how do i earn my wife's trust?

Question

my wife and i have been married for 4 years now, we're both in our early 20's and have a young daughter together. she was/is very self conscious especially about the size of her breasts. she thinks i just say they're fine to not make her feel better, and of course that is part of my reason for saying so but they are fine in my eyes.

she seems to think that i don't love her or atleast not as much as i used to but i'm just not the kind of guy who will just come up to a girl and say "i love you" out of the blue, i do love her i tell her that but she's usually crying and her cheeks get all flushed so i try to comfort her and hold her but it seems to make it worse.

there was one occasion where i hit her on her cheek was really she's never gotten over it, i was and am really sorry for it and i try to do nice things for her like back rubs and foot massages. i understand that hitting her is wrong and that's she's my wife and it was an accident.

i love her and want her to trust me.

to make her feel better, not "not make her feel better".

Answer 1

Maybe you should approach your situation by a spiritual aspect. Have you and her considered building your marraige on a religious foundtion? If you turn to God for help and answers, your marriage will prosper.


Mark 3:27
In fact, no one can enter a strong man's house and carry off his possessions unless he first ties up the strong man. Then he can rob his house.

Mark 3:23-29
23So Jesus called them and spoke to them in parables: "How can Satan drive out Satan? 24If a kingdom is divided against itself, that kingdom cannot stand. 25If a house is divided against itself, that house cannot stand. 26And if Satan opposes himself and is divided, he cannot stand; his end has come. 27In fact, no one can enter a strong man's house and carry off his possessions unless he first ties up the strong man. Then he can rob his house. 28I tell you the truth, all the sins and blasphemies of men will be forgiven them. 29But whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven; he is guilty of an eternal sin."


Matthew 7:24
[ The Wise and Foolish Builders ] "Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock.

Luke 6
The Wise and Foolish Builders
46"Why do you call me, 'Lord, Lord,' and do not do what I say? 47I will show you what he is like who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice. 48He is like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built. 49But the one who hears my words and does not put them into practice is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. The moment the torrent struck that house, it collapsed and its destruction was complete."


Ephesians 5
Wives and Husbands
22Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26to make her holy, cleansing[b] her by the washing with water through the word, 27and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— 30for we are members of his body. 31"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."[c] 32This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.


I will say a prayer in hopes that you and your wife can work out the issues of your marraige and seek the Lord with all your hearts. -May God bless you both.

Answer 2

You have to Forgive and Forget; I went through this when I was young (21) and became very controlling with her; I didn't make things better I just pushed her farther away. Resist the urge to snoop; be romantic for no reason irregardless of how she reacts. Don't interrogate her when she's gone longer than you expect; trust her. I would also suggest a counselor. If those don't help there's always the saying about loving someone and setting them free. Cheating is not something I tolerate; once a cheater; always a cheater. IMO.

Answer 3

I've been in a similar situation with a man who struck me once. It isn't so much the physical hurting, it's a very emotional struggle. To love someone and then something happens and they physically strike you rather than simply talking with you, takes a lot out of a woman, emotionally. It makes your self-esteem go down. It makes you feel weak, unappreciated, etc. Even though you only struck her once, and it wasn't an accident, that is all it takes. Your wife probably constantly thinks that you are telling her stuff like you love her and her breast are fine just to try and make up to the hurt you caused her, both physically & emotionally. From my past experience, I know that after my ex struck me, when he would try to do back rubs, hugging me, etc. in the back of my mind I was scared that for some reason he would fly off the handle and strike me again when I wasn't expecting it like the first time. I would suggest you guys seek and counselor and possibly a therapist.

Answer 4

There is more to this, we just don't have all the facts. No woman will start crying when you tell her that you love her unless it reminds her of something really bad that happened. I don't think her trust issues have anything to do with that one slap, if that's what it was. There is more to it. If you hit her was it because you were fighting over something you did, and she didn't accept your answer or did you hit her because you lost your temper? Either way the reason for all of this is where it lies. You don't just walk up to a girl and say I love you? What are you talking about? She is your wife, the mother of your child. No matter what her insecurities are, you are the reason for same. You can make her feel special, wanted, needed or the opposite. You are the one that is creating the environment. She needs to be able to forgive whatever you did, and for that you need to understand what you did and the pain it caused her and why. You are the one who needs to continuously make it up to her but more than anything until you get what you did to her, until you fully get it, she will always feel that way.

Answer 5

It so funny that I read this question and am responding to it right now. It really hit a nerve with me because I am going through similar issues with my hubby. We are also early 20's and have to daughters. It will take alot so you are going to have to be very patient with her if you want to make it work. Romance her all the time! Tell her things that will make her feel special. Even if those things sound corney. Tell her anyway. Make love to her and when you do kiss her all over the places she feels insecure about. You will have to reassure her often about how much you love her. You said you were not the type to just tell a girl you love her out of the blue well do it anyway All the time until eventually she will understand...hell...she might even get sick of hearing it. If she cant get over the time you hit her ...well...you might need to go to couples counciling or something to help her get over it and to show her you care enough , then she might start to trust you again. Tell her you are willing to do whatever it takes. Dont just tell her show her.

Answer 6

maybe both of you could go to counceling. Sounds like you could use it. You should have never laid a hand on her, that's serious, even if it was once. Now that she is insecure about her breast, think if you are doing anything to cause this, I am not saying you are, but naturally men are always going to look at other women, but are you doing it so noticeably that it offends her. I don't know, but give counceling a go, even if you aren't contributing to her self conciousness. It will at least help her feel better and your marriage and relationship with your daughter will be better too!

Answer 7

First of all, KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF! Hitting anyone for any reason is no accident.

Secondly, your wife is clearly not happy no matter what you try. You need some professional intervention here. If that doesn't work, set her free and do what is right for your child and move on.

I'm sorry you are going through this, but you now need outside help and some serious prayer time. God bless and good luck.

Answer 8

In order to earn her trust you must be consistent. Be prepared, it could take quite a long time. Once trust is broken it can be difficult to repair the damage...sometimes impossible. All you can do is show her that you are not "that guy" any more...and NEVER be that guy again, EVER.

Any time she even sees a shadow of him she is going to take two steps back in her efforts to learn to trust you again. Everything that you do is going to be examined for any trace of that guy. Even a threat of violence is just the same as if you did it. Because once she has been hit, she will consider any threat REAL. She may even try to push you to violence just to see if you WOULD ever do it again. You must be certain that you will never never be that guy again. Simply put, that is no longer an option.

Answer 9

The thing about relationships is that the only person in 'em you can change is yourself.

First off, hitting her did change things. I don't think men ever realize how vulnerable women can feel. We're constantly subjected by the media to images of dead girls, raped girls, mugged girls. We know it happens. PSAs tell us we need to be careful it never happens to us. My boyfriend--a guy about my size--and I were wrestling sort of playfully once and he pinned my arms. Nothing "bad" has ever happened to me, and I trust him completely. But I freaked out just the same and kicked him as hard as I could right in the balls. Afterward I felt terrible about it (although perhaps not quite as terrible as he felt with a bag of frozen peas across his lap), but there was something in that moment that was terrifying. Own up to how bad that must've felt to her, accident or not, and tell her you want to protect her and your child, not hurt either of them.

You aren't the sort of guy who says I love you for no reason? That doesn't mean your wife doesn't need to hear it. Women need that assurance. So say it. If you can't say it, write it down. Put I love yous in her wallet or in her sock drawer or on top of the ketchup bottle.

Stop thinking just about the boobs part of her insecurtiy. I know, it's hard to stop thinking about boobs. They're interesting. But find other things about her to praise. She'll be more able to believe you find her desireable if she knows that there are other qualities about her you desire. Tell her you love the freckles on her shoulders or the way she gnaws her lips. Tell her you love the songs she sings to your daughter. Tell her you love the shape of her butt or her new dress or the way she looks right out of the shower. Tell her dinner tastes great or that you're in awe of her skills as a professional. Think about the reasons you love her. Tell her.

Surprise her with things that show you've been thinking of her. It doesn't have to be extravagent. Tell her dinner's your job for the night, and, if you don't cook, run by KFC. Light some candles and make a romantic production of fastfood chicken or scrambled eggs and toast or whatever. Text message her during the day to say you can't wait to see her. Rip out an ad for jewlery from a magazine and write her a note that says something cheesy about how she's more beautiful than these things, but someday you hope to give her some just the same. Stop off for flowers on the way home. You can find a cute bouquet at WalMart, say, for five or six dollars. Buy a bottle of bubble bath or a six pack or a nest magazine, take the kid to the park, and give her a little "me time."

Answer 10

Here we go again it was an "Accident".Well there you go , you answered it , You hit her ,you dope,and ON PURPOSE. If you understand it was wrong then why did you hit her.
Your not trust worthy , that's why she doesn't trust you. Apparently you are doing other things that has caused her to loose her trust in you. Back rub's and foot massages ain't gonna get it , you need to grow up

Answer 11

that is the problem when you marry young. the maturity level is waaaaaay down. she is only using the hit her on the cheek thing as a tool to disarm you. you are being toyed with. she got over it, she just knows that she can get you to do whatever she wants by shedding a tear and bringing it up. she is projecting her low self-esteem onto you. the only thing is: do you know why they call it "self-esteem?" because it can only be improved on by oneself. help her realize that she doesn't need to be that way. you love her, you're not going anywhere. you both know that. the rest of the crap that comes up is just that: crap.