tease the emotions out of the reader instead of presenting them on a sentence's platter.

You finish editing along these lines and I promise you'll like what you see...and hear.

keep writing

Answer 3

i liked it.

You're still stuck on them.

There will be others after this one who made such an impression.

It's not the end all of all - if you understand what i mean.


There will be someone for you who appreciates you for who you are, with no conditions.

Just wait. Remember this one, and never go backward, ever...

Don't find someone like this person.

Fix yourself first clear your mind, and all baggage, and the one who is BEST for you will come, it will happen.

Make sure you don't make conditions like "he has to be tall" ... doesn't matter.

sometimes the one you least expect will be best one in the world for you.... and sometimes they are the one you ignore.

Answer 4

Its your typical every day "dumped" literature, try finding an original point of view, I could dig up a million poems just like this one, probably on this website. Find your voice and let it rip.

Answer 5

My heart cried when I read it with my self editing.

As a poet I read as I would write. That is what I did here.

Wonderful, but needs to be finely tuned.

Peace & Love,
Sam

Answer 6

it was very good... but try not to belittle yourself at the beginning... other than that, to make it more unique, you could always try and add a bit of a spin to it, keeping the main points, but adding a little something unique that will make it memorable

Answer 7

i guess the only mistake that you made is the part when you said that you are not really good in writing.

i like it...