Please read and respond to my "Anti-love-potion" question, asked minutes ago. I'm VERY curious?

Question

The love of my life broke up with me in 1962, and for over two decades, the memories of my love for her, and my loss of her, haunted me intensely! Then one day, as I was writing a novel in 1983, I had one of the characters in it describe his feelings in a similar situation, based entirely on my OWN feelings and memories. Almost immediately after I did that, my former love seemed like nothing more than merely another girl in my past, and those intense feelings of loss have NEVER returned, even though it was 24 years ago that I wrote those paragraphs. Can anyone explain how such a dramatic and permanent turn-around could happen? And would it be likely to work the same way for other people?

Please answer that either here, or as a response to my other question... which provides some more details. I am REALLY very curious about this. Thanks!!

To "Thecrazyperson" -- What a phenomenally insightful and thoughtful answer! Thank you!! I wish you accepted e-mail, so I could have expressed this to you directly, so I just hope that you see this. But you're first in line, now, for "best answer," so unless that changes, perhaps I can let you know this by doing that.

Meanwhile, other opinions on this from everyone else are still very welcome. Please feel free to chime in!

Answer 1

You viewed your situation in "third-person dispassionate" mode, as if it was someone else's problem and you were simply listening. Great perspective, isn't it?

Answer 2

I can't claim to have an authoritative answer, but I have a couple ideas about why that might have helped you so dramatically.

First of all, I think that writing that story really helped you to express your feelings and experiences. That's very important in being able to let go of something; if you "keep it inside" all the time, try to suppress the memories, or just don't talk to anyone about it, it generally doesn't really help. Professional therapists regularly have their clients label specifically what they feel ("abandoned") or tell them stuff about the situation they haven't told anyone else. Just expressing those things helps somehow, especially when you have a safe person around - you may share something that seems only to stress you a lot, and then when you tell a close friend all about it, you just break down and cry, but then they comfort you and you feel better about it, even though nothing has really changed. But even if you don't have a friend around, just expressing your feelings and memories has a healing effect.

Secondly, I think that in writing the story in third person, rather than about yourself specifically, you probably accepted the situation, yourself, your feelings more. When people think about their own actions and feelings, they tend to not accept their own actions or feelings. Maybe they deserved it, maybe they should have acted differently, maybe they were oversensitive, maybe their feelings of pain were immature, maybe they were just being too vulnerable. Endless critique, criticism, and analysis. Whereas when we look at someone else's painful story, we feel for them (we don't judge ourselves for feeling for them, we ACCEPT those feelings) We accept the story, we don't question it. I don't know how you thought about the situation before you wrote the book, but writing our own experiences in third person is known to be helpful because we accept the situation more easily, accept our own actions, and feel our own feelings.

Finally, I'd say that probably, it had a lot to do with closure. I don't really know what exactly closure is, or how to define it, but I understand the absence of closure. Two friends of mine, a year ago, got into some legal trouble, (the situation was very dramatic, and ended with one of them being arrested) and a restraining order was put on the arrested one, so that he could not see or contact the other for three years. That happened a year ago - the last time my one friend saw the other was when she saw him put into the back of police car, and she hasn't seen or talked to him since. THAT is a lack of closure - endlessly annoying, like a small rock in your shoe. Anyway, we tend to think about things in a disorganized fashion, we remember something in the middle of the situation. In your writing though, thing were organized chronologically and completely, and had an end. This happened, and then this happened, and then this was how everything wrapped up - the end. You close the book. The event is past. Doing that might have helped you feel closure about it. You say yourself that your former love seemed, after you finished writing the book, like just another girl in your past. In your past. That shows some closure. :)

So basicly, my answer to you is that you were able to express your feelings, accept what happened, and have some closure to the issue. After that, it was in your past, and didn't haunt you anymore. That ghost, which has haunted you for so long, was then at peace, so to speak.

Answer 3

Some people have to write there feelings out,something I used to always do and it made me feel better. Maybe since you never got to tell her in real life making your character in your book say what you felt gave you closure on that special girl. I don't know but that sounds logical to me. Good luck.

Answer 4

when you intensely think about something the feelings about slowly disappear. why it happens it is for psychiatrist to explain. it is my experience that whenever i have headache i close my eyes and concentrate on it. i find after a while headache starts disappearing. with this method i don't require any pain killers. it is probably when you thought intensely about your love while writing novel it started gradually disappearing.

Answer 5

Most of us recover from rejection in a much shorter period of time. I think you finally decided to let go of this sad experience in your life. And not a moment too soon, 24 years!

Answer 6

It's called expression.